transformation.

The following Post Secret summarizes one of the best gifts I've given myself this year:

I feel it through & through ~ transforming me into a better, happier, even more outgoing (as if that's possible!), nicer person. I can't describe how heavy that burden of self-consciousness felt or how freeing it was to genuinely let it go.

amazing.

what a weekend i've had so far. simply amazing!! in so many facets. i've had so much fun. laughing, crying, hugging, appreciating. laughing at funny things & often some deeply pathetic shit too.

to my tight creep peep girls, i love you long time. madly, deeply & truly real. my life is enriched by your presence.

cheers! ::clink::

2 year olds shouldn't die.

Last night I worked a visitation for a 2 year old that died of leukemia. 2 year olds shouldn't die.

Her casket was just as ornate as a full size one, just scaled down so small. I'd seen infant caskets and they are different; small, simple, cloth covered boxes that 1 person can carry. This casket struck me in how solid it was, yet small, but it's still going to take 4 people to pall bear it vs. the normal 6-8 for an adult.

She looked absolutely beautiful. Perfect. Sleeping. Her hands still had the trademark infant dimples across her knuckles. I always feel sad when my children lose them, it's the truly last mark of infancy that remains. I immediately reached out and touched her beautiful little hands. I just had to.

What a reminder of how short life really can be. 'This isn't a dress rehearsal', Michelle told me just yesterday. This is it, the only shot you get to do it right, wrong or otherwise.

This weekend I'll be helping celebrate another life that was unfortunately cut far too short, a life that has touched so many: http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/ I hope this fundraiser stretches far & wide and is a huge success, giving the foundation the ability to help others who face such tragedy. May God bless both these families.

though i fear...

“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We're afraid.”

“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We will fall!”

“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.

And they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire, 1880-1918
French Poet, Philosopher

...

I am woman.

Hear me roar.

I am woman.

I am exhausted.

no more negative nelly.

For every positive about myself, I usually pair it with a negative.

I have pretty blue eyes... but I have big thighs.
I am a good friend... but I have jiggly arms.
I have awesome hair... but I have an ugly nose.

See a trend here? Do you do this too?
I've lived my whole life doing this, torturing myself essentially, but since this is the year I deemed the year of fixing what wasn't working for me, I'm trying to break free from the mold.

I'm feeling needy. I am learning to admit this, to myself & outloud to Garth, when the feeling hits. I feel insecure; about myself, about school, about my decisions regarding school, about my marriage. I desperately need reassurance & I hate the way that feels.

I'm trying to remain positive and leave no room for negative.
It's harder than it appears.

Psalm 118:24 says,

"This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."

Today I woke up next to my husband & I smiled.

Today I sent my oldest son to high school.

Today I sent my middle son to 3rd grade.

Today I sent my youngest son to 1st grade.

Today I sent my baby to her 1st day of daycare.

Today we are all healthy, our physical needs all met.
(does secretly wishing for a ruby ring constitute a need?!)

Today I will study & feel blessed I am able to attend school.

Today I will work & feel blessed I have a great job.

Today I see my life differently;
my family, my friends, my needs & most importantly,
my marriage
than I did just a year ago.

Today I am not depressed.

Today I see my blessings, and even my problems,
and I rejoice in them.

Thank you Lord, for this day.

i'm in.

i was accepted to mortuary school.

i should be elated.

i am.

BUT...

a class i'd already taken,
eons & eons ago,
back when i really didn't give 2 shits about college,
came back to haunt me.

i hadn't done well enough in it to transfer the credit.
an equivalent class no longer exists at my college.

i have to take a higher level class,
an overkill if-you-will,
just to make up this credit.

this class is going to test me.

not knowing i needed it beforehand,
i scrambled.
signing up today,
on the very last day possible to do so,
puts me almost 2 weeks behind already.

this class, a biology class...
this ain't your basic biology 101 class.
this one involves straight up chemistry.
i've never taken chemistry.

i'm taking chemistry in mortuary school.
NEXT.TERM.
see the problem here?

patience, prayers, practice.
one day at a time.
one assignment at a time.
one test at a time.
i won't ace this class.
but i WILL pass it.
damn it.

oh, did i say i got into mortuary school?
i've waited half my life to be able to say that.
{sigh}