speak fast.

today my heart isn't racing.
i'm eating more lately, puking less.
most nights i'm sleeping better.
little by little, my brain feels more small tidbits of peace.

this all may change in an instant so i wanted to update my blog with something at least remotely positive so my dad can stop worrying so much about me. thank you for worrying mom & dad but really i'm ok. i swear. most days at least.

thank you to those who continue to support me, reach out to me and remind me that you're there in spirit, in person, even in humorous & sincere texts messages. keep 'em coming, i just upgraded my text package. ;)

at this moment in time...

i feel at peace that good will prevail.

i feel at peace that things will work out for the best, whatever that means & however that works.

i feel at peace that my kids will be fine.

i feel at peace that garth will be fine.

i feel at peace that i will be fine.

i feel at peace that i will finish school, clawing my way through every term until the very end, but that i will see it through to the end. i need this, i deserve this, i can no longer sell myself short in life because of self-doubt.

i feel at peace that i have awesome friends, new & old, who support me, laugh with me, slap me with doses of reality and i even have one who cries with me. she's been my rock. God sent her, i just know it and I thank Him for her. another friend said something last weekend that made me laugh. i didn't tell him but it was the first time i felt genuine laughter in quite a few months. i needed that.

i feel at peace that at this very moment in time, i feel peace.

i speak fast because at a moments notice, sometimes for no obvious rhyme or reason at all, everything turns on its head again.

still breathing & moving forward.

I finally took that leap. I went and spoke to an academic advisor. I'm one minuscule step closer to finishing my degree in mortuary science. Will I ever finish, I don't know, I'd like to hope so, but I'll never finish if I don't start. I'm behind in a few more prerequisites than I originally thought which is disappointing but I'm jumping right in regardless.

I have to go in and take a math placement test, hopefully getting to waive a few classes by passing it. I took some of the sample test. I think I'd better take the rest. Some of it was super easy, the rest not so much. It's just a matter of remembering, thinking things through and a little luck mixed in as well.

A friend contacted me Friday regarding a part time job opening at a local funeral home for an assistant. Thought I'd be a perfect fit and gave the owner a personal call of recommendation. I'm to call tomorrow (Monday) and talk to him about the position. Getting your foot in the door of usually family run funeral homes is no easy task. My fingers are crossed on this one - landing this job could be a fabulous opportunity. I need to create a new resume & I wouldn't even begin to know where my old one is. Being out of the job market for the past 8 years frightens me to writing that resume. At least I've been out for good reason, I feel somewhat confident about that.

Life is ok. I am ok. Garth is ok. We're both moving forward, cautiously, unsure of where the future may bring us. Bring us back together? Drive us further apart? We know confidently that we want the other to be happy, however that has to happen. For now we just keep pushing forward... and breathing.

life.

i'm so tired of feeling so incredibly tired.
and sad.
so incredibly sad.

Hanging on by a thread is still hanging on.
I can't remember where I originally heard that quote but lately I think of it often and find myself clinging to those words.

The house is being painted. It's truly beautiful. I don't know what took us so long to do this. New furniture is on the horizon for our living room & bedroom. For-now living arrangements are being established.

Tensions are high, hope feels low. The next day, that all flip-flops. Such is my life right now I suppose, I might as well get used to it.

Roller coaster ride? Ticket for 1 please.

Who am I kidding? I know its 6 tickets, 1 for each of us, and it truly & utterly fucking sucks. It's quietly in the night destroying me that I can't do anything much to stop it for them. I feel so completely pinned against a wall with conflict and I know Garth does too.

I've been running. It's been helping. A lot. 3-5 miles of sprints really work well as a mind eraser. I'm happy I've found something that temporarily helps, and is healthy too. My weight right now is fantastic. I'll happily take another 10-15 lbs off this frame but I don't hope to do it as quickly as the most recent 10 just came off.

A handful of people have been rocks for me. Knowing they are there, rooting me on in spirit (or continuously supportive texts, which i love), thinking of or praying for me, others right here in person physically holding my hand when I need it... I'm in complete awe of my surroundings - it's not the people even just a year ago I would have expected to be there. Now? I wouldn't have it any other way. THESE are the people my heart defines as friends. I know God strategically and purposefully placed them right here, right now, all for a purpose. Grateful doesn't even begin to describe it.

God is with me. Sometimes I can feel Him stronger & closer than at others. Sometimes I question & curse Him in the night out of sheer frustration when I can't sleep and feel so painfully alone & confused. More often I thank Him for knowing me, and my heart, and loving me despite all the flaws in-between.

Last night I slept. Real, actual sleep. Sleep where I woke up this morning and my pajamas were soaked in sweat. Dreams, REM & recharging sleep. It'd been almost a month of averaging 1-4 hours of sleep a night, but rarely more. I pray there are more nights of sleep like last night.