the dreaded resolutions.

My goals for 2009, in no particular order:

- consult with academic advisor about school, prerequisites & reality of actually pursuing & obtaining my degree in mortuary science.

- lose 15 lbs.

- work out 3 days/week minimum.

- learn how to knit more than just 2 stitches.

- learn how to use my new camera more efficiently.

- take a class. in something, anything. learn something new.

- paint the entire 1st floor of my house, or pay someone else to do it.

- take better care of myself both physically & emotionally.

- my marriage; we could use prayers for patience & discernment as to where this marriage is headed & I know we are both sad & scared as to that reality.

- clean more, bitch less, prioritize better, be more giving.

- find more inner-peace, contentment & happiness than 2008.

- fill myself with gratitude for all of my blessings.

i mean, what in the hell?! :)

Last night I went out for dinner & a few drinks (probably more like a few too many since I had to take a cab home) with some friends. There were 5 of us girls and then my sister & her salon brood joined us and then later Courtney & Mike met up with us too. Sounds like a lot of people but truth be told, we were pretty much making up 90% of the bars population last night. That place was emmmmpty but they did play some great music. Since I can have fun while stuck in a paper bag, I made the best of it, drowning myself in Miller Lite and shaking my groove thang on the not-nearly-packed-enough-to-camouflage-my-Elaine-from-Seinfeld-moves dance floor.

My friend Holly & I got talking about a few people from high school she still has in her life but through the paths of life just happening are no longer mainstays in mine. Sounds like everyone is doing pretty well and that made me happy.

HOWEVER... something she said floored me. She said she gave this guy from high school my blog address!! What in the hell, Holly, I MEAN WHAT IN THE HELL?!

I laughed, told her I was going to kick her ass and then laughed some more. I guess I forget sometimes that when I click "publish", my thoughts become public domain. My dad often reminds me of this. Intellectually I do comprehend it but in reality, I don't have a huge following and it feels pretty bubbled here for the most part.

Sometimes when people mention my blog in person I get self-conscious about things I've typed, felt or shared. I don't really know why, I just do, but Holly saying she gave someone my blog address and that they read it, I was suddenly SO embarrassed!!

I got over it quickly.

I laughed this morning as I logged onto my blog, suddenly remembering again, knowing I had to mention it.

So Steve, :::waving wildly::: Hi! Good to hear you're doing well. :)

Christmas, version 200.8

Christmas Eve:


Our tree - notice the ornaments only on the top half. Yeah, that IS totally on purpose. I'll give you a hint as to why... her name starts with an E and ends with a verly.


Christmas morning:


Garth trying to impress me with his impersonation of "The World's Greatest Dad" on the hilariously funny Sexy People blog. The comments section makes the website what it is - I had tears streaming down my face wildly, laughing so hard.


And finally, don't scream, "I want those!" every time the commercial comes on just to appease your children unless you really want the product. I learned this lesson the 1st time with my Aqua Globes. Apparently the lesson didn't stick very well because I'm now also the proud owner of some Bendaroos too. I told Garth I'm going to Bendaroo up our bedroom lamp and he thinks I'm kidding.


Merry Christmas from our family to yours...

The 1st half of December in review.

My dad just called to make sure I was ok. I told him I was fine and asked why. Because I haven't blogged in almost a week, something surely must be wrong he thought. All is fine & I'm very much alive.

Here is our 2008 rendition of My Kids, Our Tree, Their Wonder and a few others of things that have been happening around here:


Jackson lost a front tooth. The one next to it is barely hanging on as well. I'm going to rip that thing out before Christmas, mark my words.


Everly has discovered her inner dancer. She spins & twirls all over the house lately. I really need to get her enrolled in a dance class soon.


Brenden is happy today is a snow day and his winter break got an additional day added to it. He also had a really fun time making Christmas cookies last week. We all did.


Wilson celebrated his 6th birthday, having a party with his friends at our local gym that included an hour of gym time, an hour of swimming & an hour of party room/food/cake. He loved it.

There's always an upside.

As I wade through the sludge of my own personal hell of self-pity, self-discovery, self-worth, self-loathing...

I get hit this afternoon with the reminder that my life is still really good, despite my brain often torturing me by running in the only speed it knows; overdrive.

I could be a widow.

I could be alone.

I could be cold, with no home or heat.

I could be hungry, with no resources for food.

I could be friendless.

I could be like this woman.
I took a quiet moment with God, thanking Him that my brain isn't that screwed up.

vague is en vogue.

A new year, a new me. That was my 2008 resolution. I succeeded. I wanted a new me. I got it. Physically speaking.

2009 is reluctantly going to have to be another 'new me' resolution. This time I'm going to have to work on the inside. You can beautify the outside but when the inner core is tarnished, it finds a way to radiate outward.

I've lost my way.

I stumble forward on auto-pilot.
Ignoring, looking away, to the point of numbness.
Usually I like numb.
A downside, numb is exhausting.

Do I dare venture to analyze what screams so ugly?

Do I forgive? Do I forget?
I can, I do and then I can't & I don't.
I am my own worst enemy.

Do I push forward? Dare to dream? Make dreams, reality?
And then what?
Do I even remember how to dream?

Some days I'm ok.
Some days I'm just listless.
Some days I'm incredibly anxious.
Some days things are ok.
Some days I'm ok.

Is the grass ever greener?
I'm afraid of losing what may be quite lush green,
just seen through dulled eyes.
I'm simply just afraid.
Can I just dig deeper into the earth with what I already have?
What method will bear the most fruit & nourish the most people?

Do I try to fix what feels so broken?
What if the one thing that is broken most ... is me?

A simple band-aid can't fix this.
Besides, I'm allergic to band-aids.

'tis the season.

My kids, our tree, their wonder, Christmas 2007:
The holidays.
The parties.
The candle light church services.

The twinkling lights.
The joy of the season.
The REASON for the season.

The stress.
The shopping.
The credit card bills.

The gifts.
The toys.
The "I wants" & the "gimmes".

The jockeying of schedules. Oh the schedules. Some weekdays, like today, I have nothing on the agenda. A whole lotta nada. Other than the constant flow of laundry, I feel like I should be doing something. This downtime feels odd.

Our weekends of late? Crammed packed with parties, get-togethers, festivities, work related & mostly not. A lot of laughter, a lot of fun, a lot of calories, a lot of alcohol & even more exhaustion.

People in town. People out of town. Schedules. Schedules. Schedules. The in-laws & the out-laws (that's what I call my ex-in-law family, in jest & good nature).

Christmas Eve plans, Christmas Day plans, New Years Eve plans... plans, plans, plans.

Secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, I'm already planning our Christmas tree's last day of display.

I love the holidays, I really do. I immensely enjoy the reason for the season. I enjoy shopping for the most part. I love the parties.

I also love when the entire month of December is over...

Happy Birthday Wilson.

6 years. Where have they gone, small boy? 6 years ago at this very moment I was panting, contracting & moaning, wondering aloud just how long it would be until you made your way out of my exhausted body and into this crazy world. Just before midnight my life was, once again, forever changed. A boy! My 3rd son.

Wilson, you have been a myriad of challenges and possibly you alone have given me more than half the gray hairs I now sport. Yet you have also provided me with genuine laughter, pure joy and I could not possibly be more proud of the person you continue to grow into. I wouldn't trade you for all the riches of the world ~ the life lessons you have taught me have not only been empowering, rewarding & invaluable to me as a parent, but as a person as well. I thank you.

You, my little Castaway volleyball man, you hold a really special place right in the center of my heart. I was blessed by God when He handpicked you to be my son, I am so grateful He chose me to be your mom. What a gift He gave ME on YOUR birthday!

Happy 6th Birthday, my sweet little Wilby. I love you so much that it hurts. What hurts? My heart, honey, my heart...

All my love,
Mom

discovering faith in myself.

Like the Nike motto: I really need to Just Do It. I really need to get back in school and just take the knocks as they come. It's going to be a pain in the ass, the commute will downright suck, the classes (even the prerequisites) are going to challenge me greatly but I really need to do it. My degree I have now is a degree albeit a virtually useless one. I never pursued my real dream because it seemed so difficult to obtain. Now I kick myself. It sure would have been easier 4 kids & a couple husbands ago to do this. But on the flip side, perhaps having a little life experience under my belt will help with my commitment to seeing it through to the very end. Either way, putting my mid-30's ass back in a classroom with much younger peers intimidates me. That said, I remember those older students when I was in college. They were the ones most focused. Far more focused than I was, that's for sure. I wanted to score my next beer, they wanted to score high on the exam and actually learn something.

I've been dragging my feet thinking I'd wait until Everly is in school for me to go back to school. First grade at least. I think I picked that time frame because it felt more convenient having all the kids in school full time and more importantly, it felt far off in the future. No point accomplishing today what I can put off 'til tomorrow. I think I've lived by that motto for far too long. I really need to get on the stick and do this sooner than Everly being in first grade.

I need to do this for me. Part of my psyche knows I HAVE to do this for me. And then there's a part of me that doesn't believe I can actually do it, follow through and graduate. What if its too hard? What if I simply can't do it? How will I feel if I get up the gumption to start this and then fail? I've got something to prove; to myself, but first I have to find the faith in myself to even go talk to an academic counselor.

I dreamt last night I was back at Grand Valley. I didn't even recognize the campus, it'd changed so much in the 15+ years since I was there last. My dream dorm room was far sweeter than my real dorm room had been. My class schedule consisted of anatomy, trigonometry, calculus, physics and chemistry. Can someone even take all those classes in one semester? I think I'd die. No, I know I'd die. Or fail.

What am I actually waiting for? I think I'm waiting for the fear to subside. Right now, it's the only thing holding me back.

thanksgiving 2008