Attn: Mr. Sandman

Here I am, take me. I surrender.

I need sleep.

if you've reached out to me
yet feel i'm ignoring you,
please don't take it personal.
it's not.
i just can't talk.
or don't want to.
no, i just can't.
i don't have it in me.
i.just.can't.

oddly i've found comfort in words from people
i never expected to turn to.
others i thought i'd turn to
i find myself quickly turning away from
something in me just can't
face them
face me
i.just.can't.

fuck diet & exercise.
more people need the separation weight loss plan.
i haven't weighed this weight in months, almost years.
at this rate i should hit my goal weight by uhhh... like next week sometime.

the kids are fine.
our house is running fine.
things that need to get done are getting done.
other things, they wait.

my emotions are a constant cycle in motion.

one minute:
the very next moment:
lather, rinse, repeat.
over and over and over and over again....
every few minutes i have to remind myself to breathe
or i think i'd simply forget to.

at the fork.

Yesterday, Friday the 13th.

Today, Valentine's day.

Probably 2 of the most awkward days of my life.

William Shakespeare was quoted as saying, "Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honor, I lose myself." I hated, no loathed, his books of required reading in high school. Yesterday he spoke to me for the first time in a way I actually heard him.

I had to be honest. In that honesty, it would appear I lost my honor. I'd like to think because of my honesty I retained some of my honor. I have been lost for so long and refuse to lose myself further. Fear can no longer paralyze me. Honesty is what has to be.

I took my card, that I hadn't been holding long and cautiously threw it on the table. My life would never be the same. Our lives would never be the same. It's time for logistics. It's time to heal the pain - the pain has been here for quite awhile already. It's time to acknowledge the elephant in the room and stop ignoring his very large presence.

I will always love him. I pray he always loves me.

In a twist of irony, my 14 year old gave me a Valentine this morning. In it he expressed that he's seen lately how his 'obsession' with girls appears to feels like a knife to my heart. *I* have always been 'his girl'. I'm learning to loosen my grasp and let him spread his wings. He's no longer my little boy who is completely dependant on me for his every need. That same little boy assured me today in his Valentine that I'll always be 'his girl'. I needed those words in so many ways. This child coming into my life, for what appeared to be all the wrong reasons, at all the wrong time, couldn't have been more right for me. What a gift He gave me when He gave me Brenden - His timing is always perfect, I have no right to question it.

A new journey, the fork in the road has been crossed. The road ahead, though bumpy, will be ok. For now, an alternative family but a family nonetheless. Always.

still alive but barely kicking.

We're sick.

J was sick.

E's sick.

I'm sick.

B came home from school yesterday complaining of feeling sick.

I have my head in the clouds with so many things swirling around that I'm utterly dizzy. I want to go back to school this fall, I want to do something with my life, I want to feel happy again. The logistics of making all those things happen frightens me to no end.

I'm so tired of being frightened.