no turning back now.

My application to school was sent off into the cosmos yesterday. I hope the cosmos carries it around, splashing it with pixie dust & meteor juice, delivering it safely onto the Registrar's desk very soon.

Barring something I totally missed, I'm honest when I say I'll be shocked as shit if I don't get accepted. Still, I'll still be on pins & needles until I have that official acceptance or denial letter in my hands.

Just in case, I hope meteor juice has magical lucky powers.

answered prayers.

When people ask me what happened
I say I'm really not sure
I know I wept & asked God
how much more I'd endure

I asked Him if He felt the urge
To let my anger go
To show me there's a better path
A different way to grow.

I begged I prayed I asked again
Depression, God, why me?
The pain the sorrow all the tears
Why burden this on thee?

For years the hole just grew
so deep and dark and big
I had no idea how to get out
So I just learned how to dig.

One night I prayed real hard
My dreams, so very bad
I awoke confused & with a start
but GONE was the sadness I'd had.

Its never come back
I try to explain
I finally feel hope
never once I'll complain.

I love this man Garth
but I'd lost my way
I thank my God
each & every day...

Thank you God
for bringing him back
for second chances &
forgiving all that I lack

I vow to you both
to never forget
Unconditional love
& 2nd chances you get.

So what happened to me?
I don't really know
but I'm convinced of His light
& now letting it show.
--Marissa--

it's that time again.

School starts Monday. This term I have just one class & I'm so excited that its my very last prerequisite to fulfil state requirements.




Shamelessly, I'm really proud of myself & my life right now. I didn't know I actually had it in me to get my life on a better track, be better, be happier, "fix" things & follow through with all of this. Without doubt, I'm a work in progress but I thank God (& Garth) each day for walking me beside me.

And here I am, filling out the paperwork for Mortuary School.

Onward & upward.

6 is my favorite number.

Sent to me today from Garth:

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong
~ Sheelagh Lennon ~

my achilles heel healed.

I thought babies would be my achilles heel to this profession.

I've now seen 3 babies at our funeral home. While incredibly sad, I never felt a connection to them -- they were somebodies baby, they were undoubtedly loved, but they weren't my baby if that makes sense. Those 3 babies definitely brought more emotion than someone in their 90's who lived a long, full life though. However, I still felt a sense of disconnect. My boss says its ok to feel a respectful disconnect with the deceased, its a normal protection mechanism, as long as you stay connected with the living whom you are serving.

I've now seen my 1st homicide victim. She brought me to the achilles heel, the absolute can-i-really-do-this moment of questioning myself. I've been deeply affected by this woman's cut too short life. I won't let myself get too emotionally involved, I just can't, but I've spent a lot of time thinking of this woman, who was close to my own age, what her last moments must have been like and her freshly pedicured toenails. I know, I know... toenails?! Incredibly odd that toenails got to me but I can't help but wonder if she had any inkling it would be her last pedicure. Surely she didn't. That makes me so incredibly sad.

I've also now seen my 1st autopsied body as well. Woah. Thankfully I was completely overcome with fascination & awe, not nausea. It was a lot to take in though that's for sure.

I recently received both my letters of recommendation for mortuary school. My two bosses had such wonderful things to say about me -- though one of my bosses joked that his letter is chock full of lies. I work with the most fun people, seriously. A lot of people can't claim they love their job. I love my job.

My mortuary school application goes in next week when my transcripts, including my summer class, will be ready. I'm excited, nervous, anxious... but mostly feeling really excited.

Not only can I really do this, I am really doing this.

TWO POINT OH

I maintained the same weight, within a 3 lb. range for well over a year. A feat I have never accomplished before during my adult life, and having done it after a 55 lb. weight loss was nothing short of frickin' fantastically amazingly wonderful.

And then?
I gained 15 lbs. in the past 3 months.

no. No. NO. NO!!!!
I can pinpoint the reasons but I don't have to like them.

This morning I biked 5 miles, walked for 1.
A healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch.
I've decided 29 lbs. are going to come off this frame.
Back to my original weight loss goal & then some.

Back in the saddle for Weight Loss Project 2.0
Watch me shrink. Again.