Never, never, never give up.

Much like Kirk Cameron in the movie Fireproof, I'm attempting The Love Dare by myself (Day 4 of 40 today).

I'm determined to stay positive and see it through.

Also much like Kirk Cameron, I'm frustrated. I'm trying, I'm really trying.

I'm determined to stay positive and see it through.

positive. determined. positive. determined. positive. determined.

frustrated.

Determination will win.

I'm positive.

Letting Go.

Years ago I had a poem taped to my refrigerator that my mom had given me. I read it almost daily and it truly got me through some tough times. My friend Michelle needed this poem a few months ago. I printed it out, mailed it to her and asked her to read it, reread it and keep reading it during those moments when it was hard to breathe, finding it difficult just to get from one moment to the next, never knowing which way to turn.

I also printed myself a copy and taped it back up on my refrigerator. Once again I find myself reading it daily, realizing how very true it is. When I try to control my surroundings, my circumstances, my life... oh how I screw it up time and time again.

Broken Dreams
As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?

You never did let go."

Robert J. Burdette

I'm letting go. Again. I'm going to keep reminding myself to keep letting go, handing this over to God each time I try to grab back the reins, letting Him handle what I know I cannot. I know His plan for me is best, is right.

A few nights ago Garth & I watched the movie Fireproof together. Again I was reminded to let it go, let God work in my/our heart(s) and guide me/us back on track... a far better, healthier, happier track than we ever walked together before.

There is also a song in the movie that really spoke to my heart, While I'm Waiting by John Waller.



I will wait.

pictures from Evie's party yesterday

05-24-06

Today is Everly Fern's 3rd birthday. Three years. Wow.

Three years have gone by so fast yet it feels like Evie's been a part of our family forever. I could not possibly love my daughter more than I do nor can I imagine our family without her in it.

Happy 3rd birthday Buttercup!

I was wrong.

I have been an angry person for so many years. This year I decided I would reflect on those things, be honest with myself and fix what was fixable.

For too many years I've blamed everyone else for my unhappiness. It wasn't their fault, it was mine.

A few months ago I mistakenly decided in seeking happiness I had to turn my back on the love of my life, blaming him for my unhappiness.

I was wrong.

I want my husband back. I want my family whole. I want to fix this and make these past few months be a stepping stone for goodness. I don't want to move backward, only forward.

I want to still better myself. I want to still work, still go to school, still be the best mom I can be. But there's something new I desperately want to try. To be a good wife. I never gave it my all. I always held back, angry, not wanting to be vulnerable. I wasn't giving, I wasn't loving, I was very unfair with my words, my actions, my love. I was wrong. I see that crystal clear now.

I miss my Garth. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend.
I pray its not too late to rediscover the genuine love, companionship & romance we've both had inside ourselves for one another, too angry & stubborn to show each other anymore.

Please pray he finds it in him to want this too.

Garth, I love & miss you and have never been more sure of anything in my entire life - I want this. I want us. I was wrong. Please help me fix us, forever. You are not only the father of my children but my best friend, my entire life. I want to rediscover those things that made us fall in love, let go of all the bullshit and laugh again with you. I never want to hurt you again. I will do anything to prove how serious I am about rebuilding, growing and making this work, both healthy and happy. I love you - M.

finding faith...

I am now not only employed but also officially a student as well.

faith (fāth) n.
Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.

I have faith that I will see this lifelong dream through to the end.
I have faith that God will show me the path.
I have faith that life will be ok.

I LOVE MY NEW JOB!

yeah yeah perhaps I *am* too excited about this.

how many people can say they have a job doing exactly what they've always wanted to be doing?

not enough, that's for sure.

went on my 1st body removal this morning. it was pretty text book standard, they won't all be this way. learned the ropes of body coverings, moving bodies, transporting them, working the cot (not the easiest to maneuver & i sure don't want to drop someones loved one while the grieving family stands by). the family today was lovely, truly. the gentleman who passed away was genuinely loved & well taken care of - it was very apparent.

once we got back to the funeral home (oh yes, i drive hearses, didn't ya know?!), i learned what my job was in the prep room. it's safe to say most people couldn't do this. i, on the other hand, was in full "teach me! teach me!" mode. interesting & fascinating don't even begin to describe what goes on between a death & a burial- cremation processes are pretty dang intriguing too.

more harassment from the superiors regarding my excitement & enthusiasm followed... though i can already tell i impress them with my unwavering, eager interest in seeing & learning it all. serving families respectfully and honorably is important to me and i really want to do a great job for them. there are so many religious aspects, cultural aspects, legal aspects, personal aspects - each situation so different from the next.

this may be historically a man-dominant business but stand back, this chic is blazing forward in it.

I see dead people.

I started my new job.

I LOVE IT!! I mean, I really really love it.

"Make a slit in the neck, poke your finger in, pull out the carotid artery..."

sweeeeeeeeeeeet.

I'm on call to do body removals. Nursing homes, private residences, hospitals... even at 3am. I can't wait for the first call. The guy who's been training me jokingly said I'm a bit too excited about this.

Everyone has been so helpful, friendly & I could tell right away I totally fit in. That rocks.

So far this week I've assisted during 2 funerals and am learning all that goes into making a funeral run smoothly for the families we are serving. There is a lot!!

One of the owners asked me on my first day if he looked familiar to me. I said no and asked if he should. He said he saw on my resume that we went to the same university at the same time but I didn't look familiar to him either. whew!

This is all so cool, intriguing and I can't wait to get my hands right in there.

It feels so good to feel genuine excitement again. It's been too long since I've felt that feeling in regards to myself.