hibernation mode.

I can't remember if Garth & I watched a show about it or read about it somewhere but if you've never learned the lengths that a bear goes through to prepare his body for hibernation I suggest you google it. It's terribly fascinating to say the least.

Once you know what I'm talking about, know that I have not gone to quite such lengths. But as our state continues to get bombarded with outrageously frigid temperatures and one after another snowdumps this season, I have gone into complete Michigan winter hibernation mode. I find myself continuously laying in bed under a pile of blankets, perusing the internet or watching reality tv... or both simultaneously (yeah yeah Garth, I know I know, that's every season, right?). It's cold even in the house, it's cold in the car, it's arctic cold outside. I'm freezing all the time, my hands feel like ice and every day I find myself daydreaming of the day I own a Snuggie. I'm just sooo cooooold allllll the timeeeee. Brrr.

I don't have much to blog about lately because, quite frankly, I haven't been doing very much. I do start back up with my personal trainer tomorrow so hopefully she can not only whip me back into shape but perhaps wake me up too. :::yawn:::

Welcome Garth!

<--- That's my Garth. He's my about-to-turn 40 enginerd husband who jumped in feet first at the opportunity of guest blogging when I offered. That's the face I captured as he typed. It appears he really enjoyed himself and perhaps now understands how this blogging thing is therapeutic for me.

The following is Garth's rendition of a typical weekend in our home & the antics of just 1 of our children. We get this typical fun x's 4! Yay us! Take it away Garth...

I’ve never been deluded enough to think having four children would be easy. On the contrary, I knew it would be hard. Not E=mc2 hard, but hard like solving a Rubik’s cube while driving a forklift hard. This weekend was a brisk reminder.

Friday was uneventful. No drama, a few family games, dinner in with all of us.

Saturday began with Wilson’s basketball clinic at 9:00 AM. Now mind you, getting somewhere at 9:00 AM on a Saturday can be a challenge with our family. Fortunately, clean underwear, sweat pants, teeth brushed, a quart of coffee and we were out the door. Jackson, Everly and Brenden stayed at home while Marissa and I both went; her to take pictures and me to bounce a mini basketball with a 6 year old. Believe it or not, it’s one of my weekly highlights. What Wil lacks in skill, he doesn’t even come close to making up in coachability. In other words, basketball may not be his sport.

(that's a yawn. he's totally into this as you can tell...)

Saturday evening was Marissa’s grandmothers 80th birthday party. We chose to bring all the kids. I like to bring them to things like that – it helps to socialize them. I liken it to taking several wild animals for a walk on the strip in Vegas.

In two hours I went to the bathroom 8 times – and never once for me. Wilson peed 3 times and pooped once. Jackson peed twice. Everly peed and needed a very nasty diaper changed. I didn’t have any wet wipes so I used a clean cloth napkin from the restaurant. In case you’re wondering, I threw it away. To top it off Everly puked – EVERYWHERE. On me, on her, on my shoes, in the hallway of the restaurant, on the door of the men’s room, on the floor of the men’s room, and on the wall of the men’s room. She was pretty much done by the time we got to the toilet (our kids have puking issues, she wasn’t sick - puking is like a sport to them. a sport they play very, very well).

Oh, I forgot to mention Wilson cut a big clump of hair off his head earlier in the day. We’re not sure why, just seemed like a good thing to do, according to him.

Sunday had great promise and generally nothing of much significance transpired, with one exception. Marissa has this otoscope. It’s a medical device used for looking in ears. For those of you who know Marissa, you’re all nodding your head going “of course she has an otoscope for looking in peoples ears”.

Anyway, she likes to look in the kids ears from time to time and then dig out some huge boulder of ear wax. The kids know not to put up a fuss - resistance is futile and Marissa can be relentless. When it came Wilson’s turn, he told Marissa she could only look in the left ear but not the right. After 3-5 seconds of careful negotiations (which went something like “get your ass over here”), Wilson was subjected to a right ear examination. And what do you know? We found what appeared to be a small red BB. We thought it was from the kids’ air soft pellet gun which made perfect sense to me. “Hey, here’s something small and round. I think I’ll shove it deep in my ear canal. That’ll be awesome.”

After a brief consultation with Marissa’s mom, the retired RN, Marissa irrigated his ear with olive oil and then a mixture of peroxide & water. She then pulled out a now slippery, small, round Christmas tree ornament with tweezers. Yes, I said A CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENT. It was small and round, but it also had a sharp wire protruding from it. I’ll let that sink in for a moment.


I expect you’re all asking yourselves the same thing Marissa and I pondered, “why?!”. I can hear his little brain saying “what if I just…?” What frightens me more is whether he considered other objects. Maybe a Goldfish cracker (nope, too delicious), a marker top (too big), or maybe a shard of broken glass (ohh, now that has potential).

That’s it. Those were the high points. Just another typical weekend at the family asylum. Weekends are rarely calm, quiet, organized or efficient. They are, however, fun and filled with many memories. I wouldn’t give them up for anything, the memories or the kids.

shuffle shuffle flap flap toe touch.

New Years Resolutions.

Who keeps 'em?

I DO!

In 2009 I will battle that last 20 lbs. I want to lose. It may take the entire year but I WILL lose it.

I will continue to strive to clean up my insides, all while battling the bulge of my outsides.

Another resolution I made for 2009 was to take a class in something new. Just a few days later in our gym's newsletter was a listing for a beginner level adult tap dance class. YES! There's my sign. I was the first person enrolled.

Last night was my 1st class. I approached the studio with apprehension and excitement. I'm back feeling overweight, gumpy and a far cry from that college pom girl I once was.

'Oh hell, get over yourself and have some fun!', I silently cursed myself.

"Hi, are you new too?", I was asked by 2 adorable late 20/early 30something girls waiting by the door.

"I am!", I gushed and explained this was my New Years resolution. Telling me they thought that was so cool, they welcomed me right into their fold as we realized we 3 were THE 'new girls' in the class. The other 5 participants had taken the class at least once before and were so obviously further advanced than us. I later learned one of the new girls is also the younger sister of a wonderful friend of mine. "It's a small world..."

Together we learned to shuffle, flap, pivot, toe/heel and step/ball change/kick. We laughed often and high-5'ed one another when we successfully made it across the floor even though we all struggled to walk and flap at the same time.

This tap thing is going to be a challenge. I don't feel as confident and comfortable in my own skin as I once had while dancing. I watched myself in the mirror self-consciously wondering if other people saw the same wobbly, chubby, uber-pale girl I saw. Constantly my own bully, I honestly struggled with my body image self-doubt each time I caught my own reflection. I am so very determined to overcome this. I really am.

Feeling challenged is a good thing - the next 10 weeks will be a great thing for me. I watch myself in that mirror, proud for jumping feet first into something so unfamiliar. I also watch myself in that same mirror, not completely comfortable with the image that stares back. I'm determined to learn this craft, at least at a beginners level, and I'm equally determined to learn to look in the mirror and for once, be content with the person who stares back at me.

My rack, however, looked stellar. I'm going to just have to build off the foundation of that confidence.

humbled & honored.

What a day to be an American! I feel immense excitement and pride to live during the time when tides have turned, times have changed and hope is renewed for so many, many people.


"I have a dream today!

...I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

...I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

Thank you Dr. King. I hope your dream will one day be in full & complete bloom. It is my dream too.

God bless America, today & every day.

Saturday, that's my fun day...

I'm over the hump of Tuesday's surgery. Wednesday kinda sucked. Thursday was worse. Yesterday I felt the life slowly coming back to me. Then I cleaned Everly's room top to bottom. Too much, always pushing the envelope... I paid for it by feeling like the dook for the rest of the day.

Today we're cleaning, hopefully napping & slapping paint samples on some walls. I'm ready to move forward with this painting, new furniture & redecorating she-bang that I've been talking about far longer than I actually planned to. I'd have thought we'd be completely done by now. We are some serious procrastinating slackers around here, not good traits to mutually harbor as a married couple.

Tonight we're having friends & their kids over for a casual game night. 8 adults, 8 kids, pizza, appetizers, a little Wii and some board games. I forewarned all the ladies that NO ONE better show up in heels. I may wear jammie pants, it's that casual.

I'm off like a prom dress to dust and do all of the light housework I can muster. Garth & the kids are responsible for the rest. Ahhh now, doesn't that sound great?!

Introducing For The Love of Liz

Through a tragedy I wish never happened, a newly launched non-profit group was formed that I am honored to have become a part of. I have made some, without a doubt, lifelong friendships through the formation of this foundation. I pray many families who are faced with the traumatic experience of losing a spouse can find some relief through the Liz Logelin Foundation - For the Love of Liz. ~ Marissa
------------------------

On March 24, 2008, little Madeline Elizabeth Logelin came into this world.

The next day, her mother left it.

From this impossibly tragic event, a community was born. A community of individuals, united in their desire to help and support Madeline and her father, Matt. This community formed the basis for what would become a worldwide charitable foundation:

The Liz Logelin Foundation – For the Love of Liz.

After the catastrophic loss of his wife, Matt Logelin coped by turning not only to his wonderfully supportive family and friends, but to the internet. He had already begun a casual blog to keep friends and family abreast of Liz’s pregnancy; within 2 weeks of her passing, that blog became what it is today: a place where Matt can share his joys and frustrations, challenges and heartbreaks; where concerned friends, new and old, can meet, talk, laugh, and cry with Matt; and most importantly, where other widows and widowers can offer – and be offered – support and friendship.

So strong and large was the community that spontaneously formed around Matt and Madeline, it seemed not only natural, but necessary to harness the strength of that network and turn it into something – something that could help ease the pain and lighten the load felt by widows and widowers everywhere.

And it all sprang from the Love of Liz.

Welcome to the Liz Logelin Foundation.

Please click here if you can help:

home.

Just an update...

I'm home, still alive & happily drugged. Taking it easy and recovering, which I hope is quick and without much pain. Surgery appears to have been a complete success and thus far without complications. Yay!

going, going, under.

This afternoon...




This afternoon I go back under the knife. Today won't be nearly as fun of a procedure as my tummy tuck or breast 'enhancements' had been but rather a necessary one this time. Also supposedly a much simpler procedure than my previous surgeries so I'm hoping the recovery will is easier this time as well. Still under general anesthesia though, which always makes me a little nervous. With a little luck, I'll be checking back in tomorrow!

It's the little things.

I was wallowing, I can't lie. Garth knew I was having a rough day yesterday and said all the right words to try to make it better. He really did try and I was thankful.

After Garth found Wilson many aisles over after he, once again per usual, wandered off in Target I asked Wilson what he would do had we not found him. Exasperated he replied, "I'd find a red shirt and tell them a stranger was trying to steal me to kill me." Ok drama boy, that was a bit much considering a stranger never approached you while on your very-much-against-the-rules adventure solo in Target.

"Wilson, no one was trying to steal you or kill you but that could happen - wandering off is against the rules".

"I know". Head hangs in theatrical shame.

"How about starting with finding 'a red shirt' and telling them 'My name is Wilson xxxxx and I can't find my parents'"?

"Ok".
Over the head. Right over his sweet sometimes-I-want-to-strangle-his-spaz-self adorable little head.

I turn out of an aisle and a stranger (probably the child stealer/serial killer...) stops me and says, "I heard all that and I can tell you're a great mom and I wanted you to know".

Me? A good mom? The one who feels overwhelmed too often, swears too much and has the patience of a gnat? Shut up inner-turmoil, I'll take a compliment when it comes my way.

Blushing I thanked him and he kept moving his cart forward. Back off he went, still a stranger to me, but his words I heard louder than Garth's had earlier. I take for granted the words I hear from voices so familiar and I need to stop doing that. But this strangers kindness, he surely didn't have to stop to compliment me, I heard his loud and clear.

It made my day. No, my week.

I am a good mom. And when I'm not, I'm going to take a deep breath and try again. I'll keep trying 'til I get it right. Or close.

random, you want random?!

My dad doesn't like it when I don't update my blog regularly. He assumes I must be at the bottom of the stairs in the basement, calling out for help, no one hearing my cries of despair. My 2 littlest boys never even looked up from Dora when I nearly severed my finger with a Cutco knife & an avacado a few years ago. Blood spray on the floor, walls & ceiling (no lie, its still on ceiling) and no one batted an eyelash at my screams of agony. Hmmm, wondering how I often feel ignored in this family, there's a clue. But no dad, I'm not hurt and nothings wrong but I am hungry. How's about you make me a sandwich? I've got about 4 kinds of mustard here.

So I'm updating my blog. But I have nothing witty to say! This week has been mundane at best. Wilson(6) started gymnastics this week. Luckily, and surprisingly, the class was split right down the middle; 4 girls, 4 boys. I knew he'd have a better time if there were some boys in the class. Nah, he'd probably have more fun if it was 7 girls plus him. He's a chick magnet like that, who am I kidding. He needed an afternoon activity to run off some of his winter-cabin-fever-spaz-energy, this class kind of fell in my lap, the schedule worked so we ran with it. He loves it. Keeping Everly out of the play/gym area was hell but the gym coordinator offered me a pass for 'open gym' for her while Wilson is in class. No, I take that back - she offered to sell me a pass for open gym. Anything for my precious little darlings, right?!

Last night I had Garth bring home take-out for the kids. I told him I wanted him to take me out to dinner, I wanted it to be healthy (remotely) and then I wanted to go to the mall shopping for a few items. He happily obliged and it was nice to get out of the house for a couple of hours with him, ALONE.

We entered the mall through Bed, Bath & Beyond and I kicked myself for not having a 20% off coupon with me as we immediately saw Snuggies for $14.99 - yet another As Seen on TV item I desire to covet (I'm always cold!). This time I actually want it, unlike the Bendaroos - which were a JOKE desire & are an extremely dumb product.

My mom passed the As Seen on TV gene onto me. Most are THE dumbest products but some actually do what they claim! My PedEgg? That thing is SWEET! I kid you not, my feet are smoother right now than any pedicurist has ever gotten them. I went to town with that thing to the point of my feet being sore the next day but damn they're smooth now. My AquaGlobes? ROCK. Great conversation piece too. Everyone knows what it is, asks about it and seems genuinely amazed that someone actually owns one of them. Genius!

Wow, I'm really making myself sound White Trashy here. I assure you I'm not. Well sort of maybe. I'm not a hillbilly although our house looks like the Clampetts decorated it. I'm not backwoods even though one of my favorite foods is pickled bologna. My saving grace is that I think Mountain Dew is sick. It's probably saved a few of my teeth not liking the stuff too. Gross. I've actually never had a cavity in my life (new random fact for ya) - so I suppose that tosses me right out of White Trashville right on that fact alone. Yes? Oh please say yes.

See, Dad? I started typing this morning with nothing to say and here I am rambling on & on with my fingers typing a smooth 81wpm. Before I entered that 81wpm fact, I actually checked myself on TypingTest. I'm just anal-retentive enough to do that (another random fact). I took it 3 times and my lowest score was a 77wpm. I may suck at putting on makeup and doing my hair but damn, I can type like a MoFo.

My smallest darling is stirring awake so my blogging moments are drawing to an end this morning. Hopefully something exciting (good exciting, not bad exciting) will happen soon so that I'll actually have something of interest to say, err type.

Aren't ya happy now knowing I'm not hurt at the bottom of my basement stairs? Or maybe now you wish I was.

Oprah is my homegirl.

Oprah told me yesterday that I don't love food. I don't crave it. What I crave is love.

That goes against my grain. I was raised with the following quote repeated at each family birthday, holiday, celebration & gathering: "Food is love".

If food is love and love is what I crave, shouldn't I be craving food? Apparently I do have it right. Or all wrong. Just ask my wide ass.


My inner cleanse is on. This year I decided I would examine and attempt to fix some of the inner workings of my being that, in the words of good 'ol Dr. Phil, 'just ain't working for me'. I really want to be healthy, both inside & out. I long for it.

When Garth got home from work last night I did what I often do; escaped to my bedroom. I want away from the housework, away from the screaming/bickering/squealing/yelling/fighting/whining kids. I'll watch mundane reality tv on VH1, peruse the internet, take a bath. Anything to just walk away from it all for a little while. Usually for far too long I'm beginning to recognize.

This behavior has lavished me with a few gifts. Being thought of by myself & undoubtably others as selfish, lazy, disconnected to list a few. Am I these things? This year I am determined to explore these things & fix what is need of repair.

I don't think of myself as all that selfish. There's only so much you can give of yourself on a daily basis. By 6pm, I'm touched out, wiped out, laundered out, refereed out. I'm tired. No one ever listens to me. My body is exhausted. My brain is fried. I don't know how more hands-on moms do it to be honest. I feel like I give, give, give and it's still never enough. Yet I watch other moms and I crave to be more like them; more patient, more kind, even more hands on. Just more.

Am I lazy? I can admit, I am lazy. Lazy by nature. I can lay in bed, watching tv alllll day on a Sunday and think nothing of it, letting Garth take care of the kids. Garth says I'm letting the world pass me by. Shit, its a crazy ass world that sometimes I don't even want to be a part of so letting it pass me right by doesn't always sound so bad. However sometimes I do get down on myself that I'm letting my life slip by; we don't travel much, I'm not terribly motivated to update my house (I'm trying to be!!!), I don't "do" a whole lot other than being a mom/maid on most days. When I was a child my parents would offer me allowance to do chores. I'd tell them to keep their stankin' money, I didn't want it & I didn't want to do chores. Was this laziness? Defiance? Both? Not much has changed in that regard. I'm going to try to improve on my laziness in 2009 but truth be told I don't have a real problem with myself in this area. Some people are go-getters. I'm lazy. Eh, you can't be everything. I do probably need to work on the defiance streak that still runs through me. I'm sorry Mom & Dad for all that my 'strong personality' put you through. I'd want to kick my own ass if I was my mother.

Disconnection. Ding Ding Ding! My key area of focus this year. I am disconnected. Disconnected from my family, my friends, life and admittedly it's usually on purpose. My mom says I put too much stock in other people. I give a lot to relationships & I expect a lot in return. Those expectations usually fall really short. I've too often befriended people who, if given enough time, treat me more of a doormat than an actual friend. Rather than fight it, I just disconnect. Coping mechanism, maybe, but it's a rather empty one at that. I call it breaking up with bad friendships but in reality its disconnecting before you can hurt me again. Most people don't realize how far apologies go with me. My tough exterior has some definite cracks, with surprising-to-many sensitivity oozing right out of 'em.

This year I am determined to break free. Break free of the bondage that feeds my inner instability of self-doubt and depression. Yes, I said it. I feel depressed a lot of the time. I'm so tired of being hurt, tired of giving my all and still feeling so empty and not good enough inside. I'm so completely tired of feeling invisible. I'm tired of not living up to other peoples standards, trying to fit into their mold of what's good, right & acceptable, feeling badly because I refuse to be someone I'm just not. I'm determined to stop laying so comfortably in a fetal position far too often, willing the world to just go away because I'm not good enough for it. I am good enough. I realize I sound like Al Franken but hey, it appears he may have officially won the MN senate seat. Self-love. Al Franken might really be onto something. Go figure.

So Oprah, that food I stuff myself with until I feel satisfied? That satisfaction that never, ever comes? I'm going to take your advice and seek out love this time and see how that works. Not a torrid love affair with a new man (relax Garth), I'm going to love ME, something I'm quite certain I've never actually done before.

This year is going to be different. It has to be.

here we go again.

::sigh:: Another new year, another new weight.

I was doing so well too. ::bigger sigh::

My surgeries last June & September threw off my gym routine. My recovery process threw it off further. My abs & core still aren't ready for it, they have more healing to do still. Still?! Unbelievable. When the Dr. said a year, apparently he wasn't joking.

My weight was fantastic for so long too. I was maintaining. Maintaining is good.

Then my birthday. 2 weeks later, Thanksgiving. Then the holiday parties began. Christmas, then New Years. Lots of food, even more alcohol.

The scale. Oh, the scale.

The scale still reflects a huge weight difference from last years New Years Day. Enough to be extremely proud of myself for what I accomplished in 2008.

However I'm still not where I want to be.
I'm not sure I'll ever be where I really want to be.
Such is the life of being a woman.
Especially a woman who really loves beer.
And food.

As of Jan. 1's weight, I want to lose 15 lbs.
Hmm, better yet, maybe 20 for good measure.

That sure feels a whole lot easier than my 2008 resolution of a 50 lb. loss. That sounded daunting. But, I accomplished it. Then gained some back but hey, I DID accomplish it.

Back on the wagon I've been since January 2nd, with food at least. With my upcoming surgery in a few days the exercise thing is still off by the wayside. No use fighting the new years resolution folks at the gym. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. I'll be ready by Feb. 1st since its a relatively easy procedure. Yeah yeah, another surgery. I'm not addicted to this, it's a repair to a complication I experienced post-surgery in September - a corrective one this time, not exactly a fun one. It's a far cry from the rhinoplasty I really want done next, that's for sure. Addicted to plastic surgery? Who? No, not me. Just a really big fan, that's all.

So here I go back to coconut oil, wheat grass juice, black beans, brown rice, grilled chicken breasts, green vegetables, sweet potatoes, almonds... kissing goodbye copious amounts of beer, bread, basically anything white, processed or filled with sugar.

Goodbye yummy foods, Hello smaller ass!

Ringing in the New Year, 2009 style.