Here's to one crazy year.

Here's to an equally crazy or even scarier year ahead.

And I said to myself,
"Self, goodbye 2010, hello 2011.
Best of luck to you... you're gonna need it."

wrapping it up with a bow.

I really need to post about something other than school, I realize. If only I had something in my life that absorbed anywhere near the amount of time or energy! I'm catching my blog up to speed and then moving on to spend the holiday with my family and forget about school for the upcoming week. Only 8 weeks of school til graduation!!!!

Transcripts for 3rd quarter are in:

Anatomy: 109%
Chemistry: 96%
Embalming: 86%
Funeral Directing: 94%
Mortuary Law: 98%
Microbiology: 106%
Psychology: 109%
Restorative Art: 94%
Accounting: 93%
Pathology: 99%
Communications: 106%
History of Funeral Service: 78%
(I find this class about pyramids & Greeks & other incredibly boring topics so ::yawn:: that I barely pay attention & it shows)

3rd quarter GPA: 97.82%

My lab grades (Restorative Art, Embalming & Anatomy) are all cumulative and won't show up until my 4th quarter transcripts. The above classes of the same names are for lecture.

Cumulative GPA: 98.42%
----------------------------------------------------------

Last projects of 3rd quarter Restorative Art lab.
I'm now working on an entire skull.

hard to read but that's a 96%:

75%

that's how much I've accomplished.
I'm officially 75% through mortuary school.

I have yet to get my 3rd quarter transcripts but by my calculations, I'm still holding strong at a solid 97/98% overall GPA. Not too shabby by most peoples standards but not worthy of the 1st place keyholder status any longer.

I'm ok with it.
It's been a ridiculous strain.
FOR MONTHS.
I've actually lost sleep over, "If you don't finish 1st, you're last."
Utterly.F*cking.Ridiculous.

I know how hard I've worked,
how many times I wanted to quit...
but didn't.

The pressure I've felt the past 9 months over "finishing first" is gone. Not everyone can do it and apparently I'm one of them. The relief, not regret, I feel from this ephiphany is humbling...
yet liberating as shit.

The reality is, at graduation,
the only difference between their degree and mine
will be our names.

If by some strange twist of fate I earn that top spot, there will never be a moment I look at my fellow top students and forget how hard it was for every one of us to jockey our positions near the top or how frickin' ridiculous the stress over it really was.

Only I will own this degree.
Only I will know what it truly took to earn it and
I'm proud of myself.

It's about damn time I figured that out.
I'm running out of prescription pills to handle that insanity anyway.

One Thousand.

That's how many thoughts run through my head momentarily, hourly, daily.

My kids.
Garth.
Garth with the kids.
Their resilience amazes me.

My marriage.
makes me nervous. anxious. terrified.
This time apart has been hard on us both.

Every week there is also
Funeral Directing, Mortuary Law, Chemistry.
Anatomy, Psychology, Pathology, Embalming.
Microbiology, Restorative Art, Public Speaking.
Funeral History, Restorative Art lab.
Accounting, ugh, Accounting.

Quizzes, tests, midterms, papers, finals.

Once a week Embalming Lab at the county morgue.

Money. Tuition. Christmas.
A roommate, an apartment, rent, utilities.
A 4 hour weekly commute, gas prices.
Guilt.

I don't have an apprenticeship for next year yet.

There are no Saturdays out to cut loose.
I don't have time for my friends anymore.
It saddens me to no end.

I run on fumes daily
My brain never shuts off
I don't know how I'm doing this
Yet it feels like I've been doing it forever
I honestly don't remember my life before this
For the most part, I don't want to.

I want school to come to an end
It's truly unimaginable, no real words to describe
how mentally and physically exhausting.

I don't want school to come to an end
The future frightens me.
------------------------


Time out for a quick bragging moment:
The girl who doesn't have an artistic bone in my body -- shit, I don't even know how to decorate my home -- received the 2nd highest grade in my Restorative Art Lab twice now! An average class grade on these are about an 88.

Currently working on a set of lips.

so so busy

Short update -- Midterms, with one more left to go:

Organic Chemistry: 96%
Microbiology: 98%

I have no idea how I'm doing it this term. I'm studying a lot less, I've lost my mojo, my brain is in 1000 places other than school... but I'm still hanging in there & cramming when necessary.

4.5 months left to go 'til graduation.

Dear Dad,

I know you ask me to update my blog more often so you can keep up with what I'm doing but the past few months I've been busier than I thought it's humanly possible to be. 14 classes this term is seriously stretching my limits. We started our morgue practicum down at the county morgue and wow, I sure chose a *small* county, eh? I've seen the cooler full... that's 300+ bodies. I don't think you can imagine the aroma. You can try but you'll be wrong. It's worse than that. I was pretty nervous about going there and being graded on our work. Once again I'm surprising myself though. I'm actually quite good at it. I guess determination and passion really do come through in things you put your heart & soul into. Never thought I'd find my niche in life but I have. That thrills me.

Both little boys are in the midst of their soccer season so Saturdays & Sundays at home have been quickly occupied with games in frigid or rainy weather. I'm convinced the kick off of the season signals God to bring on ridiculous weather for parents who are obligated to sit on the sidelines, continuing to yell encouraging words regardless of their desire to be sitting in a warm car instead (oh wait, maybe that's just me... my bad).

I am still working at the funeral home but not often. Two to three times a month at most. I wasn't given a definitive but was told last week it's not likely I'll be serving my apprenticeship there as they simply aren't busy enough for the budget to allow it. I'm not taking it personal, they insisted I not, it's no secret I've been an asset to their company. While I do still feel the sting of rejection I'm really focusing on it being a sign there are bigger & better things out there for me. Now I have to set off finding it (which feels like a major pain in the butt!).

The kids are doing great, Garth & I are doing fine... or at least hanging in there. This whole year is a helluva challenge but I can feel the home stretch and can't wait to say I steadfastly finished this race.

B will be 16 in just over a week. Can you think back 16 years ago and ever imagine the life I'm living today? Yeah, me neither. ;)

Love ya!
Marissa

** PS - you & mom really need to get on the texting bandwagon. man that'd make my life easier. please please please think about it. c'mon, all the cool kids/parents are doing it. :)

Neglected.

This blog is becoming neglected.

My 3 week break from school is over. Today starts the second half of school. I'm halfway through this program. I can't believe it. It's gone so fast yet I feel like I've been here forever.

I'm glad to be back but I slept horrible last night. It took me almost the entire 3 weeks to become acclimated back to home and my full time roles there but sleeping here in my little compartment reminded me again how very much this isn't home.

Away I go with this divided life again but it's now the homeward stretch.

honey, i'm coming home.

Finals are over. Mortuary School is officially half over. I don't know whether to laugh, cry or hunker down in a fetal position and rock back & forth. I'm leaving this morning and going HOME for 3 WEEKS, my 1st break since March.

I lowered my GPA this term. Since it stood at 100.35% last term it was pretty much inevitable. I'm below 100% now. Barely. But it still stings a little. I've been giving this my all, know I've done my best and couldn't do more or try much harder than I have been. If my very best falls short of perfection so be it (but it still stings a little). Being a perfectionist isn't fun. People who don't suffer from this monstrosity of an affliction will never understand the stress & pressure it causes. At times it's all consuming yet always self-deprecating. Allowing myself pride comes at a high cost and is often just too expensive for me to enjoy.

School is hard. So is this experience. This is single-handedly the craziest thing I've ever set out to do. It's painful yet rewarding. It's stressful yet a blast. It's challenging yet empowering. I still pinch myself sometimes while sitting in the classroom that I am where I actually am, sitting in a classroom IN MORTUARY SCHOOL, finally fulfilling my dream. At other times I sit on my bed in my small, quiet compartment (its too little to be called an apartment) and wonder WTF am I doing here, away from my family, away from my life, away from my comfort zone, studying subjects that sometimes feel are being taught to me in another language.

If this is what life is all about, I'm living it fully. But wow, what a freakin' roller coaster ride it is.

----------------

(Above 100 = some professors will assign extra credit & only a fool wouldn't do it all)

Anatomy: 110% (earned max possible points!)
Chemistry: 102%
Embalming: 85% (last term was a 97% ::sigh::)
Business Law: 87%
Microbiology: 106%
Psychology: 102%
Restorative Art: 93%
Pathology: 98%
Public Speaking: 101%
Funeral Arrangements: 90%
Ethics: 100%
Funeral Home Management: 92%

...and so it begins...

Finals, Round II.
Twelve classes, Eleven finals.

My Ethics class didn't have a final.
Got my grade for the class yesterday.
100.
I think that means I'm proficiently ethical.

Speech Communications (Public Speaking) -
the final was this past Wednesday.
I know I got one wrong but believe I rocked it out otherwise.

Ten more finals to go. Two per day, M-F.

Three weeks of break to follow.
I need a break.
Perhaps even more than three weeks worth.
I need a brain reset button.

Almost halfway to home plate.

the calm before the storm.

i'm home for one last weekend of semi-peace before the next 2 hell weeks begin. it's review week & then finals... 11 of them this term.

i have some homework to complete this weekend, more than i wish i had. other plans include:

nothing.

that's right. nothing. i want to just sit still and not think. to enjoy home and forget about school (impossible). i want to watch W throw goldfish across the room at J (what he's doing as i type this) and have life be that simple for the next 3 days.

my lives, both of them (i truly feel like i live 2 very distinctly different lives right now) are insane. i still can't believe all that i do each week. i also can't believe it's almost half way over. crazy.

wish me luck on finals, i feel like this term i really need it.

rip stick = ripped arm.

These are the times being away really, really sucks.
Listening to him over the phone was a Mama's version of hell.
Fractured both his radius & ulna.
We go to the ortho tomorrow for the full cast.
He hopes he can get purple.
I'll be there.

Edit:
He got purple.
I was there.

2nd Quarter MIDTERMS.

Thankfully, I only had 3 classes with midterms & they are OVER.

ANATOMY: 96%
MICROBIOLOGY: 100%
CHEMISTRY: 98%

By looks alone, it would appear these exams were easy. If only it were so! We were told quite a few of us did really well but the flip side was quite a decent proportion of the class failed them all. But I, oh I, ROCKED THEM.

Signed,
Boastfully Proud as Shit of Myself

what am i here for?

I've been asked what exactly we do in Mortuary school.

In a nutshell, I'm learning how to properly, legally, ethically & professionally:

* do body removals/transfers from hospitals, nursing & private homes, often in the middle of the night
* meet with families at their worst times & make funeral arrangements with families, often mediating discord between family members
* work with doctors, hospitals, coroners, medical examiners, police, clergy, cemeteries, registrar offices, social security, insurance companies, attorneys, florists, airlines, military branches, fraternal organizations, musicians
* gather information from families & doctors to complete and register death certificates
* coordinate cemetery plots, opening of graves and inurnments & interments
* pre-need funeral arrangements (one of the best gifts you can give your survivors!)
* collect necessary documents to establish next of kin, responsible persons, military benefits, burial permits and county assistance for burial
* arrange funeral services with churches & clergy
* help family's choose caskets, urns, vaults, crypts, plots, niches, headstones
* coordinate funeral & memorial services - religious, military, fraternal, traditional, non-traditional, personalized, flowers, music, pall bearers, memorial folders, prayer cards, scriptures, memorial contributions
* coordinate proper transportation for services; limousines, hearse, family cars
* gather information for death notices & obituaries and submit them to newspapers
* collect clothing for & dress the deceased
* arrange with airlines for incoming or outgoing human remains; retrieve & deliver
* work with casket companies
* restore deceased bodies for proper viewing through use of thanatochemistry to denature proteins, destroy bacteria, lower risk of public health issues & slow the decomposition process
* recreate to natural form any part of the deceased body that was traumatized due to accident or disease before or at death with restorative art techniques (that are crazy complicated!)
* coordinate appointments with, deliver bodies & retrieve cremains from the crematory
* learn the business side of funeral home ownership; maintaining necessary insurance, human resources, obtaining financing, livery, marketing, advertising, public relations, small business management
* small group & public speaking with confidence, establishing rapport & trust with families, members of the community and surrounding businesses
etc., etc., etc...


...and you thought I was learning to embalm.

no new news is good news.

my dad says i should update my blog more often. it's how he follows my life when we don't talk by phone -- we'd communicate a lot more if he got a cell phone & a texting package. my mom needs text too. texting rocks & i sometimes wish it was simply how i communicated with everyone; in person or in text. it's not that i mind talking to either of you by phone, i just would text you tidbits of info much more often than we actually get a chance to talk by phone.

MY LIFE

Mon-Wed:

awake

shower

school

nap

swim laps & do cardio at the gym

(though i still can't manage to lose any weight)

study

sleep

Thurs:

awake

shower

pack up the car

school

drive forever

sleep

Fri & Sat:

attempt to cram a weeks worth of activities with the kids & garth into 2 days, all while guiltily working & studying 1 or 2 of those days as well.

Sun:

awake

shower

pack up the car

drive forever

study

sleep

rinse, lather, repeat.

rinse, lather, repeat.

rinse, lather, repeat.

yup, that's my life.

it's boring as shit.

but, its mine.

10 days

10 days straight here is too long.
I bet my kids have grown in the past 10 days & I missed it.
I still feel great about what I'm doing and why, but 10 days away scares me with a sense of distance & detachment.

I need attachment.
I need home.

W, so excited, told me he let his teacher know since his year-end picnic was on a Thursday, I could be there because I come home on Thursdays. Problem is, I wouldn't have made it home in time. Over the phone I heard deflation when I told him I didn't think I'd be able to make it.

"It's ok. I'll just tell her tomorrow that you can't make it after all."

{sigh}

"You know what, buddy? I was wrong. I'll be there after all. I'll be there."

I'm tarnishing my record of perfect attendance, skipping the entire day of school Thursday and I can't think of a better reason to do so.

Wow. I miss home.

For You. For Me. For Us.

I miss home like crazy.
I miss the little things.
I miss my old life.

But you know what?
I like my new one too.
And I don't feel so guilty about it anymore.

It's all good.
This all has a purpose.
A good one at that.
Might as well enjoy it since I'm here.

I'm in a good place.
A really, really good place.
I love my Garth.
I love my kids.
I love my will & desire to do this.

To not just do this...
but to do it well.
Quitting is not an option
& neither is mediocracy.

I can't believe the life,
the one I've always wanted
dreamt of... daydreamed of
but never realistically thought possible
is actually coming into fruition.

And here I am.
Happy.

Finally.

Bring it, Term 2.

Term 2 is underway. Yesterday my schedule remained the same for 2 classes but our Funeral Directing class has now suddenly become Pathology. Nothing like turning it up a notch.

This should be a good week. Classes have nothing yet assigned, nor are there any tests yet on the horizon. If I could just get rid of the headache that occupied my brain for most of yesterday and angrily greeted me again this morning, I'd be in great shape.

I went out for a quick dinner (I made a great, healthy choice!) and headed to a local nature preserve for a walk with a classmate last evening. The nature preserve was so cool and we agreed to go back again, not so close to dusk next time as we were only about halfway in and she & I were suddenly swarmed by mosquitoes. We laughed about how wonderful it felt to get out of our apartments & actually do something other than studying ~ I topped off that elation with an impromptu dance on the trail and a quick rendition of "The hills are alive...".

I feel good.
Now if this headache would go away,
I'd feel GREAT.

Ya'll ready for this...

The 1st term of Mortuary School is over.

You need a cumulative year-end score of 75% or higher to graduate.

You can receive more than 100% in a few classes if you rock them out plus do all the extra credit, but not all classes offer extra credit (I do all the extra credit). If you do better than 100% in a class, those extra % points can really help boost your cumulative score if you struggle in another class down the road.

One class exam has yet to be graded and one grade (Funeral Home Management) may be an error. The registrar let me know there may be an error in our class' grades & that she'd be checking with the instructor Tuesday - they may be missing our midterm within them, to which I got 100% (toot! toot!). So if there is an error the grade will only go up, which makes me happy since it's my lowest grade. Fingers crossed!

Anatomy: 106%
Chemistry: 106%
Embalming: 97%
Funeral Directing: 104%

Business Law: 99%

Microbiology: 106%

Sociology: 101%

Restorative Art: 93%

Communications: 102%

Professional Ethics: 99%
Funeral Home Management: 89%

Funeral Arrangements: still outstanding

Cumulative Score: 100.18%

Zing!

the stress, ohhhh the stress.

I leave soon to go take my final 2 exams.

This has been a mentally exhausting week.
A stressful week it has been.

Do we get a break between quarters?
Yeah, it's called the weekend.

But the good news is...
In a few hours...
I will have officially survived...

25% of mortuary school!!

8 down, 4 to go.

Exams now completed:
Sociology
Ethics
Communications
Microbiology
Restorative Art
Embalming
Anatomy
Funeral Arrangements

Exams left to take:
Business Law
Business Management
Chemistry
Funeral Directing

This weekend I intend to do very little.
Next to nothing.
Possibly nothing at all.

2 down, 10 to explode.

my brain is fried.

i honestly don't know how i'll get through the week.

2 exams every day
tomorrow through friday.

i have not stopped studying since i left school thursday.

i sincerely have
a really bad headache
but i'm afraid
if it goes away
it'll take all my smarts
with it.

i'm not even sure i remember how to unwind anymore.

one of twelve.

FINALS.

How am I suddenly 25% through the school year already?
What?!

Today I take the 1st of 12 finals.
1 today, 1 tomorrow and 10 next week.

TWELVE.
TWELVE?!
oh shit.
TWELVE.

Everything at home, minus a car accident resulting in no injuries other than to my car, is fine. Being here still sucks for the most part. I am having fun, I do laugh at times, I have made some really awesome friends, but I also cry more than ever too. Just the thought of missing out on W losing a tooth, J scoring a goal, missing my talks with B and my cuddling with E... I tear up. Sometimes I can't even talk about them to other people for fear of losing it. I'm not nearly as outgoing, or open, here as the 'real' me, that's for sure.

I miss my kids.
I miss my Garth.
I miss my old life.
But I truly love what I'm doing
and why.

There is a purpose,
this is a means to an end
... or rather a beginning.

I pray it is all worth it
and we all come out better
because of it.

Monday Monday

Mother's Day was great.
Felt awesome to be home, to work at a place I love,
sleep in my own bed and be surrounded by those who
make all of this worthwhile.

Back to the grind.
Bring on week 10.

week 9.

I'm almost done with week 9 of school.

Even if my emotions were 100% here, the course load is incredible and HARD. Talk about weeding out those who can't cut it. Woah. We've only lost 3 people so far but I have a feeling our class will not be graduating as whole as it is now. I knew there was a lot more to this profession than the average person realizes but even I, having gone into this with my eyes wide open, am surprised by the sheer volume of information we have to learn, retain and put to use.

If (WHEN) I come out on the other side, you better realize I won't be the same person I went in. I'll be dang smarterz!

uropygium.

am i really so different from other people

what is it about me
that makes me feel so different
so very, very different
from everyone around me

all the time
lately
i feel reminded
i don't fit in here

why is it i'm constantly bombarded
with the very strong feelings
i'm damned if i do
damned if i don't

if i open my mouth
i get criticized
too arrogant
too proud
(too fat even!)
to my face
behind my back
i always hear something

i am not arrogant
i am proud
finally
my ass size
is simply
none of your business

my entire life
its always been there
the whispers
"you don't fit in here"
is all i ever heard
despite the words they chose
that day

if i keep my mouth closed
i'm accused of a bad mood
hiding something
being fake

i'm not fake
i just cant win
i'll never understand
something i'd never do

i feel damned
or rather dammed
closed up tight from feeling closed off

why do people tend to dislike me
women
at first glance
but love others
at that same glance

the natural look of my face
not arrogance
nor anything fake

it's a look of concentration
trying to bring focus
to the constant tornado in my head
barrages of thoughts plans ideas anxieties
worries
you'd know that if you knew me

more and more
each week lately
reaffirm my prior position
of being a recluse

i cry a lot
at the anxiety & worry
that i need to go back there
shut in
shut down

people who know me
adore me
people who don't
women
loathe me

after all these years
it gets so old
i should just get used to it
never

what i wish most
the oil of a duck's back.

laying my thoughts out.

I have 10 months left.
I will finish this journey.
Damn it, I'll do it with honors if it kills me.

This change is far harder than I ever imagined.
I am so exhausted all the time.
Stretched thin.
Very thin.

I miss my kids. tremendously.
I miss Garth. horrifically.

I'm blessed to be here.
But stressed too.
I will see this through.
With honors.
Damn it.

rounded out the week nicely.

Just when I think the deluge of school will absolutely envelope & overcome me, I end a week like this one.

Wednesday consisted of 6 hours of classes, an hour in the library in a group study session, an hour at home studying, 2 beers & some much needed laughter with a girlfriend, more studying, a long overdue phone call with Kami, more review, and then falling asleep face down in my school binder (from exhaustion, 2 beers do not lay me out!).

Thursday consisted of 4 hours of classes, a lunchtime study group cramming for our anatomy midterm that followed lunch, the midterm itself, followed by one last hour of class. Immediately following the end of the school day I began the 4.5 hour drive home. This time I got to share the ride with one of my favorite classmates -- laughter for 4.5 hours trumps solitude most of the time for me. Not all of the time, but most!

Two great ways to round out a really long & emotional week -

leaving school with:
Anatomy midterm = 98%

and coming home to:
my favorite five = awesome%

come now, really?

i really need to update this thing.

i really have no time.

i really take a lot of tests and quizzes.

i really could use a vacation;
drinks with umbrellas & warm sand between my toes.

i really could stand to re-lose 20 lbs.

i really miss my old life.

i really am excited about my future though.

i really need to get back to studying now.

is this really my life?!

Perhaps it's just part of the roller coaster of being a girl, or the stress of midterms, or the fact that I'm a full-time student part of the week, a wife & mom of 4 all of the week. I'm an employee, lately a crappy friend, a commuter, a sleep-deprived hormonal perfectionist wreck. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells some days... truly just one tantrum (mine!) away from a breakdown.

But I'm not depressed.
I still hold hope that doesn't come back.
Ever.

I received my 1st midterm back on Thursday. Microbiology.
I studied for this test. I knew this stuff.
I was handed back a scantron slip of paper.
It read 46%.

Typical grading scale means I failed that midterm. By my school's standards a 74% is actually failing. A 46% sent my skin paler than normal, which is pretty damn pale to begin with. There is no way on God's green earth I earned a 46% on that midterm. Was I insane? Did I study the wrong subject? Am I just losing it? Wait. There's got to be a Candid Camera around somewhere. This has to be a joke. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad joke.

The instructor instructed us to see her after class if we had questions regarding our exam. Questions?! She then lectured for a half hour -- to which I never heard a single syllable she uttered. I broke out in a cold sweat. I was figuring out how to tell my husband, my kids and my employer why I had to quit school. Sound dramatic? Yeah, I felt dramatic. Thankfully only my seat partner even knew anything was wrong, in addition to the instructor. She caught my eye & asked if I was ok. I shook my head no. I was definitely not ok.

I lined up at her office, about 6th or 7th in line. One by one students went in & talked to her. One by one students left her office, in tears. Some more hysterical than others. Our careers ride on these grades.

When it was my turn, I closed the door and said, "I told myself I wouldn't cry."

The floodgates opened. I wasn't hysterical but the tears simply wouldn't stop flowing. I've waited 20 years for this. I still pinch myself almost daily that I'm actually here. I study. I take this shit seriously. Probably too seriously says my stress levels. A 46% is simply not ok.

"I don't fail tests", was all I could muster.
For the record, I have failed tests. But this material?
I owned it.

She informed me she hadn't gone over the tests, had only inserted them in the scantron, recorded them and handed back the grades.

I handed her my scantron grade slip. She, too, was surprised by my grade. She asked me what test I had taken, 1 or 2. I replied 1. She thumbed through the stack of test 1's.

My scantron wasn't there.

Imagine the sigh of relief when we both realized my scantron was graded based on test 2's answer code. She was so very sorry, very humbled by the mistake. I was just so grateful the mistake was hers and not mine.

She rescanned my test and asked if a 94% would work better for me.

Indeed it will.
Indeed it will.
Indeed it will.

Received my 1st P-

My blog entries while I'm in school will probably all sing to a similar tune ~ how I'm pulling off this monstrosity of a challenge.

Despite my extreme anxiety over my anatomy class, I managed to pull off a 100% on the 1st part of the quiz and a P- on the 2nd half. The 2nd half has a pass/fail grading system. I laughed when people got P-'s on the another set of quizzes we had. A P-? Is that a sorta-pass? When you then receive a P- yourself, you discover it's really not so silly... you didn't fail, it's AWESOME! Ha!

Today I received another chemistry quiz back - 100%. I also took a restorative art quiz today. I'm pretty sure I aced it.

Tomorrow begins a round of midterms. MIDTERMS, already?! Yup, midterms. Microbiology tomorrow, Chemistry on Monday. Not sure what others are later next week, my brain can only think as far ahead as Monday.

I'm pushing forward feeling confident, yet overwhelmed, and sometimes those feelings alternate hourly.

riding the waves.

just by being a girl means you're sometimes riding up a wave & sometimes you're riding down. to those around us and even to ourselves, the knowledge of when that next big wave will hit is a mystery.

being a mom means you're sometimes (usually) riding someone else's wave plus your own or trying to steer multiple surf boards and waves all at once.

being a student means sometimes you're sometimes steady on the board and sometimes you wipe out flat on your ass.

so now, let's put my accounting skills to the test:
i'm all girl + mom of 4 + full time student = 1 tsumani surfin' chic.

i had an aha moment yesterday when i thought, "i really can do this!"

yet i woke up this morning trying to will my brain to stop worrying about what that teardrop shaped depression superior to my maxilla but inferior to my volmer was.

"i really can do this!", wasn't exactly where my head was.

what in the hell am i doing?!
i really dont know from one day to the next.
hell, one moment to the next sometimes.

but i do know its my filtrum - didn't even have to look it up.
::takes a bow::

passing the time... and my tests.

Last weeks tally of test scores:
Chemistry: 100%
Microbiology: 100%
Sociology: 100%
Funeral Directing: 100%
Anatomy: The graded test is still yet to be seen but this is the class that's going to be the bane of my existence in mortuary school.

Took an Embalming test today and already know I got one wrong. I completely knew the answer and marked the wrong one anyway. I spent all day mad at myself over it. Thankfully it's the only one question I think I got wrong overall.

I can't believe I'm finishing up my 1st month of school already.

bleary eyed.

Completely ACED my first 3 quizzes yesterday -- had one in each class... way to break us in gently! If I got less than 100 on each them I'll be shocked as all get out. Yay me!

I'm still not sleeping well. The days are beginning to blur together and everything feels like its moving in double time. Guess these older than average student bones will just have to keep pace.

I'm always up for a challenge.
Stand back you young whipper snappers.

wow...

12 classes per term is A LOT.

Other than the constant feeling that there's so much to do & not enough hours in the day to do it and having the drive back & forth each weekend suck so much, I LOVE IT HERE!

I still haven't done many fun extracurricular activities outside of school unless you count multiple trips to Target as fun. Hopefully tomorrow St Pats will change that. Not sure where a few of my classmates & I are going yet but it dang well better involve much laughter & a couple of beers (but not green beer - that's gross).

ERIN GO BRAGH!

I love this BUT...

I love where I am! I love what I'm doing!
I'm with 'my people'.
I found my niche in life,
I thought I knew it but now I know
this is what I'm meant to be doing (career-wise).

Unfortunately,
I can't sleep here.
I'm sooooo incredibly tired.
I just lay there. Brain on overload. Night after night.
Exhausted.

6 classes down, 6 more to go this week.
Then I can sleep at home, in my own bed, for a few days.
I miss my family. I miss sleep.
A lot.

::drumroll please::

Tonite
is a school night.

I actually slept last night. All night, for 10 hours. I needed it badly. I'm so glad I know now that I can sleep here, that it is possible.

Today I'm heading out to explore a little more. I finally pseudo-live near a Whole Foods store!! It's sad & pathetic to admit things like that excite me.

My brain is truly scattered as of late. It's so strange to be somewhere I'm supposed to be but continuously wonder if this was the right decision... am I a completely selfish, horrible mother & wife for doing this? (wait, please don't answer that.) If this wasn't the right time, when would have been? If I waited until our children are even older, I'll be too old to start a career (per me, some obviously will object to my theory) and we'll already be paying the college tuition of our oldest son (which frightens me greatly as its coming up sooner than I care to think about). My mom told me not to blink when he was born, it all goes so fast. Truer words were never spoken.

My dad told me the prime time to finish mortuary school would have been the traditional time, before having kids. Completely true, we both realize, but I don't get a do-over and that didn't happen. I had a baby instead. If only I'd listened to my mom and stayed away from those boys in college...

...see? SCATTERBRAINED!! This is the right decision and I need to see it through to the end, showing my kids that 1) finishing your education is imperative, not optional, and doing it before getting knocked up is ideal 2) nothing great comes without sacrifice, and 3) never, ever, ever give up on your dreams no matter what obstacles you, or life, puts in your path.

Never, never, never give up. ~ Winston Churchill

Scattering on...

What will my 1st day of school outfit be? It sets the tone & 1st impression, ya know. I joked with Garth & at work that I'm going to show up goth.

Newsflash: I'm NOT showing up goth.

I am, however, showing up as me.
And that, my friends,
is awesome enough.

buck up, camper.

I haven't slept well the 2 nights I've been here. I can't sleep. I'm not really eating much either. Just not hungry.

I'm really feeling out of sorts.

I'm not sad, not depressed... nothing of that sort.
I just don't know what I feel.
This all feels so
so
weird.

I have my gym clothes on and am going to go work up a sweat. Maybe that will help.

a new beginning.

I've arrived. I've schlepped all my belongings up to my compartment (compact + apartment = compartment). I've unpacked.

I've registered for classes. I've now filled out a million forms, signed my life away, paid an exorbitant amount of money for this venture in tuition, rent, school supplies... it feels like its never going to end.

I went the wrong way on the drive to school this morning. I knew almost immediately that I was turned around but decided I had the time, I'd just see where this road took me. Happily I found an Old Navy, Kohls, Sams, JoAnn Fabrics.... so happy that I just had to give Old Navy a minute of my time.

After registration I went to Target for odds & ends. Got back to my compartment, read over my schedule & realized there's some things I left at home ...but they'll just have to wait a week.

After Target, I turned the wrong direction and ventured quite a ways wondering where the hell I was. I knew eventually I'd find my way home and I did. The one thing I have yet to see in all my driving today is a freakin' grocery store. I have food but I need some refrigerated things that I didn't bring with me. Tomorrow I'll head out again to find one and hopefully once again find my way back here. I'm going to hit my new gym too.

So far so good. I have about 15 books for my 12 classes.... that's 12 classes this TERM. Sweet mother. My poor backpack. My poor back.

I can't think of Garth or the kids without choking up. Two administrators asked about them at registration. My voice cracked both times. It'll get better {I hope}. I miss you guys madly and will see you soon.

But for now I'll take advantage of the silence... by taking a nap.

wheeeeee!!!

one.

= and then there was one.

No turning back now, I'm finally packed.

two.

= today it's time to tidily toss

my tops & trousers into a tote.

three.

= terrifically terrified
to be transported to training
& turning in tuition.
No time to be timid or tardy!

Apparently my clothes aren't going to pack themselves.
Maybe tomorrow.

four.

= feeling freakishly fantastic

finally fulfilling, not fantasizing,

this far-flung flight of fancy!

No Mom, I still haven't packed.
At this rate, I'm showing up for the 1st day of school naked.

five.

= feeling a flurry of frantic, fidgety frenzy.

Damn, I really should consider packing.
Doing so would be admitting I'm actually leaving.

Eeesh.

six.

= scholastic success,
i'm seriously stalling.

I really should start to pack.

and then there were seven.

= skittishly scared shitless.

Guess I should at least start to pack.

edgy.

= extremely emotional.

nelly.

= NERVOUS.

so much still to do...

days!!!

now...

days!!!

eager beaver.

days!!!
('til I leave for mortuary school)

excitement & anxiety abound.

that damn shoe.

PREFACE:
I'm not terribly superstitious. My Grandma Fern was though. She put lots & lots of crazy thoughts in my head that aren't easily erased.


Not the easiest thing to admit: I've carried around a lot of self-defeating behaviors in my lifetime. Thoroughly convinced happiness is something destined only for others, I've carried around my very own gray cloud on a balloon string for most of my life. A few years ago I set out to make some changes. I was determined to finally make my life something worth living.

2008 was the year I lost weight. 55 lbs. to be exact. I've gained some back but I'm ok with it. Not ok enough to keep it on my butt forever but ok enough not to continuously beat myself up over it either. I'm going to be a lifelong work in progress as far as my weight is concerned, of that I know for sure.

2009 was the year I thought I'd get my relationship life back on track. It didn't turn out exactly as I'd predicted and I am so very grateful for that. My relationship wasn't my problem. I was. What an eye-opener. I thank God daily for brutal eye-openers and for my Garfy. We can come through anything together I'm now convinced.

2010. Here we are. The year I finish school. Never thought I'd actually see it come to fruition but I sure talked a good talk throughout the years. Once I learned to truly believe in myself I realized I could either continue to be a good talker or finally become a walker. Down the path I go, walking. Nervous as heck, but walking nonetheless.

I am happy. I feel content.
In 36 years I've never had the ability to say those 6 words and actually, truly mean it. I find a sense of happiness and contentment in just being able to say those words. It's cylical.

My marriage is solid. My children are awesome. My family is intact. My sister & I are close. My parents are alive and (getting) well. The friendships I maintain are healthy. I love my job.

Hey Grandma Fern,
Though I still fear it sometimes, I'm finally not afraid of waiting for the other shoe to drop. (I only whispered that though - I wouldn't want anyone to actually hear me say it, for fear of jinxing myself).
Love,
Ris

sent out to the cosmos...

I looked online. I looked in the phone book. I asked around.
There were simply no kids yoga classes in our area to be found.

I put it on my blog ~ sent the idea through the internet straight out to the cosmos and boom. Within days a kids yoga class flyer appeared in the exact right child's backpack just a few days later.

The studio is 5 minutes from our home.
The classes started the following Saturday.
A phone call was placed, his spot reserved.

He was nervous. He wanted Jack to sign up with him. No buddy, this is for you. You'll do great. And he did. And will, for the next 7 weeks and possibly beyond.

A happy Wilson = A happy Mama.
Love you, ya spaz. :)

Thank you God...

for answered prayers.
for my family.
for great doctors.
for amazing, warm hospital staff.
for Your hand in all of this.
for my dad's continued recovery.

I feel extremely blessed.
Even more so than usual.

Thank you God. You are so good.
So very, very good.
I held trust in You
& I always will.

life, as it smacks you square in the jaw.

Dad, don't die.
Dad, don't die.
Dad, don't die.
I love you.

I repeated these words on auto-pilot the entire drive to the hospital.

Please don't die.
I need you here.
I love you.

Yesterday my dad had a heart attack. He's headed into surgery this morning.

Dad, please don't die.
When Grandma died my life was forever altered.
I don't know what I'd do without you too.
I love you, Dad.

Please take better care of yourself.
Please eat better.
Please start walking more.
I know it hurts your legs and back but please try.
For us.
For you.

I'm not ready, Dad, please don't die.
I love you.

maternal bonding, guilt and me.

Temple Grandin, a new HBO movie. If you have access to HBO, please watch it one of the majillion times it will be on this month. You won't regret it.

Temple Grandin. <-- click the link to read more about her & this fabulous movie.

Temple Grandin is based on a real story of a woman with autism and all that she deals with, is put through, overcomes and achieves. She truly is amazing.

Side note: some characters/people need to be bitch slapped. I feel the incredible urge to declare that on her behalf.

Diagnosed with autism at age 3, also known as infantile schizophrenia at the time (1950), Temple's mother was told it was due to a lack of maternal bonding. It was her fault. Garth and I both physically dropped our jaws during that scene. How asinine and cruel. It's no wonder that's about that same time period when women started popping presciption pills like candy.

The movie was eye-opening and really made me think. I'm inspired by people like Temple Grandin.

-----------------------------

Since seeing Temple Grandin I've felt further heightened anxiety. I'm leaving for school in three weeks. While I know I won't come home and find my own 3 year old autistic, I feel this new sense of, "will she be mad at me? will it ever be the same? am i ruining this fantastically close bond i have with my daughter?"

A mother's guilt runs deep. It's who we are. It's what we do. Guilt. It's what we feel.

I know I'm not leaving. I'll see her almost as many days per month as I won't for the next year. The time really will go by quickly. The boys understand. She says she does but I know she doesn't. She can't.

This morning she climbed into my lap and covered my face in kisses. "You my best fwend! I just love you soooo much!" as she squeezed my cheeks together. I never want that bond between us to change.

I'm agonizing over it being my fault if it does.

My Prettiest Princess.

Evie's 1st birthday party invitation, where our boys weren't also invited, arrived. She hasn't stop talking about it since the invitation was delivered 2 weeks ago. Her first 'big girl' party.

Note of caution: If I receive an invitation that instructs Evie to dress as a princess, my wheels spin. Wildly.

New dress. check.
New tights. check.
Shoes? whew, they still fit. check.
Hair bow that matches the dress since tiaras seem to hurt The Princesses head and make her whine in a very unprincess-like manner? check.


Speaking of bows and tiaras.... hair. HAIR?!
I guess 3 is about the right age for a girl to get her 1st hair piece.
In our family it is.


Make-up.
Princesses wear make-up, right?
But no little-girl-turned-hooker beauty pageant look here.
That's gross and wrong.
I suppose a little make-up will do.


Per usual fashion, we may have overdid it all a bit.
Per usual, I don't care.
Nothing is 'overdid' when it comes to being girly.
Evie had so very, very much fun.
So did the birthday girl & all of the other little girls.
And Evie's Mommy too.
The princess birthday party was a huge success.


For 2 hours yesterday Evie really thought she was a princess.
Actually, she thinks she's a princess everyday.
There really is no past tense about it.

(Cinderella did great but I really could have rocked that party...)

we better tap into this.

Our Wilson is kind of a spaz. He just is, there's no other way to say it really. He has the personality of a rambling non-stop comedian, sometimes even with a British accent, but is also one who can be naughty, naughty, naughty and frighteningly impulsive. He's not an angry kid who's mean to others, he just wants to make people laugh... but often at inappropriate times.

We put Wilson in sports because that's what you do with kids his age. We want him to burn off some of his excessive energy and have fun doing it, but he's never really enjoyed any sport we've involved him in. He prefers to take drawing classes, painting classes, pottery classes instead. He really wants to take a yoga class too. Where he came up with the idea is beyond me but I'm all for it. Unfortunately, I've yet to find a kids yoga class locally but I'm constantly on the hunt! You want yoga, my boy, I will find you yoga.

I accompanied Wilson's class on a field trip today to an art museum. He knew there was no running, no yelling, no touching rules in place. I thought this would definitely prove a challenge.

I saw a different Wilson today.

Let's let the pictures speak for themselves:

He barely spoke the hour & a half we were there. He voluntarily had his hands in his pockets the entire time, almost instinctively reminding himself he's prone to reaching out and touching things, and this time he really shouldn't. Staring intently at the artwork, often cocking his head to the side, taking it all in as the docent spoke. Never once did he even remotely goof off with his friends. He even quietly asked a little boy to back up when he got too close, almost touching a sculpture. I truly saw a calm, engaged, completely tuned in side of this child I've yet to ever see before. ever.

On the bus ride back to school I told him how very proud I was of him and his behavior. I gushed over how respectful he was to the artwork and to the docent. He smiled sheepishly and asked if we could please go back sometime soon so he can look at each piece, without having to rush or be interrupted by other kids talking. Woah.

I'm on it.

s-l-ooooo-w.

work has been slow.
packing for school, slow.

going to the gym,
a few days a week.
laundering,
often.

trying to keep the house 2 steps ahead of being an episode of 'hoarders'.

i have been shopping.
for me. for the kids. for school.
planning ahead.

i've been to the doctor, the dentist & optometrist.
my required immunizations are up-to-date.
my teeth remain cavity-free & once again sparkle.
getting new contacts for these aging eyeballs.
i'm ready to roll.

it's been blah slow around here.
i'm not complaining really.
but its the 'quiet before the storm' feeling.
it makes me restless and uneasy.

5 more weeks 'til school...
january sure is a slow month.

Ohhhh yeahhhh.

I observed my 1st autopsy today.

I've been waiting months to have the Dr. come in when I wasn't already there working. Not only did I get to watch the entire procedure, having each step explained in great detail to me, but a call came in during the process that another body would be delivered shortly.

I observed my 2nd autopsy today.

I was in awe, mesmerized by the reality of all that I was experiencing. I never once felt queasy or questioned what I was doing there, or why. I was meant to be there. I felt totally at ease.

But...
The smell.

Oh, the smell. A truly indescribable smell. An I-need-to-be-anywhere-but-here smell. If I wasn't so completely captivated & engaged in what I was doing and witnessing, I'd have run from the room. I've yet to ever, in my life, smell anything that bad. Some of our embalming fluids smell bad but they have nothing, and I mean nothing, on the smell of the opened gut of a deceased person.

Today was awesomely cool.
But it stunk.
Badly.