there are no words.

it's the final countdown.

8 exams down, 6 to go.

so far accomplished:

finished up embalming lab, restorative art lab, anatomy lab.
took funeral history, communications, restorative art (lecture), pathology (lecture), microbiology, anatomy (lecture) final exams.

today:
embalming (lecture) & accounting exams

tomorrow:
psychology & law exams

friday:
chemistry & funeral directing exams

HOME.

swinger.

Today I feel a little optimistic.

If I scroll my blog I see a theme.

Mood swings.

Like a pendulum
my moods swing
sometimes wildly
sometimes just a sway
but always swinging.


6 more days til I go home.
In 10 days I take my national board exam.

In 11 days I will sleep.
Perhaps right through days 12, 13 & 14.
and maybe 15 too.
-------------------------------------

Final Restorative Art project = 96%

f.o.c.u.s.

I woke up 2 hours ago knowing I have a really long 8 days of hardcore studying ahead of me for my final 10 finals. It stresses me. It frightens me. It angers me.

Angry?

Angry.

I've felt pressure to graduate first in my class from the moment I applied to this damn school. I've thought obsessed over it every single day for an entire year.

Last week, the classmate I think is going to earn it actually said the words, "hang up the idea, i got this" and it's probably true. I smiled, laughed it off and then the festering began to grow feverishly, faster, deeper than ever before. It's become far too much a part of me. I'm not envious, I'm honest-to-goodness proud of my fellow top classmates. I know what it took to be on top... well, I wish I knew. Apparently I didn't work hard enough to get there. I've nearly fucking killed myself studying but it just wasn't enough.

I asked an administrator last week point blank where I stand academically. She said she knew I was in the top 4 but couldn't remember if I was 3rd or 4th. I know who is #1 and #2.

The top 4 of us?
2 are young, single people. Priorities in life consist of themselves.
1 is married with a young child but lives with her family, goes home to them each day and tucks her baby in each night.
and then there's me.

Do I think I've *earned* this more than the other people above me because I'm a mom of 4, living 2 states away from them each week? no way. Do I think I live a different life than them, one perhaps a little more complicated, insane and full of guilt for juggling 2 distinctly different lives like I do? I'm no more deserving but for fucks sake, I should be able to feel proud of myself. Yet, in all truthfulness and honesty, I don't. The tape plays over and over in my head about losing the race. Did I get to the end? yes. Did I win? nope. The race is just over and I get to go home now. That about sums up my feelings.

I really want this madness stupidity to end.

The pressure and shame, yes shame, of not finishing first is unbearable. I should never have to feel this way.

In a truly big, passionate way this feeling of pressure, shame and obsession has overshadowed, and come quite close to ruining, my entire mortuary school experience. This mental pressure will be unfortunately a huge part of my memories of my time here.

I'm going into my finals with a 98.4% GPA.
Here goes nothing.
There is nothing more I can do.


If you're not first, you lose.
I hate those fucking words.

slow 'n steady wins the race.

Tomorrow is my last day of lectures.
Next week is just straight finals.
10 of 'em.

I.MADE.IT.

drumroll..getting..louder..&..faster..

Finals start tomorrow!!!

2 this week, 10 next week.

My national board exam has been scheduled.

This is really happening!!!

2-0

Twenty days from today I move home for good.

Set a goal.
Obtained it.
Journey almost complete.
Un-frickin'-believable.

I was the first in my class to pass the practice board exam, written by our school, a graduation requirement. People are pretty stressed about that test. The school writes it harder than the actual national board exam so passing it is purposefully difficult in over-preparation for the real deal.

I did it first.
You read that right.
FIRST.
Shazam!

After graduation I need to find a job to complete my apprenticeship, which in our field is a paid position. The funeral home I've worked for nearly two years says its not in the budget. :sigh: I'm going to take a few months off regardless to just be "mom" again for a bit so I've got a few minutes until I have to worry about resumes, interviews, fear of rejection, stress.

My weight.
Ugh.
My weight.

While the scale says some days I've gained no weight and at a max, a 5 lb weight gain over the course of this past year, I'm fat again. Myself in the mirror, woah. I'm out of shape. I feel like a pud. I hate the way I look in clothes. I try not to look at myself out of clothes. I wish I was able to feel better about my physical self at graduation but alas, it ain't gonna happen. I'm going to have to rely solely on my mental satisfaction to shine through that dress at graduation, hopefully shining right through all that adipose tissue (AKA fat) on my arms & thighs in pictures.

Nothing I can do about it at the moment.
So for now... we celebrate.

Survival 101: Snowcessities

Currently we're in a "state of emergency".

I can actually hear sirens and wait, what was that? A bomb shelter/warning alert I hear going off in the distance as I type this? Seriously, I just did! This is some crazy shit. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, there's a hella snowstorm going on out there!

I'm at school, away from my family (who are safe, thank goodness) and hunkered down with essential survivalist supplies: cold beer & great friends. Now where should one hang out during the great Snowcapalypse of '11? Don't think too hard, don't make it harder on yourself than it has to be. Ahhh, there you go, you guessed it. The local funeral home. Great news folks, we're all gonna die!!! I'm a planner ~ can't say *I* wasn't prepared.

As we watched the snow fall in bucketfuls last night, we strolled through the casket selection room and I picked out the casket I wanted. Eli pointed out the urn he wanted if he had to be cremated, though that's not the method of disposition he wants, but just in case. You know, because the Snowtorious B.I.G. is definitely upon us and this thing is gonna be epic (per the news advising the old, the young, the healthy, the feeble and even the animals to stay inside & off the roads -- silly news anchor, animals can't drive!).

The news had THE GREAT BLIZZARD OF '11 flashing across the tv screen all day & night. It was kind of funny, a little bit scary, a lot of crazy and well, I'm in the right place should it all go down badly... in the meantime, pass me another beer while we wait this historical moment out, wudya?