Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
you want what?!?!?!
I could be completely off my rocker but I swear I remember paying like $79/credit hour when I paid for community college. That was 15 years ago but c'mon, its not *that* long ago is it?
Thinking back, I have no idea what I paid for my university credits. I just had a student loan, tuition got paid, I paid the loan back in my 20's, end of discussion. No thought was put into my education's actual cash value. Perhaps if it had I would have tried harder. Sorry Mom & Dad. Really I am.
Yesterday I got the paperwork to register for a state university that is not local to me but has an off-campus location that is.
A 3 credit class. That's all that stands between me & a Mortuary School application.
You want how much per credit hour? $325?
Did I see that right?
THREE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER CREDIT?
What?!?!!
$975 plus application & registration fees. Then books.
For one class?!
I must really be getting old. That price just blew my mind. I mean completely made my eyes bug out! I don't know how we'll ever put our 4 kids through college when each class costs $1000+.
Sweet Mother.
::off to sell my soul or start squeezing turnips or sumpin'::
Anybody need any plasma?!
Thinking back, I have no idea what I paid for my university credits. I just had a student loan, tuition got paid, I paid the loan back in my 20's, end of discussion. No thought was put into my education's actual cash value. Perhaps if it had I would have tried harder. Sorry Mom & Dad. Really I am.
Yesterday I got the paperwork to register for a state university that is not local to me but has an off-campus location that is.
A 3 credit class. That's all that stands between me & a Mortuary School application.
You want how much per credit hour? $325?
Did I see that right?
THREE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER CREDIT?
What?!?!!
$975 plus application & registration fees. Then books.
For one class?!
I must really be getting old. That price just blew my mind. I mean completely made my eyes bug out! I don't know how we'll ever put our 4 kids through college when each class costs $1000+.
Sweet Mother.
::off to sell my soul or start squeezing turnips or sumpin'::
Anybody need any plasma?!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
determined to win this war.
Battles. I'm not alone in having them. Sometimes it feels that way but I know I'm not. When I'm feeling utterly alone and then receive messages like this from my friend Barb, it reminds me.
"It will all be worth it. You have the support of those that matter, and the rest can just jump off a cliff - it's not about them."
We all need those reminders. I'm so grateful I have people in my life urging me toward goodness. I pray I'm that kind of person to others. Please forgive me if I haven't been lately the kind of friend I long & strive to be.
I digress --
In my life, I've battled some bad situations, bad choices, bad consequences -- some brought on by myself and others I have had to come to grips with that I couldn't have changed -- not if I'd been better, behaved better, wanted better. I was put here to live through them and learn from them.
I'm a work in progress and I've definitely carried a really big chip on my shoulder that has only continued to grow as the years have gone by. 2009 was the year I decided I would chisel away at that chip, one small fragment at a time.
It's slowly working but it sure isn't much fun. It's hard work mentally but I know the payoff will be huge. I'm banking on it.
A big chip: my ex-husband. I thought that entire mess was in the past, put on a shelf, a different lifetime ago. Oh how I've wished & pretended for years that was true. My reality? I've carried resentment, anger, guilt, disgust and bitterness toward & for that relationship. Carrying that many emotions is both physically & mentally exhausting.
Last month I ran into him. It doesn't happen often but when it does I usually turn on my heel,walking running away with no desire to face it, him, the past.
Without even thinking about it, I didn't turn away this time. I walked forward. A look of disbelief crossed his face, then a smile. We exchanged a few seconds of pleasantries and, again without forethought, I blurted out words I would later wonder where I found.
"I forgive you. I've walked around with a huge chip on my shoulder, hating you. I'm letting it go. My anger hurt me, not you. I want you to know I truly forgive you and I'm moving forward now."
Surprised even me.
Shocked the shit out of him and he thanked me. Later he emailed me, thanking me again. I'm sure those words were a relief to him but far beyond him, they provided ME with a gift. The gift of forgiveness.
Since that day I've felt an enormous sense of peace over a life experience that nearly destroyed me. I suppose I needed to say the words aloud, maybe not even to him. I am grateful I got the chance to say them directly to his face though.
Those words, those emotions, that forgiveness - empowered me.
And truly thrust me forward.
I will never look back. I don't need to.
I forgave him.
I forgave ME.
"It will all be worth it. You have the support of those that matter, and the rest can just jump off a cliff - it's not about them."
We all need those reminders. I'm so grateful I have people in my life urging me toward goodness. I pray I'm that kind of person to others. Please forgive me if I haven't been lately the kind of friend I long & strive to be.
I digress --
In my life, I've battled some bad situations, bad choices, bad consequences -- some brought on by myself and others I have had to come to grips with that I couldn't have changed -- not if I'd been better, behaved better, wanted better. I was put here to live through them and learn from them.
I'm a work in progress and I've definitely carried a really big chip on my shoulder that has only continued to grow as the years have gone by. 2009 was the year I decided I would chisel away at that chip, one small fragment at a time.
It's slowly working but it sure isn't much fun. It's hard work mentally but I know the payoff will be huge. I'm banking on it.
A big chip: my ex-husband. I thought that entire mess was in the past, put on a shelf, a different lifetime ago. Oh how I've wished & pretended for years that was true. My reality? I've carried resentment, anger, guilt, disgust and bitterness toward & for that relationship. Carrying that many emotions is both physically & mentally exhausting.
Last month I ran into him. It doesn't happen often but when it does I usually turn on my heel,
Without even thinking about it, I didn't turn away this time. I walked forward. A look of disbelief crossed his face, then a smile. We exchanged a few seconds of pleasantries and, again without forethought, I blurted out words I would later wonder where I found.
"I forgive you. I've walked around with a huge chip on my shoulder, hating you. I'm letting it go. My anger hurt me, not you. I want you to know I truly forgive you and I'm moving forward now."
Surprised even me.
Shocked the shit out of him and he thanked me. Later he emailed me, thanking me again. I'm sure those words were a relief to him but far beyond him, they provided ME with a gift. The gift of forgiveness.
Since that day I've felt an enormous sense of peace over a life experience that nearly destroyed me. I suppose I needed to say the words aloud, maybe not even to him. I am grateful I got the chance to say them directly to his face though.
Those words, those emotions, that forgiveness - empowered me.
And truly thrust me forward.
I will never look back. I don't need to.
I forgave him.
I forgave ME.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
stretching my wings, flying down a new path.
The past 2 months has been one of the worst 2 month spans of my life. I won't be saying on the flip side its also been one of the best... but in retrospect, I've done more soul-searching thinking in the past 2 months than I probably ever have in my entire adult life -- so not everything about it has been completely negative.
I've been actively & consciously gnawing away at the chip on my shoulder, the one that only I can fix.
There's yet again more changes going on in our family and in its dynamics. Garth & I thought we'd try one avenue to see where it took us and abruptly we both hit a detour, or rather a cement wall and we didn't like where that road was heading... we agreed Friday to change course once again. This path feels more positive, more honest and if its going to work, its going to be by taking this more respectful to ourselves & each other road. No doubt, its an uphill avenue. I'll take an uphill battle over a downward spiral any day.
To my praying friends & family, please pray for us. All 6 of us could all really use it right now and in the months to come (thanks).
In other updates: I've gotten a new job at a funeral home but haven't yet started. We are home from an 11 day trip to Myrtle Beach, SC where 23 of our friends & family all stayed in one huge beach house. I needed that vacation of nothingness & took quite a bit of time to myself to sleep, walk on the beach and think think think. B's lacrosse season is in full swing as is J's soccer season. Between practice & games, those 2 sports have us running in every direction almost every day of the week it seems.
School. The 2nd biggest curve in the road right now. I'm applying to Mortuary School, a 1 year accelerated program. The hitch? Its 4 hours away, in another state. What? How can a mother of 4 leave her babies and move to another state for a year? Well, not everyone can. I'm not 100% sold on my ability to do it but I know I have to. I'm not doing this to my kids, I'm doing this for my kids. The program runs 4 days a week M-TH and I will drive home most weekends TH-SU. Men travel for business all the time -- no one questions their parenting nor motive nor lack of concern for their children - they're just doing what they need to do. This is really what I need to do too.
I already realize & am semi-prepared for not having full support from everyone around me regarding this decision. I expect some backlash but it still doesn't mean it won't hurt. I do, however, have 100% backing from those I critically need it from to make this work -- that's going to have to prove enough I suppose. This is a positive thing, a step in the right direction of so many wonderful opportunities for me, my kids, our family, our future.
Now let's just see if I actually get accepted. Wish me luck if you feel so inclined (again thanks).
I've been actively & consciously gnawing away at the chip on my shoulder, the one that only I can fix.
There's yet again more changes going on in our family and in its dynamics. Garth & I thought we'd try one avenue to see where it took us and abruptly we both hit a detour, or rather a cement wall and we didn't like where that road was heading... we agreed Friday to change course once again. This path feels more positive, more honest and if its going to work, its going to be by taking this more respectful to ourselves & each other road. No doubt, its an uphill avenue. I'll take an uphill battle over a downward spiral any day.
To my praying friends & family, please pray for us. All 6 of us could all really use it right now and in the months to come (thanks).
In other updates: I've gotten a new job at a funeral home but haven't yet started. We are home from an 11 day trip to Myrtle Beach, SC where 23 of our friends & family all stayed in one huge beach house. I needed that vacation of nothingness & took quite a bit of time to myself to sleep, walk on the beach and think think think. B's lacrosse season is in full swing as is J's soccer season. Between practice & games, those 2 sports have us running in every direction almost every day of the week it seems.
School. The 2nd biggest curve in the road right now. I'm applying to Mortuary School, a 1 year accelerated program. The hitch? Its 4 hours away, in another state. What? How can a mother of 4 leave her babies and move to another state for a year? Well, not everyone can. I'm not 100% sold on my ability to do it but I know I have to. I'm not doing this to my kids, I'm doing this for my kids. The program runs 4 days a week M-TH and I will drive home most weekends TH-SU. Men travel for business all the time -- no one questions their parenting nor motive nor lack of concern for their children - they're just doing what they need to do. This is really what I need to do too.
I already realize & am semi-prepared for not having full support from everyone around me regarding this decision. I expect some backlash but it still doesn't mean it won't hurt. I do, however, have 100% backing from those I critically need it from to make this work -- that's going to have to prove enough I suppose. This is a positive thing, a step in the right direction of so many wonderful opportunities for me, my kids, our family, our future.
Now let's just see if I actually get accepted. Wish me luck if you feel so inclined (again thanks).
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
nothing really new to report...
...other than I did get the part time assistant position at a funeral home and I'll be starting school in June. I have a few different option angles as to how I'll handle finishing school, neither sound fun but are probably doable, though both challenging as hell. I guess getting a job & starting school are both pretty new things.
My friend Lisa asked me to explain why I'm choosing the particular career field that I am hoping to enter. There's not a lot to it other than I've always been fascinated by death. It goes hand-in-hand with my fascination over what happens to us after we die. I believe in God, His son Jesus and that I will go to heaven when this trial of a life is over... but even with that firm belief I am still perplexed as to what exactly that means or encompasses but I guess that's another story for another time.
Death absolutely doesn't scare me. It intrigues me. The entire *art* of preparing a body for burial/cremation completely fascinates me. Some crazy stuff goes on behind closed doors to get people presentable - and I can't wait to be a part of it!
Morbid? Maybe. We all have to be interested in something I suppose. At least I know this is a job market that is recession-proof. In good economic times and in bad, people will continue to die.
My friend Lisa asked me to explain why I'm choosing the particular career field that I am hoping to enter. There's not a lot to it other than I've always been fascinated by death. It goes hand-in-hand with my fascination over what happens to us after we die. I believe in God, His son Jesus and that I will go to heaven when this trial of a life is over... but even with that firm belief I am still perplexed as to what exactly that means or encompasses but I guess that's another story for another time.
Death absolutely doesn't scare me. It intrigues me. The entire *art* of preparing a body for burial/cremation completely fascinates me. Some crazy stuff goes on behind closed doors to get people presentable - and I can't wait to be a part of it!
Morbid? Maybe. We all have to be interested in something I suppose. At least I know this is a job market that is recession-proof. In good economic times and in bad, people will continue to die.
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