el número cincuenta.

Today marks blog entry #50. Give me a shout out and tell me I'm doing a good job and I should keep going. ;)

My ramblings of the day:

I've been cleaning/organizing/putting away Christmas gifts all morning. I don't even think someone could tell.

I've been doing laundry all morning. Haven't even put a dent in it.

I think there is something hormonally unfair about being a woman. I want another baby. No, I don't want another baby. My heart longs for another. My brain says, "what in the hell are you thinking, woman?" It's probably my saving grace that I got my tubal ligation after E's birth. I hope this longing for another BS goes away soon, its almost annoying (to myself AND Garth!). :)

My daughter is a pooping machine. It goes without saying that every time I get a load of her cloth diapers going in the wash, she poops. Today was no exception. Despite all the cheese she ate during Christmas festivities (the girl LOVES cheese), nothing stops her digestive tract from running at full steam ahead.

I am now officially 100% Paxil free, having taken it for 6+ years straight. Did you know that getting off Paxil has been compared to getting off meth? My brain did some crazy things during the past 6 weeks (detox, sweats, heart racing, nerve twitches, moments of feeling just out of control emotionally) and on Thanksgiving I actually cried real tears to my mom (a nurse) and wanted to know WHY they give methadone to drug addicts who are trying to "get clean" but to us who want off a legitimate & legal drug, they give nothing. It's not fair. I'm not 100% sure that my new med is the answer for my anxiety either so these past few weeks haven't been the easiest on me (or again, on Garth).

Just got paid, Friday night.
Sorry, for whatever reason, that Johnny Kemp song just popped in my head after I glanced over at my calendar.

My shower needs a real bleach scrub down. I noticed yesterday its bordering on gross.

I asked my SIL this question a few days ago when she was telling me about how things are going with her, "Are you ever in your car alone and get an overwhelming urge to just keep driving, with nowhere particular to go, but you just don't stop driving?" Thankfully before she could tell me I'm a complete nut job she answered (loudly) , "Oh my gosh, YES!!!"

Glad to know I'm not alone. Have you ever thought about doing that? Somehow my mind always goes to driving to Tennessee. I've never even been there, other than driving straight through it multiple times, but I always figured I could drive straight through to Tennessee before I had to stop to sleep or come back to my senses.

I've never really been a chocolate fan. Until I discovered that like 80% cacao dark chocolate by Ghirardelli. Now that is some good shit.

I have a lot of ugly clothes in my closet. I have too many "what the hell was I thinking" clothes and I hope they are all too big soon and I can pitch them all and start fresh. If you have never known anyone before who needed to go on TLC's What Not To Wear, you've finally met one. I so wish someone would nominate me for that show. I'm beginning to realize I'm a fashion disaster.

I need a new pair each of brown & black boots. The pairs I have are just about to be declared vintage. Tonia always has new, hip shoes & boots on. I envy her shoe collection... her ability to find (& afford!) such cute, stylish things & her ability to toss the old stuff.

I am currently experiencing a love/hate relationship with the elliptical machine at the gym.

I now hate wearing contacts. I've worn them for 20+ years and they used to not bother me at all but now my eyes seem to be rejecting them. They are super uncomfortable, even after switching to the uber-expensive daily disposables. I wish I wasn't such a chicken shit over getting lasik surgery. I'd rather have a boob job though.

Speaking of boobs, wow have mine ever disappeared since I began working out and eating better. My beloved 36DD Victoria's Secret bras are now officially witholding the secret from me. They once fit so beautifully and pushed my lovelies skyward. Now I could tuck E in and use the bra as both a floppy pancake holder & a baby sling simultaneously since there's plenty of room. (sigh).

My mom made E two gorgeous tutus for Christmas and embellished little tees to go with them plus a leotard to go with as well. I have in my head this gorgeous picture of E sitting backwards at our fireplace with just the tutu on and big bows in her hair for her 2nd birthday pic. Whats the chances she'll agree to that? I've got five months to worry about it, I suppose.

Ok, my ramblings are obviously all over the place today. Its time to go switch out the laundry loads and see if there is a dent yet made. Somehow I doubt it.

Good day! :)

The Land of Excess.

We managed to pull off another Christmas without a hitch. Whew, I'm sort of glad its finally over.

Not a whole lot to say today as I just got home from spending 110 minutes exercising at the gym with & without my trainer. I'm whooped.

Pics will have to do ~

The kids:

The tree:

Santa came in through the basement window:
My very much desired & beloved new laptop:

I can't believe I'm posting this skank picture of myself but hey, I LOVE this thing -

THANK YOU SANTA!!!

Christmas, Our Style.

They truly were singing Christmas carols around the tree -- I had to go grab the camera. They do know how to be good, play nicely together and get along, wow!

And to know us, is to love us... and our humor.

It's really the inside of a water bottle, we don't use street drugs in our family...I swear. It was, however, hilarious to Garth & I as soon as I took the pic. E was just standing there smiling with that straw in her hand, out of the shot, and in the time it took my digital camera to actually take the pic, this is what we got. :)

The Gift.

Wow, I haven't went 4 days without blogging since i started the dang thing. Let this just serve as an example of how crazily insane busy our family life is during the holiday season.

In a span of 24 hours, Garth & I had dinner with Nadia & Zach in from China, I went out for drinks with Tonia & Chad from Chicago & Tom from Vegas, and even hung out with Anisa & her family for a few hours. A handful of some of my favorite people all within one day. I am truly blessed to have awesome family & friends who love me - we all need those 'in yo face' reminders from time to time. Today we attended our church Christmas Eve service (there are 5 identical services in a span of 3 days to accomodate everyone & their crazy schedules) and tomorrow evening my immediate & extended family will all attend my dad's church for a candlelit Christmas Eve service as well. It is THE part of Christmas that makes all of the hustle & bustle each year worth it for me.

Also in a span of one weekend I found out that a good friend is expecting and an aquaintance/friends husband committed suicide. Yet another reminder of how precious life is, the wonderment of it all, and how nothing we have is a guarantee forever. If you read this, as a Christmas gift to yourself, please take the time to tell your loved ones you love them (even if you know they already know), this holiday season. Mend fences, give apologies freely, and know that life truly is a gift and a very temporary thing. I told my sister I loved her yesterday. Her knee-jerk reaction? "Shut up, you're lying". No Dee, I really do love you. I know you already know it but yesterday I felt moved to actually say the words out loud. It felt awesome to hear them back in return even though yes, I already know you love me too. :)

Happy Birthday to Jesus and a big shout out to the Lord for the most precious gifts He freely gives all of us the opportunity to receive; His one & only son, His love, His grace, His forgiveness, His mercy and the true gift of everlasting life, with Him in heaven. These gifts are truly priceless and the most amazing thing is there is no cost associated, no inflated shipping charges, no sales tax - all you have to do is ask, and boom He's there and He promises never to leave!! Not too many people come into our life with such an offer....hmmm, in fact NO ONE else will ever enter your life with such an amazing offer and live up to it. :)

May the Lord shine down on Nadia as she excitedly grows this beautiful 1st bebe in her womb and may He also rest his hands of comfort and guidance upon Francie's family as they face the devastation, tragedy and confusion of a lost father and husband.

Jesus IS is the REASON for the season. May God bless you abundantly and guide you toward a prosperous, peaceful and hopeful upcoming year. If you haven't before asked Jesus to come into your heart & life, surround you with His presence and all of his presents, and you'd like to, all you have to do is ask him in your own words to hear your prayer, forgive your sins, come into your heart, guide your life and be your redeemer. If you'd like me to lift you up in prayer, at any time, all you have to do is ask and I'd be happy to do so.



Merry Christmas to all, near & far, and a very Happy New Year.

oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!!!

SHRINK, BABY, SHRINK!!!!

I'm shrinking!!!

I will fight you food demons. I will win.

I am winning!!!

I needed to be down another pound today.

It'd been over a week since I'd lost a pound and my head needed it.

Today I was .2 lbs away from another TWO POUND loss!

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

:::insert old school cabbage patch dance here:::

So its technically only a 1 lb. and not a full 2 lbs, but its a 1 lb. of lard ass loss I'll gladly take!

Thank you new organic mind of thinking - thank you for keeping me responsible for every morsel that goes in my pie hole and every portion that I control.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

tuesday ramblings.

organic wheat grass juice ice cubes, organic extra virgin coconut oil, lemon flavored cod liver oil, organic flax oil, perrier mineral water....

my head. its spinning. but in a good way.

my personal trainer is helping me in so many ways. she's teaching me not only about all of the exercise equipment at the gym but she's made it her mission to help me shed this weight and get back into total shape. not like bodybuilder or becoming the next Miss Jazzercise or anything but back to where I used to be; fit, healthy & comfortable in my own skin.

she took my body fat measurements yesterday and i told her what i thought it would be and she laughed and said she knew it'd be lower. she later said she was surprised that it was even lower than she had thought it might be. she took the measurements by both an electronic scale and by calipers and hey, i'm not as bad off as i originally thought! LOL

we talk about food, supplements, the how's, the why's...she's a true cheerleader, urging me, motivating me, lifting me up when i feel like a lost cause. she believes in me. i can feel it. i like that feeling. :)

******************

J lost his first tooth yesterday!! Its been loose for weeks. When he got home from school yesterday it was literally hanging by a thread. I said, "do you want it out?" and he said, "yes but no. not if it will hurt". I said "oh come here", as I grabbed a tissue.

One firm yank and ping, I felt the release. J's eyes got wide and I said, "its out!". He laughed and couldn't believe it didn't hurt. Not even a little bit. He was so very proud!

The tooth fairy came last night and left him $1. He couldn't have been more excited to go to school today and show everyone his new hole.

Ahhhh, if only life were still this simple for us all. :)

kodak moments, if only in my head.

Yesterday we all went to our gym together. Garth took the kids to the pool while I did a quick 30-minute workout and then we switched up so he could do the same. Putting E in her bathing suit was a shocking reminder that she's no longer a baby, but in full on toddler mode. She looked so stankin' cute in that little one-piece with her fat belly and bow legs! She couldn't have been more happy to be going to the pool and the boys were all equally excited.

I'm always so impressed each time we take them swimming at the confidence gained from each subsequent water experience. B learned to swim at 4 and has been a fish ever since. W has zero, in fact negative, fear in most things in life and swimming just comes second nature to him. Throw him some goggles and bye bye, off he goes, fearless. J is observant. He busies himself taking it all in and having fun, but prefers to stay in water that is shorter than his neck. E has been in the water many times and fear is no friend to her. The kid is a W-clone. The only thing holding her back is the tubes in her ears because we have to try to keep her head above water for the most part because of them. Yesterday proved to me that getting ear plugs, or similar, will be worth the investment. Eighteen months old, she was actually swimming in the deep end, instinctively kicking her feet, fearless!!

W wanted me to pull him around the deep end while he held onto a noodle. He'd crafted himself a survivor-style raft out of about 8 noodles and wanted to see how it held up in deep water. With E on my hip, I pulled him in many, many circles around the deep end, much to his delight. It helped immensely that we were the only people in the pool - I know my kids loved that.

B wanted in on the action. The weight increased but I kept pulling, at one point jogging through the water from one end to the other. I urged J to join us in the deeper water and he did enjoy it for a few minutes before he'd had enough and asked to go back to the security of the other side of the rope. At one point, E refused to stay in my arms any longer. She wanted in on this discombobulated raft. Standing within arms reach, I put her on and wow, was she feeling like a big girl! The girl wants nothing to do with me - she wants to swim!!

Soon Daddy came back and we divided up kids, showered them & ourselves, got dressed and hit Wendy's for dinner (proudly Garth & I both made smart choices, even if we did probably eat too much) where everyone behaved, there was no running around, no warnings issued, food was eaten, etc.

Bedtime was not far off, and was a welcome to all of my happily exhausted children.

A good family day. :D

Scary smart.

You know how sometimes you encounter people who just have something about them that is intimidating, even if you can't quite put your finger on it as to what it is? My 2nd son who is 6 years old has that ability. He's slightly intimidating. Not in size - oh no, he's a scrawny 6 slim pants wearing kind of kid. He's smart. I mean, really smart. Like scary smart.

Yes, we joke in our household and call him the family nerd. Dude. He is. His brain is working overtime and the things he can compute, calculate, figure out, realize, rationalize...it's scary.

J read a book to all of us the other day at bedtime and I wasn't even listening to the story. I was just sitting there, mouth open, dumbstruck at how he didn't stumble over the words, they just flowed out of his mouth. Proper & perfect inflection in the appropriate places and all.

He knows the entire Napoleon Dynamite movie from start to finish. He recites the words, the dance moves, the gestures. His brain just flash freezes everything right in his head upon first sight of things sometimes. Crazy kid.

J has the ability to carry on adult conversations and annoyingly, often gets right in the middle of lots of them. He understands and comprehends far more than an average 6 year old should.

He excels at sports too. One wouldn't think someone who is so busy using their brain could also be so physically coordinated. Oh no, his brain is actually contemplating what his body will do next. Soccer isn't just soccer. Its geometry, acceleration, physics and a little competitive nature thrown in for good measure. The kid dominates on a soccer field.

About 3 years ago we were ready to have J tested for behavioral issues. ADD, ADHD, the gamut. He was a spaz, bouncing off walls, destructive, attention span of a gnat and I was actually really worried for what lie ahead for him. Preschool began and we started to notice a calmness slowly covering him like a gentle blanket. ahhhhh. Structured learning. J needed it and needed more.

About 2 years ago, J failed the vision screening test at preschool, despite passing the one the pediatrician had just given him a few months earlier at a physical. Upon further testing, it was discovered J has some pretty insane vision issues. Near sighted in one eye, far sighted in the other and different astigmatisms in each eye. The eye dr, while scratching his head, questioned aloud how J had gotten around the previous 4 years without literally bumping into walls. He said the new glasses would take some getting used to as they are pretty strong and that J would have to relearn how to write. Relearn? These glasses brought forth an explosion in J's head! I think connections were made that had never been there before, synapses' grew closer and J's behavior even improved dramatically. The now-clear world became his classroom and J's brain was ready to absorb it all.

My husband & I are both pretty intelligent people. I was a total nerd in school and my husband is nothing short of a brainiac himself with his mad engineering skillz. He & I will often look at each other, bug-eyed, at the latest thing to come from J's mouth. It's jaw dropping and often just shy of simply unbelievable the things that are being created & cultivated in this small, wiry boys head.

His teachers see it too. His teacher last year adored him. She told me often how exciting it was to watch him grasp a new concept and his love of learning was inspiring. His teacher this year commented how he will help others with their work. She said its so awesome to watch him be a peer/leader/teacher to the other children as he tries to help them figure out the problem/answer for themselves and does not just immediately give them the answer like many children typically would do.

My son has insane potential in this world to succeed. I must say it's a bit intimidating. It's kind of exciting too. :)

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.

I had some epiphanies while driving today during a snowstorm. You know, the exact time I should be soul searching... ;)

Reduce:
I realized today that no longer do I feel that I can lose 50 lbs but that, by dang, I am losing 50 lbs. No more "I can do it!", its now become, "I AM DOING IT!!" It brought tears to my eyes the level of commitment I feel, a level much higher than my brain has ever wrapped itself around before. This is it. It's actually happening. Yay me! :D

Reuse:
Chico bags, cloth diapers, cloth napkins, diva cups, less paper towels, using cloth kitchen linens, recycling, hand-me-down clothes, giving more, selling less, helping others, donating time, carpooling, clotheslines, gardening, buying locally (supporting "the little guy"), steering away from products that contain the word disposable in either their title, description or use, buying & driving more earth-responsible vehicles, earth-friendly cleaning supplies, eating less processed foods, purposefully using less water, energy & resources, teaching your children to live this way (!!!) -- these little things can add up to such empowerment to ones soul. If you haven't given any of the above any though, please try. The earth will not only love you for it but it does your heart & body good as well. I try really hard to live earth friendly and vow 2008 will only be better. It feels so good to give back. It feels so good to live responsibly. It feels so good to encircle yourself with others who feel and try to live the same way. We need more "feel goods" in this world.

Recycle:
In recent years, I've slowly realized I've become somewhat of a friend recycler. I truly don't know if that's a good or bad trait to harbor (I honestly secretly don't care, shhh). When something doesn't feel quite right, I hear or feel it and 9 times out of 10, I listen to my gut. The other 1 out of 10 times, I usually end up feeling like I wished I had. I shy/run away from friendships/people that just don't set right. It's not disagreements with others that make me feel this way - I'm a-ok not always agreeing with someone! It's not like "you do one thing that pisses me off & you're outta here!" type of thing at all. But you know that nagging feeling that someone is draining you, or truly doesn't appreciate you or the friendship feels so one-sided ... you know you've all known someone who gave you one of those feelings before! It's only through time, disappointment & personal experience that one learns that it's ok to have just a handful of solid & true friendships. True friendships are something to be cherished, not hoarded, and I simply don't have the time, energy or interest in collecting friends. Long term friendships are something you don't have to constantly question, analyze or ponder, you just know. Not everyone is going to like me (hard & true realization, isn't it?) but by that same token, it gives me permission to admit that I don't particularly like everyone either. I don't have to be friends with everyone I meet -- I'm allowed to selfishly pick & choose who encircles me (what an awesome gift to oneself!). Like a handy plastic water bottle, its ok to thank someone for the gift of temporary nourishment, then gently put them in the recycle bin so that someday someone else can enjoy them too...maybe in a slightly different or better (eeek, or worse?) form because knowing me changed them somehow. I can't save the world or everyone in it and its ok to sometimes give yourself permission & a gentle but firm reminder to stop trying. It's about quality, not quantity. Recycling is good for all.

We should all try to not only be earth friendly with the 3 R's but learn to be self-friendly too. If you don't love yourself, for the love of Pete, who will?! :P

All I want for Christmas.

Or could also be titled, "What I wish for in 2008" since it isn't actually going to happen before/for Christmas. ;)

Things I'd like:

1) a continued, yet even stronger, faith & walk with Jesus
2) to be healthy, fit & weigh less than 140 lbs.
3) to be mentally stronger & have more patience
4) to garden & make salsa and can lots this fall
5) to sell our house
6) to build our new one
7) to have a barn & garage attached to said new house
8) and an in-ground pool
9) and large fenced-in garden off to the side
10) and a circle driveway
11) with my beloved flag pole in the center of the driveway island.
12) to purchase my 2 pet goats, Diva & Chauncey
13) and to purchase their companions - the 5 yet unnamed hens
14) not meaning to be so far down the list but I got carried away with the house plans, continued health & happiness for my family
15) further growth, security & contentment in my marriage
16) more willpower to spend less
17) more willpower to eat less
18) a few massages, facials, pedicures & shopping excursions thrown in for good measure
19) continued & strengthened friendships
20) the ability to change the things i can & accept the things i cannot.

Good Day! :)

It's ok baby, mama's here.

I hear a baby crying in my head again. A few weeks after J was born 6+ years ago, I started hearing a baby crying in my head. It was so realistic that I'd, more than once, get out of bed to check on him, just to find him fast asleep. Back to bed, or whatever activity I was doing, and I'd clearly hear it again. Annoying as hell. But so very real all the same.

It happened after W was born too. I finally asked my doctor about it and he said its stress related. Ok but its still unnerving and annoying. I'm hearing voices....

I've heard this baby again & again throughout the past 6+ years but not all that often. Usually when I'm particularly stressed or super tired.

Last night I was awoken by either a very rapid succession of gunfire or fireworks at 1 am. The neighbors dog started barking and having grown up in a not-so-great neighborhood, I know what gunshots sound like. This didn't sound very firework'sy. Garth was away on a business trip and I'm thinking "round up the kids & hit the floor". Not the most relaxing of situations.

Of course that wakes up the (real) baby and I'm up with her for the next 2.5 hours. Ugh.

I finally get her back to sleep right next to me. I'll be damned if I didn't have to reach over and touch her and see with my own eyes that her eyes were closed and her mouth was not moving in any crying fashion but I clearly heard a baby crying. Loud and relentless.

I rolled over, groaned and thought, "GO TO SLEEP!" to both the stupid crying baby in my head and to myself.

I think I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. Life, the holidays, PMS, E not sleeping through the night anymore, feeling pulled in 1000 directions.... I need a break. A massage, a facial, a vacation, a something.

PLEASE go to sleep crying baby in my head, mama needs a break.

PSA for the day.

*** PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ***

there was a woman staring at me at the gym this morning.

here i was concentrating on getting down my yoga pose during my warm up, keeping my knees straight, my belly in, my butt & chest out and i could feel her eyes beating down on me.

like she stopped working out and was just sitting there staring at me.

no, it wasn't in my head.

we'd locked eyes when I was doing my lunges a few minutes earlier & here she was still watching me.

paranoia sets in.

am i doing this all wrong?

do i look like an idiot?

or wait..

i know.

she thinks i'm hot.

ok, its not that. i'm already a sweaty mess.

people shouldn't stare at other people at the gym.

it's not nice.

it makes others feel funny.

not funny ha ha funny.

paranoia creepy funny.

please don't do it.


*** PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ***

Anyone seen my ass?

I worked my ass off at the gym today. An hour & 40 minutes of it.

I, with the awesome help of my trainer, am using muscles my body has forgotten I had.

She said 6 months of working hard & eating right and I'll be in tip top college pom team form again.

Stand back.

:)

Oh sweet baby W, oh how I adore thee.

Happy 5th Birthday, sweet baby W.

Words can't match the joy you've brought into our lives.

Your laughter is contagious, your smile gets you out of trouble,

and those big blue almond-shaped eyes melt your mama's heart.

Happy 5th Birthday, my sweet angel -

I can only hope your special day is half as sweet as you.

self worth. come back to me.

last night, i had a light bulb moment.

i was honest-to-God struck at how "duhhhhhhhhh" it felt.

i stepped on the scale and had lost a pound over it.

my stress & burden & anxiety & hatred (yes, hatred) & sadness & blah blah blah that i've felt for almost 9 years weighed ONE POUND.

all these years I was so "victimized" by my SIL not liking me.
I was so so so SO very hurt by it.

i've always felt she never took the bother to get to know me and made a snap judgement immediatly after meeting me that she's carried all these years against me. and man, did it hurt. i'm honestly not used to that. i'm a freakin' likeable girl! ;)

suddenly last night, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

for the first time in almost 9 years, I spoke to my SIL. yeah yeah we'd exchange superficial nicities throughout the years but they were fake as shit. for my falling-apart-over-it MILs sake, not her own, she wanted to make peace.

gee ... umm ... thanks?

i did get in that she doesn't know me. if she's looking down on me for things i did in my early & mid 20's, shit *I* look down on myself for a lot of them. I'm in my mid-30's now!! I've evolved, grown, matured, LEARNED, lived life and since then, MADE MORE MISTAKES!! I asked her if she even knew what political party I campaign for. ;)

obviously finding it necessary, she said AGAIN yesterday she didn't like me and we'd never be friends.

dude. true or not, thats F&*king MEAN to say to another person.

she said yesterday that she honestly didn't care if she'd repeatedly hurt my feelings over the years and that she'd never apologize because she wasn't sorry she'd said them.

dude. true or not, thats F&*king MEAN to say to another person.

she fully blames the people who repeated them to me, not the mouth they originated from.

let's all take a moment, pause and then close your gaping mouths.

all these years, i was hurt and she was totally ok with my hurt, in fact, she was actually annoyed by it, felt no need to explain herself and though crushed by it, I played along.

WTF was i thinking?

my moment?

WHY THE HELL DO I CARE IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME?!

WHY THE HELL AM I SO HUNG UP ON HER NOT WANTING TO BE MY FRIEND?

SHE'S NOT SOMEONE *I* WANT TO BEFRIEND!


self-worth come back to me... its been awhile but i'm still here.


duh to me.

oh f&*king duh to me.

my attitude has changed.

i can make peace. I WANT TO MAKE PEACE. i can be civil.

not for MILs sake.

not for SILs sake.

not for my husbands sake.

FOR MY SAKE.

she didn't like the 2 women in Garth's life before me. it wouldn't have mattered what i came into her life offering, she was SEEKING & LOOKING for PERMISSION not to like me!!!!

duh Marissa. oh f&*king duh. @@

i'm slow to the punch line - its been almost 9 years and its just now hitting me.

i need some omega 3's for brain power i think.

At her first opportunity to dislike me, she grabbed it and ran.

IT'S NOT ME!!!

IT'S HER!!!

I called my mom, rehashed it all and asked her why all these years I've cared. She said its because I treat others as I'd like to be treated and not everyone subscribes to that thought unfortunately.

dude. i feel sorry for people who missed the boat on that one. what an ugly way to live.

She said she was not only proud of me for finally standing up for myself and not letting SIL knock me around anymore verbally or emotionally but get this:

she was proud of me for rolling with the punches.

she was proud of me for keeping my mouth shut all these years, knowing how hard it was to do so, but doing out of respect for my husband, his family and for myself.

she was proud of me. period.

having made some "stellar" life-changing choices in my early 20's, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to feeling proud of myself, or hearing that others are proud of me.

she is proud of the mother i've ALWAYS been.
she is proud of the person i am.
she is proud of the type of friend i am.
she is proud of the values i hold dear.
she is proud of how i treat other people.
my mother is proud of me.
period.

yes i know i'm rambling but i have to get it all out and be done with it so i can put it in a pretty box in my head and tie it up TIGHTLY with a bow and put it VERY HIGH up on a mental shelf....

the conversation with my SIL made me realize i dont WANT to be this woman's friend, i would have NEVER measured up to her and biggest & best of all, that thats not on ME, thats on HER.

I am almost laughing at my stupidity over being hurt that she didn't like me.

Fact be known, I DON'T LIKE HER! She sure as shit has never given me anything to work with either.

must get brain in proper working order.
(mentally putting that on my to-do list, right at the top)

GOD put me on the path of struggles so i could one day handle phone calls like yesterday and have the proper words to dish right back to my SIL without ever once raising my voice. Best of all God has given me the ability TO FORGIVE HER FOR HER TRANSGRESSIONS even if she's not sorry, and to mentally keep moving forward.

EVERYONE is put in your path for a reason -- perhaps SILs SOLE reason for being in my life is so I could painfully see first-hand how NOT to treat people. EVER. that is reason enough for me.

my mother is proud of me.
that means more to me than any of this novel typed above could ever express or any hurt SIL could EVER inflict upon me.

at the end of the conversation, SIL & I loosely made peace. that felt good. i'll never conquer the woman nor get through to her NOR be able to reach her up on that very high horse and you know what?

THAT'S OK!

I AM SO DONE WITH THAT CHAPTER OF MY LIFE & IT FEELS AWESOME!

Delusional bitch be damned, I've seen the light!!! :D

i'm sore. ouch.

I'm sore today. ouch.

I talked to my MIL on the phone yesterday for 2.5 hours. It quite possibly might be the longest conversation I've ever had with the woman. While she cried for a majority of it, it was also one of the best conversations we've ever had. She wasn't crying over me, by the way, in case you're wondering. whew!

Garth & I and the kids put up the Christmas tree last night. We got the tree up, the stockings up, some lights up and about 1/3 of the ornaments before we had to call it a night. The kids will finish decorating it tonite. It's going to be a real joy keeping E away from the ornaments this year - she's far worse than the cat!!

I've always said that I handle big changes & large stressors much better than I handle day to day stress. It couldn't be more true right now. I have a dozen or so little stresses going on in my head that seriously, are making day to day living difficult for me. My mind just races from little issue to little issue and because a lot of the things are beyond my control, all it seems I can do is worry about them, not fix them. ugh. A big thank you to my happy pills that have been making me sleep very well each night. I don't know where I'd be without them. Habit forming be damned.

My 3rd sons 5th birthday is this weekend. I cannot, simply cannot, believe W will be 5 years old. He has brought so much joy, humor, mischief, laughter and love into our family in such a relatively short amount of time. I cannot imagine life without him. Everyone says he's my favorite but its not true -- he just makes me laugh like no one else in my life has the ability to and laughter is so good for my soul. For that I'll forever be indebted to the little shit. :)

A day of few words.

I don't have a lot to say today. That's unusual.

I started with my trainer at the gym today. I wonder if she thinks my fat ass is a lost cause.

She discovered my hips are off from each other by about 3 inches and is pretty concerned about it.

She thinks the pain that has went mysteriously undiagnosed this fall by doctors, lab work, multiple MRIs, an EMG & a neurologist is actually something quite simple to fix. Funny she knew immediately what I was talking about and NONE of the above mentioned medical professionals had a clue what I was even referring to -- could have saved myself a few thousand dollars a few months back. nice.

I'm working hard. I'm so determined. I just wish it was a little bit easier mentally. The physical stuff I can do and will... the mental part is plain torture.

Off to down some lemon flavored cod liver oil. Yum! My trainer said she's quite sure with all the multiple, consecutive pregnancies my body is pretty depleted of omega 3's and I need to start consuming foods rich in omega 3's plus a teaspoon of cod liver oil each day. Oh joy. But hey, whatever helps.

She really did work my bum off today - as you can see in the pics:

On my drive to the gym:

After my 1st training session:

Wow, keep up the great work, Marissa!!! ;)

Pennies From Heaven.

This was not written by me but struck a cord in me so deep that today its my blog entry:

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.

The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?'

"Look at it", he said. "Read what it says."

She read the words 'United States of America''
"No, not that; read further.''

"One cent?"
"No, keep reading."

"'In God we Trust?"
"'Yes!"

"And?''
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!"

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, 'In God We Trust,' and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient.