el número cincuenta.

Today marks blog entry #50. Give me a shout out and tell me I'm doing a good job and I should keep going. ;)

My ramblings of the day:

I've been cleaning/organizing/putting away Christmas gifts all morning. I don't even think someone could tell.

I've been doing laundry all morning. Haven't even put a dent in it.

I think there is something hormonally unfair about being a woman. I want another baby. No, I don't want another baby. My heart longs for another. My brain says, "what in the hell are you thinking, woman?" It's probably my saving grace that I got my tubal ligation after E's birth. I hope this longing for another BS goes away soon, its almost annoying (to myself AND Garth!). :)

My daughter is a pooping machine. It goes without saying that every time I get a load of her cloth diapers going in the wash, she poops. Today was no exception. Despite all the cheese she ate during Christmas festivities (the girl LOVES cheese), nothing stops her digestive tract from running at full steam ahead.

I am now officially 100% Paxil free, having taken it for 6+ years straight. Did you know that getting off Paxil has been compared to getting off meth? My brain did some crazy things during the past 6 weeks (detox, sweats, heart racing, nerve twitches, moments of feeling just out of control emotionally) and on Thanksgiving I actually cried real tears to my mom (a nurse) and wanted to know WHY they give methadone to drug addicts who are trying to "get clean" but to us who want off a legitimate & legal drug, they give nothing. It's not fair. I'm not 100% sure that my new med is the answer for my anxiety either so these past few weeks haven't been the easiest on me (or again, on Garth).

Just got paid, Friday night.
Sorry, for whatever reason, that Johnny Kemp song just popped in my head after I glanced over at my calendar.

My shower needs a real bleach scrub down. I noticed yesterday its bordering on gross.

I asked my SIL this question a few days ago when she was telling me about how things are going with her, "Are you ever in your car alone and get an overwhelming urge to just keep driving, with nowhere particular to go, but you just don't stop driving?" Thankfully before she could tell me I'm a complete nut job she answered (loudly) , "Oh my gosh, YES!!!"

Glad to know I'm not alone. Have you ever thought about doing that? Somehow my mind always goes to driving to Tennessee. I've never even been there, other than driving straight through it multiple times, but I always figured I could drive straight through to Tennessee before I had to stop to sleep or come back to my senses.

I've never really been a chocolate fan. Until I discovered that like 80% cacao dark chocolate by Ghirardelli. Now that is some good shit.

I have a lot of ugly clothes in my closet. I have too many "what the hell was I thinking" clothes and I hope they are all too big soon and I can pitch them all and start fresh. If you have never known anyone before who needed to go on TLC's What Not To Wear, you've finally met one. I so wish someone would nominate me for that show. I'm beginning to realize I'm a fashion disaster.

I need a new pair each of brown & black boots. The pairs I have are just about to be declared vintage. Tonia always has new, hip shoes & boots on. I envy her shoe collection... her ability to find (& afford!) such cute, stylish things & her ability to toss the old stuff.

I am currently experiencing a love/hate relationship with the elliptical machine at the gym.

I now hate wearing contacts. I've worn them for 20+ years and they used to not bother me at all but now my eyes seem to be rejecting them. They are super uncomfortable, even after switching to the uber-expensive daily disposables. I wish I wasn't such a chicken shit over getting lasik surgery. I'd rather have a boob job though.

Speaking of boobs, wow have mine ever disappeared since I began working out and eating better. My beloved 36DD Victoria's Secret bras are now officially witholding the secret from me. They once fit so beautifully and pushed my lovelies skyward. Now I could tuck E in and use the bra as both a floppy pancake holder & a baby sling simultaneously since there's plenty of room. (sigh).

My mom made E two gorgeous tutus for Christmas and embellished little tees to go with them plus a leotard to go with as well. I have in my head this gorgeous picture of E sitting backwards at our fireplace with just the tutu on and big bows in her hair for her 2nd birthday pic. Whats the chances she'll agree to that? I've got five months to worry about it, I suppose.

Ok, my ramblings are obviously all over the place today. Its time to go switch out the laundry loads and see if there is a dent yet made. Somehow I doubt it.

Good day! :)

The Land of Excess.

We managed to pull off another Christmas without a hitch. Whew, I'm sort of glad its finally over.

Not a whole lot to say today as I just got home from spending 110 minutes exercising at the gym with & without my trainer. I'm whooped.

Pics will have to do ~

The kids:

The tree:

Santa came in through the basement window:
My very much desired & beloved new laptop:

I can't believe I'm posting this skank picture of myself but hey, I LOVE this thing -

THANK YOU SANTA!!!

Christmas, Our Style.

They truly were singing Christmas carols around the tree -- I had to go grab the camera. They do know how to be good, play nicely together and get along, wow!

And to know us, is to love us... and our humor.

It's really the inside of a water bottle, we don't use street drugs in our family...I swear. It was, however, hilarious to Garth & I as soon as I took the pic. E was just standing there smiling with that straw in her hand, out of the shot, and in the time it took my digital camera to actually take the pic, this is what we got. :)

The Gift.

Wow, I haven't went 4 days without blogging since i started the dang thing. Let this just serve as an example of how crazily insane busy our family life is during the holiday season.

In a span of 24 hours, Garth & I had dinner with Nadia & Zach in from China, I went out for drinks with Tonia & Chad from Chicago & Tom from Vegas, and even hung out with Anisa & her family for a few hours. A handful of some of my favorite people all within one day. I am truly blessed to have awesome family & friends who love me - we all need those 'in yo face' reminders from time to time. Today we attended our church Christmas Eve service (there are 5 identical services in a span of 3 days to accomodate everyone & their crazy schedules) and tomorrow evening my immediate & extended family will all attend my dad's church for a candlelit Christmas Eve service as well. It is THE part of Christmas that makes all of the hustle & bustle each year worth it for me.

Also in a span of one weekend I found out that a good friend is expecting and an aquaintance/friends husband committed suicide. Yet another reminder of how precious life is, the wonderment of it all, and how nothing we have is a guarantee forever. If you read this, as a Christmas gift to yourself, please take the time to tell your loved ones you love them (even if you know they already know), this holiday season. Mend fences, give apologies freely, and know that life truly is a gift and a very temporary thing. I told my sister I loved her yesterday. Her knee-jerk reaction? "Shut up, you're lying". No Dee, I really do love you. I know you already know it but yesterday I felt moved to actually say the words out loud. It felt awesome to hear them back in return even though yes, I already know you love me too. :)

Happy Birthday to Jesus and a big shout out to the Lord for the most precious gifts He freely gives all of us the opportunity to receive; His one & only son, His love, His grace, His forgiveness, His mercy and the true gift of everlasting life, with Him in heaven. These gifts are truly priceless and the most amazing thing is there is no cost associated, no inflated shipping charges, no sales tax - all you have to do is ask, and boom He's there and He promises never to leave!! Not too many people come into our life with such an offer....hmmm, in fact NO ONE else will ever enter your life with such an amazing offer and live up to it. :)

May the Lord shine down on Nadia as she excitedly grows this beautiful 1st bebe in her womb and may He also rest his hands of comfort and guidance upon Francie's family as they face the devastation, tragedy and confusion of a lost father and husband.

Jesus IS is the REASON for the season. May God bless you abundantly and guide you toward a prosperous, peaceful and hopeful upcoming year. If you haven't before asked Jesus to come into your heart & life, surround you with His presence and all of his presents, and you'd like to, all you have to do is ask him in your own words to hear your prayer, forgive your sins, come into your heart, guide your life and be your redeemer. If you'd like me to lift you up in prayer, at any time, all you have to do is ask and I'd be happy to do so.



Merry Christmas to all, near & far, and a very Happy New Year.

oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!!!

SHRINK, BABY, SHRINK!!!!

I'm shrinking!!!

I will fight you food demons. I will win.

I am winning!!!

I needed to be down another pound today.

It'd been over a week since I'd lost a pound and my head needed it.

Today I was .2 lbs away from another TWO POUND loss!

Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

:::insert old school cabbage patch dance here:::

So its technically only a 1 lb. and not a full 2 lbs, but its a 1 lb. of lard ass loss I'll gladly take!

Thank you new organic mind of thinking - thank you for keeping me responsible for every morsel that goes in my pie hole and every portion that I control.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

tuesday ramblings.

organic wheat grass juice ice cubes, organic extra virgin coconut oil, lemon flavored cod liver oil, organic flax oil, perrier mineral water....

my head. its spinning. but in a good way.

my personal trainer is helping me in so many ways. she's teaching me not only about all of the exercise equipment at the gym but she's made it her mission to help me shed this weight and get back into total shape. not like bodybuilder or becoming the next Miss Jazzercise or anything but back to where I used to be; fit, healthy & comfortable in my own skin.

she took my body fat measurements yesterday and i told her what i thought it would be and she laughed and said she knew it'd be lower. she later said she was surprised that it was even lower than she had thought it might be. she took the measurements by both an electronic scale and by calipers and hey, i'm not as bad off as i originally thought! LOL

we talk about food, supplements, the how's, the why's...she's a true cheerleader, urging me, motivating me, lifting me up when i feel like a lost cause. she believes in me. i can feel it. i like that feeling. :)

******************

J lost his first tooth yesterday!! Its been loose for weeks. When he got home from school yesterday it was literally hanging by a thread. I said, "do you want it out?" and he said, "yes but no. not if it will hurt". I said "oh come here", as I grabbed a tissue.

One firm yank and ping, I felt the release. J's eyes got wide and I said, "its out!". He laughed and couldn't believe it didn't hurt. Not even a little bit. He was so very proud!

The tooth fairy came last night and left him $1. He couldn't have been more excited to go to school today and show everyone his new hole.

Ahhhh, if only life were still this simple for us all. :)

kodak moments, if only in my head.

Yesterday we all went to our gym together. Garth took the kids to the pool while I did a quick 30-minute workout and then we switched up so he could do the same. Putting E in her bathing suit was a shocking reminder that she's no longer a baby, but in full on toddler mode. She looked so stankin' cute in that little one-piece with her fat belly and bow legs! She couldn't have been more happy to be going to the pool and the boys were all equally excited.

I'm always so impressed each time we take them swimming at the confidence gained from each subsequent water experience. B learned to swim at 4 and has been a fish ever since. W has zero, in fact negative, fear in most things in life and swimming just comes second nature to him. Throw him some goggles and bye bye, off he goes, fearless. J is observant. He busies himself taking it all in and having fun, but prefers to stay in water that is shorter than his neck. E has been in the water many times and fear is no friend to her. The kid is a W-clone. The only thing holding her back is the tubes in her ears because we have to try to keep her head above water for the most part because of them. Yesterday proved to me that getting ear plugs, or similar, will be worth the investment. Eighteen months old, she was actually swimming in the deep end, instinctively kicking her feet, fearless!!

W wanted me to pull him around the deep end while he held onto a noodle. He'd crafted himself a survivor-style raft out of about 8 noodles and wanted to see how it held up in deep water. With E on my hip, I pulled him in many, many circles around the deep end, much to his delight. It helped immensely that we were the only people in the pool - I know my kids loved that.

B wanted in on the action. The weight increased but I kept pulling, at one point jogging through the water from one end to the other. I urged J to join us in the deeper water and he did enjoy it for a few minutes before he'd had enough and asked to go back to the security of the other side of the rope. At one point, E refused to stay in my arms any longer. She wanted in on this discombobulated raft. Standing within arms reach, I put her on and wow, was she feeling like a big girl! The girl wants nothing to do with me - she wants to swim!!

Soon Daddy came back and we divided up kids, showered them & ourselves, got dressed and hit Wendy's for dinner (proudly Garth & I both made smart choices, even if we did probably eat too much) where everyone behaved, there was no running around, no warnings issued, food was eaten, etc.

Bedtime was not far off, and was a welcome to all of my happily exhausted children.

A good family day. :D

Scary smart.

You know how sometimes you encounter people who just have something about them that is intimidating, even if you can't quite put your finger on it as to what it is? My 2nd son who is 6 years old has that ability. He's slightly intimidating. Not in size - oh no, he's a scrawny 6 slim pants wearing kind of kid. He's smart. I mean, really smart. Like scary smart.

Yes, we joke in our household and call him the family nerd. Dude. He is. His brain is working overtime and the things he can compute, calculate, figure out, realize, rationalize...it's scary.

J read a book to all of us the other day at bedtime and I wasn't even listening to the story. I was just sitting there, mouth open, dumbstruck at how he didn't stumble over the words, they just flowed out of his mouth. Proper & perfect inflection in the appropriate places and all.

He knows the entire Napoleon Dynamite movie from start to finish. He recites the words, the dance moves, the gestures. His brain just flash freezes everything right in his head upon first sight of things sometimes. Crazy kid.

J has the ability to carry on adult conversations and annoyingly, often gets right in the middle of lots of them. He understands and comprehends far more than an average 6 year old should.

He excels at sports too. One wouldn't think someone who is so busy using their brain could also be so physically coordinated. Oh no, his brain is actually contemplating what his body will do next. Soccer isn't just soccer. Its geometry, acceleration, physics and a little competitive nature thrown in for good measure. The kid dominates on a soccer field.

About 3 years ago we were ready to have J tested for behavioral issues. ADD, ADHD, the gamut. He was a spaz, bouncing off walls, destructive, attention span of a gnat and I was actually really worried for what lie ahead for him. Preschool began and we started to notice a calmness slowly covering him like a gentle blanket. ahhhhh. Structured learning. J needed it and needed more.

About 2 years ago, J failed the vision screening test at preschool, despite passing the one the pediatrician had just given him a few months earlier at a physical. Upon further testing, it was discovered J has some pretty insane vision issues. Near sighted in one eye, far sighted in the other and different astigmatisms in each eye. The eye dr, while scratching his head, questioned aloud how J had gotten around the previous 4 years without literally bumping into walls. He said the new glasses would take some getting used to as they are pretty strong and that J would have to relearn how to write. Relearn? These glasses brought forth an explosion in J's head! I think connections were made that had never been there before, synapses' grew closer and J's behavior even improved dramatically. The now-clear world became his classroom and J's brain was ready to absorb it all.

My husband & I are both pretty intelligent people. I was a total nerd in school and my husband is nothing short of a brainiac himself with his mad engineering skillz. He & I will often look at each other, bug-eyed, at the latest thing to come from J's mouth. It's jaw dropping and often just shy of simply unbelievable the things that are being created & cultivated in this small, wiry boys head.

His teachers see it too. His teacher last year adored him. She told me often how exciting it was to watch him grasp a new concept and his love of learning was inspiring. His teacher this year commented how he will help others with their work. She said its so awesome to watch him be a peer/leader/teacher to the other children as he tries to help them figure out the problem/answer for themselves and does not just immediately give them the answer like many children typically would do.

My son has insane potential in this world to succeed. I must say it's a bit intimidating. It's kind of exciting too. :)

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.

I had some epiphanies while driving today during a snowstorm. You know, the exact time I should be soul searching... ;)

Reduce:
I realized today that no longer do I feel that I can lose 50 lbs but that, by dang, I am losing 50 lbs. No more "I can do it!", its now become, "I AM DOING IT!!" It brought tears to my eyes the level of commitment I feel, a level much higher than my brain has ever wrapped itself around before. This is it. It's actually happening. Yay me! :D

Reuse:
Chico bags, cloth diapers, cloth napkins, diva cups, less paper towels, using cloth kitchen linens, recycling, hand-me-down clothes, giving more, selling less, helping others, donating time, carpooling, clotheslines, gardening, buying locally (supporting "the little guy"), steering away from products that contain the word disposable in either their title, description or use, buying & driving more earth-responsible vehicles, earth-friendly cleaning supplies, eating less processed foods, purposefully using less water, energy & resources, teaching your children to live this way (!!!) -- these little things can add up to such empowerment to ones soul. If you haven't given any of the above any though, please try. The earth will not only love you for it but it does your heart & body good as well. I try really hard to live earth friendly and vow 2008 will only be better. It feels so good to give back. It feels so good to live responsibly. It feels so good to encircle yourself with others who feel and try to live the same way. We need more "feel goods" in this world.

Recycle:
In recent years, I've slowly realized I've become somewhat of a friend recycler. I truly don't know if that's a good or bad trait to harbor (I honestly secretly don't care, shhh). When something doesn't feel quite right, I hear or feel it and 9 times out of 10, I listen to my gut. The other 1 out of 10 times, I usually end up feeling like I wished I had. I shy/run away from friendships/people that just don't set right. It's not disagreements with others that make me feel this way - I'm a-ok not always agreeing with someone! It's not like "you do one thing that pisses me off & you're outta here!" type of thing at all. But you know that nagging feeling that someone is draining you, or truly doesn't appreciate you or the friendship feels so one-sided ... you know you've all known someone who gave you one of those feelings before! It's only through time, disappointment & personal experience that one learns that it's ok to have just a handful of solid & true friendships. True friendships are something to be cherished, not hoarded, and I simply don't have the time, energy or interest in collecting friends. Long term friendships are something you don't have to constantly question, analyze or ponder, you just know. Not everyone is going to like me (hard & true realization, isn't it?) but by that same token, it gives me permission to admit that I don't particularly like everyone either. I don't have to be friends with everyone I meet -- I'm allowed to selfishly pick & choose who encircles me (what an awesome gift to oneself!). Like a handy plastic water bottle, its ok to thank someone for the gift of temporary nourishment, then gently put them in the recycle bin so that someday someone else can enjoy them too...maybe in a slightly different or better (eeek, or worse?) form because knowing me changed them somehow. I can't save the world or everyone in it and its ok to sometimes give yourself permission & a gentle but firm reminder to stop trying. It's about quality, not quantity. Recycling is good for all.

We should all try to not only be earth friendly with the 3 R's but learn to be self-friendly too. If you don't love yourself, for the love of Pete, who will?! :P

All I want for Christmas.

Or could also be titled, "What I wish for in 2008" since it isn't actually going to happen before/for Christmas. ;)

Things I'd like:

1) a continued, yet even stronger, faith & walk with Jesus
2) to be healthy, fit & weigh less than 140 lbs.
3) to be mentally stronger & have more patience
4) to garden & make salsa and can lots this fall
5) to sell our house
6) to build our new one
7) to have a barn & garage attached to said new house
8) and an in-ground pool
9) and large fenced-in garden off to the side
10) and a circle driveway
11) with my beloved flag pole in the center of the driveway island.
12) to purchase my 2 pet goats, Diva & Chauncey
13) and to purchase their companions - the 5 yet unnamed hens
14) not meaning to be so far down the list but I got carried away with the house plans, continued health & happiness for my family
15) further growth, security & contentment in my marriage
16) more willpower to spend less
17) more willpower to eat less
18) a few massages, facials, pedicures & shopping excursions thrown in for good measure
19) continued & strengthened friendships
20) the ability to change the things i can & accept the things i cannot.

Good Day! :)

It's ok baby, mama's here.

I hear a baby crying in my head again. A few weeks after J was born 6+ years ago, I started hearing a baby crying in my head. It was so realistic that I'd, more than once, get out of bed to check on him, just to find him fast asleep. Back to bed, or whatever activity I was doing, and I'd clearly hear it again. Annoying as hell. But so very real all the same.

It happened after W was born too. I finally asked my doctor about it and he said its stress related. Ok but its still unnerving and annoying. I'm hearing voices....

I've heard this baby again & again throughout the past 6+ years but not all that often. Usually when I'm particularly stressed or super tired.

Last night I was awoken by either a very rapid succession of gunfire or fireworks at 1 am. The neighbors dog started barking and having grown up in a not-so-great neighborhood, I know what gunshots sound like. This didn't sound very firework'sy. Garth was away on a business trip and I'm thinking "round up the kids & hit the floor". Not the most relaxing of situations.

Of course that wakes up the (real) baby and I'm up with her for the next 2.5 hours. Ugh.

I finally get her back to sleep right next to me. I'll be damned if I didn't have to reach over and touch her and see with my own eyes that her eyes were closed and her mouth was not moving in any crying fashion but I clearly heard a baby crying. Loud and relentless.

I rolled over, groaned and thought, "GO TO SLEEP!" to both the stupid crying baby in my head and to myself.

I think I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. Life, the holidays, PMS, E not sleeping through the night anymore, feeling pulled in 1000 directions.... I need a break. A massage, a facial, a vacation, a something.

PLEASE go to sleep crying baby in my head, mama needs a break.

PSA for the day.

*** PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ***

there was a woman staring at me at the gym this morning.

here i was concentrating on getting down my yoga pose during my warm up, keeping my knees straight, my belly in, my butt & chest out and i could feel her eyes beating down on me.

like she stopped working out and was just sitting there staring at me.

no, it wasn't in my head.

we'd locked eyes when I was doing my lunges a few minutes earlier & here she was still watching me.

paranoia sets in.

am i doing this all wrong?

do i look like an idiot?

or wait..

i know.

she thinks i'm hot.

ok, its not that. i'm already a sweaty mess.

people shouldn't stare at other people at the gym.

it's not nice.

it makes others feel funny.

not funny ha ha funny.

paranoia creepy funny.

please don't do it.


*** PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ***

Anyone seen my ass?

I worked my ass off at the gym today. An hour & 40 minutes of it.

I, with the awesome help of my trainer, am using muscles my body has forgotten I had.

She said 6 months of working hard & eating right and I'll be in tip top college pom team form again.

Stand back.

:)

Oh sweet baby W, oh how I adore thee.

Happy 5th Birthday, sweet baby W.

Words can't match the joy you've brought into our lives.

Your laughter is contagious, your smile gets you out of trouble,

and those big blue almond-shaped eyes melt your mama's heart.

Happy 5th Birthday, my sweet angel -

I can only hope your special day is half as sweet as you.

self worth. come back to me.

last night, i had a light bulb moment.

i was honest-to-God struck at how "duhhhhhhhhh" it felt.

i stepped on the scale and had lost a pound over it.

my stress & burden & anxiety & hatred (yes, hatred) & sadness & blah blah blah that i've felt for almost 9 years weighed ONE POUND.

all these years I was so "victimized" by my SIL not liking me.
I was so so so SO very hurt by it.

i've always felt she never took the bother to get to know me and made a snap judgement immediatly after meeting me that she's carried all these years against me. and man, did it hurt. i'm honestly not used to that. i'm a freakin' likeable girl! ;)

suddenly last night, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

for the first time in almost 9 years, I spoke to my SIL. yeah yeah we'd exchange superficial nicities throughout the years but they were fake as shit. for my falling-apart-over-it MILs sake, not her own, she wanted to make peace.

gee ... umm ... thanks?

i did get in that she doesn't know me. if she's looking down on me for things i did in my early & mid 20's, shit *I* look down on myself for a lot of them. I'm in my mid-30's now!! I've evolved, grown, matured, LEARNED, lived life and since then, MADE MORE MISTAKES!! I asked her if she even knew what political party I campaign for. ;)

obviously finding it necessary, she said AGAIN yesterday she didn't like me and we'd never be friends.

dude. true or not, thats F&*king MEAN to say to another person.

she said yesterday that she honestly didn't care if she'd repeatedly hurt my feelings over the years and that she'd never apologize because she wasn't sorry she'd said them.

dude. true or not, thats F&*king MEAN to say to another person.

she fully blames the people who repeated them to me, not the mouth they originated from.

let's all take a moment, pause and then close your gaping mouths.

all these years, i was hurt and she was totally ok with my hurt, in fact, she was actually annoyed by it, felt no need to explain herself and though crushed by it, I played along.

WTF was i thinking?

my moment?

WHY THE HELL DO I CARE IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME?!

WHY THE HELL AM I SO HUNG UP ON HER NOT WANTING TO BE MY FRIEND?

SHE'S NOT SOMEONE *I* WANT TO BEFRIEND!


self-worth come back to me... its been awhile but i'm still here.


duh to me.

oh f&*king duh to me.

my attitude has changed.

i can make peace. I WANT TO MAKE PEACE. i can be civil.

not for MILs sake.

not for SILs sake.

not for my husbands sake.

FOR MY SAKE.

she didn't like the 2 women in Garth's life before me. it wouldn't have mattered what i came into her life offering, she was SEEKING & LOOKING for PERMISSION not to like me!!!!

duh Marissa. oh f&*king duh. @@

i'm slow to the punch line - its been almost 9 years and its just now hitting me.

i need some omega 3's for brain power i think.

At her first opportunity to dislike me, she grabbed it and ran.

IT'S NOT ME!!!

IT'S HER!!!

I called my mom, rehashed it all and asked her why all these years I've cared. She said its because I treat others as I'd like to be treated and not everyone subscribes to that thought unfortunately.

dude. i feel sorry for people who missed the boat on that one. what an ugly way to live.

She said she was not only proud of me for finally standing up for myself and not letting SIL knock me around anymore verbally or emotionally but get this:

she was proud of me for rolling with the punches.

she was proud of me for keeping my mouth shut all these years, knowing how hard it was to do so, but doing out of respect for my husband, his family and for myself.

she was proud of me. period.

having made some "stellar" life-changing choices in my early 20's, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to feeling proud of myself, or hearing that others are proud of me.

she is proud of the mother i've ALWAYS been.
she is proud of the person i am.
she is proud of the type of friend i am.
she is proud of the values i hold dear.
she is proud of how i treat other people.
my mother is proud of me.
period.

yes i know i'm rambling but i have to get it all out and be done with it so i can put it in a pretty box in my head and tie it up TIGHTLY with a bow and put it VERY HIGH up on a mental shelf....

the conversation with my SIL made me realize i dont WANT to be this woman's friend, i would have NEVER measured up to her and biggest & best of all, that thats not on ME, thats on HER.

I am almost laughing at my stupidity over being hurt that she didn't like me.

Fact be known, I DON'T LIKE HER! She sure as shit has never given me anything to work with either.

must get brain in proper working order.
(mentally putting that on my to-do list, right at the top)

GOD put me on the path of struggles so i could one day handle phone calls like yesterday and have the proper words to dish right back to my SIL without ever once raising my voice. Best of all God has given me the ability TO FORGIVE HER FOR HER TRANSGRESSIONS even if she's not sorry, and to mentally keep moving forward.

EVERYONE is put in your path for a reason -- perhaps SILs SOLE reason for being in my life is so I could painfully see first-hand how NOT to treat people. EVER. that is reason enough for me.

my mother is proud of me.
that means more to me than any of this novel typed above could ever express or any hurt SIL could EVER inflict upon me.

at the end of the conversation, SIL & I loosely made peace. that felt good. i'll never conquer the woman nor get through to her NOR be able to reach her up on that very high horse and you know what?

THAT'S OK!

I AM SO DONE WITH THAT CHAPTER OF MY LIFE & IT FEELS AWESOME!

Delusional bitch be damned, I've seen the light!!! :D

i'm sore. ouch.

I'm sore today. ouch.

I talked to my MIL on the phone yesterday for 2.5 hours. It quite possibly might be the longest conversation I've ever had with the woman. While she cried for a majority of it, it was also one of the best conversations we've ever had. She wasn't crying over me, by the way, in case you're wondering. whew!

Garth & I and the kids put up the Christmas tree last night. We got the tree up, the stockings up, some lights up and about 1/3 of the ornaments before we had to call it a night. The kids will finish decorating it tonite. It's going to be a real joy keeping E away from the ornaments this year - she's far worse than the cat!!

I've always said that I handle big changes & large stressors much better than I handle day to day stress. It couldn't be more true right now. I have a dozen or so little stresses going on in my head that seriously, are making day to day living difficult for me. My mind just races from little issue to little issue and because a lot of the things are beyond my control, all it seems I can do is worry about them, not fix them. ugh. A big thank you to my happy pills that have been making me sleep very well each night. I don't know where I'd be without them. Habit forming be damned.

My 3rd sons 5th birthday is this weekend. I cannot, simply cannot, believe W will be 5 years old. He has brought so much joy, humor, mischief, laughter and love into our family in such a relatively short amount of time. I cannot imagine life without him. Everyone says he's my favorite but its not true -- he just makes me laugh like no one else in my life has the ability to and laughter is so good for my soul. For that I'll forever be indebted to the little shit. :)

A day of few words.

I don't have a lot to say today. That's unusual.

I started with my trainer at the gym today. I wonder if she thinks my fat ass is a lost cause.

She discovered my hips are off from each other by about 3 inches and is pretty concerned about it.

She thinks the pain that has went mysteriously undiagnosed this fall by doctors, lab work, multiple MRIs, an EMG & a neurologist is actually something quite simple to fix. Funny she knew immediately what I was talking about and NONE of the above mentioned medical professionals had a clue what I was even referring to -- could have saved myself a few thousand dollars a few months back. nice.

I'm working hard. I'm so determined. I just wish it was a little bit easier mentally. The physical stuff I can do and will... the mental part is plain torture.

Off to down some lemon flavored cod liver oil. Yum! My trainer said she's quite sure with all the multiple, consecutive pregnancies my body is pretty depleted of omega 3's and I need to start consuming foods rich in omega 3's plus a teaspoon of cod liver oil each day. Oh joy. But hey, whatever helps.

She really did work my bum off today - as you can see in the pics:

On my drive to the gym:

After my 1st training session:

Wow, keep up the great work, Marissa!!! ;)

Pennies From Heaven.

This was not written by me but struck a cord in me so deep that today its my blog entry:

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.

The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?'

"Look at it", he said. "Read what it says."

She read the words 'United States of America''
"No, not that; read further.''

"One cent?"
"No, keep reading."

"'In God we Trust?"
"'Yes!"

"And?''
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!"

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, 'In God We Trust,' and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient.

It's Fashion Week.

I don't even know when Fashion Week really is, hell I don't even know what's IN fashion anymore. Unless running pants, fur-lined crocs & zip up sweatshirts are in since that's what my Monday - Friday fashion statement is these days. {sigh} I swear I do dress better on the weekends and/or when going out.

Fashion wise, I live vicariously through my daughter. It's pretty pathetic that her wardrobe outright dazzles in comparison to mine these days. Watch out skinny bitches, mama's on the war path to lose weight and when I do, you'd better stand back -- call me Marissa or call me MILF... I will happily answer to either. ;)

So its Fashion Week here at the commune. E has officially moved from one size to the next and I've been shedding her closet of anything size 12 months or smaller. 18 months is on the hightail outta here soon too for most things -- shirts are getting too short and the pants are too tight thanks to her ghetto cloth diapered booty. We are, for the most part, officially wearing size 24 months now. That means, HURRAY!, tags are coming off clothes she's never worn before. Old clothes out, new clothes in. Man this is fun. Sad, but true, but fun all the same. Oh how I get my kicks these days. A far cry from what got my kicks off in college, ain't that the truth.

Diva E says this season its all in the bleach spotted jeans,
hippy-chic shirts, your favorite pair of See Kai Run shoes,
carrying around mama's hairbrush & your Dora dollhouse kitchen chair.
Can't forget the rockin' pink plug: a mouth must-have accessory.
Girlfriends got mad stylin' skillz.

A pair of striped BabyLegs compliment any outfit.
As shown here with her new favorite pink cord dress.
Nothing says fun like throwing wooden fruits & veggies on the floor &
watching your mama scramble to pick them up again & again & again.

Oh, The Childrens Place, oh how I love thee.

Some curse you & say you're too sleaze,

dressing my girl from there

will surely make her a tease.

Your tank tops so cute

& the shrug fits just right

Matching skirt & some BabyLegs

make E look out of sight!

It takes a true fashionista to know what goes and what doesn't.
E helps pick out her hair bows each day.
She's pretty good at picking the right colors too!

Ahhhh, proof positive this is MY daughter.
Who needs genetics when its so obviously clear?!

Starting the day with happy thoughts!

So yesterday was a downer - an all around bad day. I'd like to turn my mood around and am determined to do it with happy thoughts. I sure can't do it by what the scale said this morning. Man I'm thankful I've been dieting, the scale surely reflected that. NOT.

puppies & waterfalls & rainbows & ponies... good thoughts.

Ok, back on track with good thoughts -- I am completely done with my Christmas cards now. I think its still a little early to actually mail them though. We'll be sending out about 75 this year. Not a ton, not a few, just enough. I surely don't think we receive 75 cards each year but that's ok.

I have finished up my canned goodies that Anisa and I canned in October. 10 hours from start to finish and we canned up dozens of apple butters & apple preserves for family, friends, the mail lady, the paper man, & the kids' teachers, this Christmas. Mine are now labeled (Marissa's Momufactured Marmalades!), decoratively topped and ready to roll. I attached a Chicobag onto each one for that added "treehugger" touch.

Chicobags are vibrantly colored reusable grocery bags that fold up into their own little pouch (think izod jackets in the 80's - you know you had one). Toss 1 or 2 in your purse, glove box or diaper bag and you're all set! Save the earth - when you're asked paper or plastic, hand them your Chicobags!!!!! :)

I feel pretty ahead of the game in terms of Christmas - its such a hard time of the year for me. I love love love Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and all of the christian meaning behind them but the rest of the commercial bs & "gimmes" & expectations & all the guilt associated with it, ugh, I despise it. I'm even nixing the idea of Christmas cookies this year. Oh how I'd love to eat my weight in buckeyes (chocolate covered peanut butter balls) but no, my heart is just not in it this year so rather than fake it and go through the motions, I'm just nixing the idea altogether. I actually felt better once I came to that decision. Less is more. Less IS more.

The kids are all well - I should breath a sigh of relief for at this very moment, no one is sick. That's the thing with having a large family; someone is ALWAYS sick. Viruses run through this house like the plague each winter and once we get everyone well, someone has brought something new home to us from one of their three different schools. Right now we're dealing with cranky teething but no one is sick, something to be thankful for.

I start working out with a personal trainer once a week starting next Tuesday. She seems really nice and says she's confident she can help me shed my extra baggage, no problem. Whew, well thats a relief that someone believes in me because I sure am having a hard time with it!

I'm boring today. I'm cuttin' out... maybe I'll add more on later if I come up with something interesting or witty to say. Don't hold your breath. ;)

delete.

i blogged today

and then deleted it.

i have things i want to say

to a friend

to get off my chest.

she hurt me.

weeks later and i'm

still hurting.

i don't even think she

thought about what she

did and said.

not then or since.

i know it'd hurt or embarrass her

to read those words here and know

i was writing about her

for everyone to see.

confronting her with it

seems pointless.

garth even said it probably

wasn't worth saying anything

since she said/did it so cavalier

it probably would fall on deaf ears.

i dont need unnecessary drama

thats for sure.

i'd rather hurt inside

than hurt someone else.

welcome to my torture.

North Pole? South Pole? NO, PoLAND!

Must have been a glitch. A typo gone awry.

Someone from Poland just visited my blog.

I don't know anyone in Poland.

No, I take that back. I met a woman from Poland at MichFest 2004.

She didn't like me very much and couldn't understand why a straight woman would want to spend an entire week with a prodominantly lesbian population at MichFest.

http://www.michfest.com/ - if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

As the forever-curious woman (oh don't say you haven't thought about it, you liars!), but very much married to a man, it made total sense to me to be there, hanging out in the forest, camping, laughing, listening to rockin' music, drinking beer for a week with girlfriends, but no, not to her. My husband was totally down with me going but dang, it bugged this woman to no end I was there. By the way, I was not the only living-straight woman there. Not by a long shot.

For that matter, I couldn't understand why a woman would travel from Poland to Michigan for Michfest. I'd go again, for sure (with a different group of friends next time - I know I'd have a better time), but I don't think I'd be willing to travel from Poland to get here. It's a really fun women's music festival with lots of awesome things to do, see, buy, eat, try, learn, etc but c'mon, it's not that fun. That's a lot of jet lag.

Ask my friend Tiffany why I spent a week at MichFest. It makes total sense to her. And Ellisa and Rachel & .... they understand me since I dang well talk about it enough when drinking... and sometimes even when not drinking. ;)

And if anyone who reads this looks down on me for any of the typing above - eh, I'm just being myself and honest and well, I'll never apologize for that. :)



Someone from Poland just visited my blog. I have arrived, people.
I HAVE ARRIVED! ROFL!! ;)

Oh Autumn, where did you go?!

I guess since my Christmas shopping & Christmas cards are both about 95% complete and it is almost December, I shouldn't still be wondering where autumn went. But dude. WHERE DID AUTUMN GO? Why does autumn have to be the shortest season of them all?!

I'm sitting here with an inch of snow on the ground from the "blizzard" we had yesterday afternoon. It's freakin' freezing outside and in my house, even though the thermostat is set at a steady 70 degrees. Brrrrrr.

Yesterday: one minute I was doing laundry and it was raining. The next time I walked into the laundry room to switch out the load, it was snowing huge big wet snowflakes. And sticking, not melting, as they hit the ground. Some people would be all in awe at its beauty. Me? I let out an audible groan. Snow = YUCK.

You'd think living in Michigan we all love snow up here. We should, since we have snow on the ground for what feels like 9 out of the 12 months each year. If I never saw another stinkin' snowflake again in my life I'd be ok. Truly and seriously I mean it.

Yesterday picking up W from preschool I had my first of the season (MANY more to follow), "oh f&*k" moments on the road. I'm tooling along knowing its slippery and driving about 15-20 mph UNDER the speed limit out of sheer necessity. Then I felt it. Slide. There is a large truck coming in the other lane of the 2-lane road. I'm sliding. I should be praying. But no, I'm saying out loud, "oh f&*k!" over and over. I'm now fishtailing. And then as I'm about to just throw my hands in the air, scream "oh f&*k" for one last time and know I'm about to either hit the truck or a tree either/or/or both, it stops. The sliding stops and I continue proceeding down the road. Welcome to Michigan, folks! UGH!!!

Help me find a new place to live. I've been saying this for about 20 years now. I hate hot. I hate cold. I want to uproot my family and move somewhere where the economy is good, Garth could have a job in his field, the schools rock and where the weather is a perfect 75-78 degrees each day. I'm not looking for tropics. My ideal outfit is a pair of jeans with a long sleeve t-shirt. So far the closest I've been told is to move to Seattle. I don't mind a little rain. Hmmm.

New Bathroom Rug. Check.

Bought new bathroom rug. And not $50!! sweeeeet. check.

It's pretty. 2 sided luxury rug in almost the same size as before. A little smaller but not much and a deep red. Before was bright yellow so we're definitely changes things up.

hmmm.

- must buy new coordinating towels to go with new bathroom rug as this deep red & tropical towel colors isn't working so well.

- new bathroom towels actually coordinate with the decorative tile around the garden tub - they never have since we moved in. so bonus! sweeeeet. check.

hmmm.

- have new rug & new coordinating towels, but now the pictures on the walls don't match.

- buy new pictures. check.

hmmm.

- the old pictures from the master bath would look great in the kids bathroom.

- hang old pictures in new place. check.

hmmm.

- but c'mon, the new pictures don't match the old shower curtain and the kids' bathroom could definitely use a new one.

- scour internet for kids curtain, but not *too* kidsy curtain.

- new shower curtain on order. check.

- comes with decorative hooks too. bonus!

- had to also order the 3-piece accessory pack because now the old pictures in a new place plus the newly ordered shower curtain don't match the accessories currently in there. check.

hmmm.

- that new shower curtain (with decorative hooks!) & 3 pc. accessory pack plus the newly placed old pictures don't match the old towels.

- move coordinating towels from old master bath location to new kids' bath location. that was the cheapest & easiest move yet. check.

hmmm.

- now the kids' bathroom needs a new coordinating rug.

- must wait for shower curtain to arrive to get just the right color.

hmmm.

looks like i'm back to square one, needing a new bathroom rug, just now for a different bathroom.

perhaps i should have just went with the original $50 rug afterall.

check. ;)

Today's the day!

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I always get leary of the phrase, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life."

Want to know why?

It's a great phrase - it's uplifting. It's motivating. It's a declaration of change. It's moving forward. Onward and upward!

It's also the first sentence in the last diary entry of a childhood family friends' mom. She wrote it one day and decided from that day on, things were going to be different. Hours later she was shot point blank in the forehead, standing in the doorway of her own home in a quiet suburbian subdivision just a short bike ride's distance away from my current home. Randomly murdered in robbery gone wrong. One of my first brushes with how odd, ironic and cruel this world we live in can be. It's been decades and that sentence still brings me right back to that day. The day two great & fun friends became motherless.

I surely don't want to have today be my first day of THAT. But today, I'm going to do two things. Today I'm taking back that phrase. I'm letting Mrs. Sonnenberg's memory of that phrase go. She got change. For all I know, it was peaceful as heck for her. I'm not going to continue to question the world or that phrase. Second, I'm declaring today as my first day. My daughter, my last child, is officially 18 months old today. A year and a half have passed since *I* gave birth to my first daughter. Oh what a whirlwind of change she has brought to the dynamics of our family. I have held onto her birth weight and then some on my hips for 18 long months. Today, I'm letting it go.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I won't quit.

I can't quit.

I'm doing this for me.

I'm doing this for my mind.

I'm doing this for my body.

I'm doing this for my health.

I won't quit.

I can't quit.

I will lose 50 pounds.

I CAN lose 50 pounds.

Intake of food = down.
Intake of exercise = up.

For 18 months I've dragged ass about going to the gym. One excuse after another - too tired, someone's sick, too busy, reservations in the infant care room were a pain in the ass. Today E officially no longer needs a reservation. I've got to let go of my reservations too. I AM worth it.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.
R.I.P. Mrs. Sonnenberg. I know you'd be so proud of me.

OCD, Yeah You Know Me!

I'm obsessing. I won't lie. What Santa brings my kids each year is a big deal to me. We don't do crazy for the rest of the gifts and I don't even really like the concept of the overly-commercialized-society-accepted-deceptive-lie of "Santa" but for whatever I lack that I'm trying to make up for with my kids, I do it with Santa. These gifts get the most thought, the most debate, the most money...they come unwrapped, already assembled ready to go and are sitting on display in front of the tree when the children awake on Christmas morning. It's a big deal.

Our oldest, B who is 13, is easy but I can't post here what Santa is bringing him because 1) Santa won't come if he continues this ridiculous rant about him not being real because he learned it on the bus (its ok for me to say Santa's not real and a big fat lie but it is not ok for my kid to say it, it doesn't sit well with me yet -- yes yes, explain it all to me and it still wont make sense), 2) if he ruins it for the other 3 Santa *isn't* coming with his big gift, period, and for this I stand firm and 3) dude. the kid can read, he's THIRTEEN. He uses my computer. I'm not going to have him "accidentally" logging onto my blog through IE and finding out what mythological Santa is bringing him this year. So, B, is you read this, sorry, you have to wait with the rest of the cyber-world to find out what dear 'ol Santa freakin' Claus is bringing ya.

J is 6 and Santa is huge. Like ranked up there with God huge. Do I like this? No! I despise this high-score ranking Santa has taken but he's c'mon now, he's SIX. In due time this Santa fantasy will get tossed and I will overtake this high ranking status in his life. um, right?! Regardless, the child is obsessed with pool. Like scary obsession. Not just the actual game of pool, which he likes to watch on tv, play on the computer and tries to play in sports bars and wants to use quarters to gamble with strangers with... no no. The actual PHYSICS involved in the game of pool. He's talking trajectory (oh man, i dont even know if thats the spelling but to prove I can overcome my OCD tendencies, i'm going to leave the word alone and not spell check it - be proud), kinetic energy, momentum, mass.... I'm not kidding. Ok he doesn't exactly use the correct terminology but when he's talking about the game of pool, that's where his little quantum physics brain is. Scary scary stuff to have a prodigal child I tell ya. Long story long, he's getting a pool table. We're actually rearranging our house to fit the dang thing. But its not some $3000 real one like he & Garth would totally dig, it's going to be more along the $200 fooz-ball table size one. We've been shopping and we want the best bang for our buck for under $300. 7 feet long and has real felt is the best we've found so far. And its sturdy too. Sturdy is nice in a house with 4 kids.

Comedic W, who is 4, is screwed in the birthMONTH department. Having a Dec. 8 birthday thrown in there with all the hustle & bustle of Christmas shopping & holiday parties really screws the little guy. So Garth & I came up with the ingenius idea that we'd give Santa's present to him (the new SmartCycle) for his birthday so he could play with it during the time between his birthday and Christmas since after Christmas all of his birthday presents suddenly seem old-school to him. But that left me in a heck of a quandry. What in the hell is Santa now going to bring him? 'Splaining to him that Santa actually brought him his birthday present and blew the budget makes like no sense to a soon-to-be 5 year old. Heck, I'm not sure it makes much sense to ME. Our 'po 'po credit card. I'm debating on 2 different brands of see saws for Santa to bring. And dang it, I'm going to continue to call whatever we buy him a see saw and not the TEETER TOTTER I've been googling for a week trying to find one and coming up almost completely empty handed. Duh to me on that one. So these SEE SAWS, one is $129 at Sam's. The other is far sweeter in my head and is $215 shipped. Look at the pic and envision my 4 children playing nicely together with no screaming, no yelling, no fighting, no tears (envisioning unrealistic bliss here). It has a 400 lb weight limit on it - heck with that, even *I* could ride it. Think of the thigh workout...

$215:

$129:

The contemplation. The OCD. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I'll figure it out soon. I mean, I have too. I'm physically losing sleep over it.

Oh sweet baby E. Oh how I adore shopping for you. Oh how I am fufilling all that I wanted as a child and never received but you now are and that's even better. Receiving you and shopping for you is a therapy money could never buy. That's so sad how true that previous statement is - yikes. Santa was bringing you a doll house. Just like the one your cousin D has that you love so much. But guess what? J & W have seen it and now the dang Santa cover is blown so you'll have to be happy that just your boring 'ol parents are giving it to you now.... darn, Mom has to re-shop for a Santa gift. Oh darn. Just darn. Shhhhh, I'm fufilling another childhood fantasy on this one. You're receiving MY favorite toy I ever had a child. Grandpa sold it in a garage sale years ago and I remember how crushed I felt. Yeah I was too big for it but it felt like he sold my friend. You, my love, are receiving its replacement. I may actually cry big tears when I see you sitting on it so be prepared, they're happy tears. I feel like I'm introducing you to an old friend.

You know, I actually read my own blog. I read through my own posts and think, "dude, you're a nutjob!" So just know, you're not alone. ;)

I give thanks.

I don't want to not post tomorrow and overlook Thanksgiving so I think I'll just do the topic today instead.

I'm a thankful girl. I have a lot to be thankful for. Should I list them? Nah, that'd be boring, we all are thankful for the same basics year after year (God, husband, kids, family, friends, health, etc). Not that I'm NOT thankful for those things but c'mon it goes without saying, doesn't it? Maybe thats what Thanksgiving is about - SAYING IT. Fine, I'll list them but here are a few of the off-the-beaten-path things I'm thankful for, without taking away from how thankful I am for "the basics" of what I mentioned above:

* I am thankful I have a husband who pushed me and never stopping pushing me back to a dr. to get the meds I needed for a condition I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It has made a world of difference in so many avenues of my life.

* I am thankful for not just the friends I have but what those people have done for me as a person. Not what they've given me as in material things or babysitting my kids or anything, but what they've GIVEN me. I'm a better person because of some of the good things friends have shown me and more importantly I'm a better person today because of some of the seriously shitty things friends have shown or done to me. Sadistic, but true, and I'm thankful for it.

* I am thankful I live in a country that gives me the freedom to be who I want, say what I want, feel what I want, wear what I want, eat what I want.... My current weight shows how thankful I am for that latter one.

* I am thankful for my house thats too big for me to clean in a single day. I spend so much time damning the damn thing and then it hits me how blessed I am and that I need to shut up and be more humbled by it. I love you big, messy house, every damned huge square inch.

* I am thankful that my parents instilled a conscience in me. I evaluate and re-evaluate every move I make and through this I get my own chance to stop, analyze and change direction when I notice I'm veering off course with something (money, my foul mouth, my attitude, alcohol, friendships, etc etc etc...). I should probably be thankful for that same instilled conscience that made my sister & I both perfectionists to a fault....eh, I'm not feeling so thankful over that one. It's actually hell a LOT of the time.

* I am thankful I have good hair. Genetics and the love of food may have given me this ass but dang it, I have good hair.

* I am thankful that when I look around I can see how far I've come. I never want to forget the struggle to get here. I never want to look down on someone who has less because 10 years ago, it was me. I am thankful for what I have, for what I've been through and for what its made me as a person. I sure like myself a lot more today than I did 10 years ago and I am very, very thankful for it.

* I am thankful for unconditional love. Without it, I'd be a very lonely person. I love to give it and am so thankful when I receive it. It is a gift.

* I am thankful for this blog. It has helped me so much this month and I'm sure will for months & years to come. Free therapy... and we all know I like FREE! ;)


Happy Thanksgiving!
If you leave a comment and its anonymous I'm not so thankful that I won't still threaten to kick your ass! :)

The Reasons. The Seasons. The Lifers.

Some say friends come into your life in one of three ways: For a reason, a season or for a lifetime. I struggle with friendships. I always have. I've always wanted back what I put in. I'm most times disappointed.

I have had soooo many people come into my life for a season. Fun while it lasted but then you realize its time to say goodbye. It's usually all drama-filled and sad, mad and then glad.

I've had a few friends come into my life for a reason. While its sad to see them fade away, I always try to remain grateful that their reason opened a door of opportunity for me to improve as a person or perhaps to meet someone through that person that....

Comes into your life for a lifetime.

These friends. Oh these friends. Its something you feel. Its something you are. Its something you can just be. Its so ahhh.

Life hasn't handed me many of these. You know, that's not such a terrible thing. I need to put some more appreciation into that. If I've known you since before I wore my first bra and we still talk on a regular basis, dude, you're a lifer. I actually have three of them: my sister, my Tonia and my Angie. Life picks up immediately where it left off last when I speak to any of these people. I will grow old with these people. I cherish these friendships beyond comprehension of an outsider looking in. I tear up just thinking of these friendships, where we've been, what we've done, what we've experienced together, where we've still yet to go.

My Garfa. My truest lifer of all. You don't procreate and cultivate 4 children with someone and not create lifer status. You don't let them see the good, the bad and the downright ridiculous ugly of you and not know they'll see you on your deathbed. For you, my love, the lifer status is etched in gold right where it belongs. On my heart.

I have newer lifers. If you think of me and know you're a lifer, we're in it for the long haul. If you question it, perhaps we're not. Not being a lifer isn't always such a bad thing - it just means I'm perhaps opening a window for you to meet your own lifer through me.

Karen - I don't see you often enough but I know you don't have to question your status.

My "we roll mad deep yo" girls: What can I say other than WE ROLL MAD DEEP YO. Laughing with you girls vibrates down to my soul and reminds me how good life can be with good friends.

Nadia - you can move across the globe and nothing can stop my mad love for you. Not even eggrolls.

Anisa - I know you are probably questioning it as you question everything -- stop it. You're a lifer. :P

I'll have other lifers.... perhaps they're just not in solid concrete form yet. Being soft mushy moldable clay is nothing to downtrod.

How do you know if someone is going to have lifelong status in your life? Maybe its YOU that questions your own value in a friendship with someone. If someone you know blogs like this, trust me, you're a lifer:

Undervalued Assets
Originally posted October 16, 2007

When I don't understand something, the thought of it stays in this little room in my brain, walking the floor over and over until a door opens and bammo! I get it!

Like when I was registering for my wedding shower and all of the sudden really and truly *got* the concept of delayed reciprocity...something I had studied two years prior in an anthro class but didn't sit right with me. This tribe somewhere or other made these huge gifts to each other...basically giving massive gifts of livestock and western goods to each other. Then they just had to sit and wait until it was their turn to be on the end that gets the gifts. This seemed so bizarre to me- delayed reciprocity: you'll get your crap back eventually, but not from the person you gave it to. Then I got married and *got* it: people give gifts to start you off and someday you will give them gifts to start them off, or your parents gave them gifts to start them off, or grandparents and so on. The end result is that everyone gets a start that they alone couldn't purchase because we as a society have entered into a delayed reciprocity covenant with each other about marriage.

I took accounting for lawyers and got the pleasure of learning all about undervalued assets, which lives in that room in my brain where I put things that don't make sense. Basically there are two ways that an asset can be undervalued: a person can have something that the value of is hidden from them- you have a diamond that you think is glass, you have a picasso on the back of a farmhouse painting. The other possibility is that a person has something of value but for whatever reason refuses to see the value in the item or lacks the desire to get the full value. Therein lay my confusion. How can you have something that you should know is precious and believe it to be of little value? We were presented with examples- real estate, offensive but valuable memorabilia, but I still in my head couldn't believe that someone could have a precious stone in their hands and continue to say "what, this old rock?"

The door has opened. I get it now.

If you ever meet my friend Marissa, know that she is a diamond. If your thought is ever to list her in your inventory as a rock you may wish to consult further with your accountant.

Determination Revisited.

Remember the winds 'o change I smelled brewing a few days ago? Nope, that's not summer sausage, girls!!

When I was 29 I went on a big kick that Garth & I were done having babies and it was time for me to kick my body back into shape -- look more like me and less like the wow-we're-breeders body I was sporting. Oh wait, I still am...

I was determined to be 130 lbs by my 30th birthday.
I'm 5 feet 6 inches tall. 130 is awesome.

Didn't happen. I got sidetracked somewhere along the way and veered off course. WAY off course. Had another baby even though we thought we were done, off course. More babies = even more breeders body. yikes!

So 4 years later, I'm still off course but I've got my handy dandy binoculars out and I'm at least pondering the search for the course I fell from.

I spent this entire year charting my weight - each Monday I wrote down what I weighed and dramatically sighed when it sure as hell didn't seem to be vanishing. I am happy to report that from New Years Day 2007 to today, I am officially 2 pounds lighter. Can I get an entire round of dramatic sighs & applause for that one?!

My determination is feeling renewed. My family life is back on track, I feel like I have my best friend back (hey Garth, that's YOU!) and things seem to be feeling ok for the first time in quite awhile in my head. I really want to be healthy. I really really want to be fit not fat. Anxiety and depression do a doozy on your head in that regard. Some say losing weight is all in your head. Guess what? I agree with them.

New goal for remainder of 2007: Reset brain. Enjoy the holidays. Eat & drink in moderation (my girls night out does not equal drinking in moderation by the way...). Get thee's ass back to the freakin' gym. Why don't I go? What the hell is wrong with me? It's my head. Somebody convince my head that I'm worth it. I'm working on it but wow, its tough.

Goal for 2008: Be 135 at my 35th birthday. Lose this weight that I've been carrying for far too long for far too many emotional reasons. Geez woman, you're going to be 35 next year. That's middle age for the life expectancies of most of my relatives. ONLY drinking in moderation -- I don't drink often and that seems part of the problem, like I've got some making up to do in the getting out of the house & celebrating departments -- binge drinking is not good for me. Why do I do it? I'm not 100% sure but I know its not healthy and having an uncle who died at 39 of cirrhosis of the liver should be the wake-up call I need....if that's not, how about the beer belly I appear to be sporting?! ugh. Moving on -- Keep my marriage right on track where it is now or make it even stronger & better.

I'm sure I'll come up with more goals but I really want to focus on the weight, my marriage and my health - both mental & physical. This is going to be my year, I just feel it!!! :)

Umm yeah. Thanks.

What do you say to a friend that couldn't come to your birthday girls night out because she couldn't get a sitter and another friend who was just blatently non-commital, that she'd check her calendar and get back to you but never did and then you turn around at the bar and in they walk together and give you a straight up "deer in the headlights" look when they see you?

When said friends then say -- still with the deer eyeballs -- that they came there to surprise you?

The kicker? I'd never told them where we were going.

I. DESPISE. being. lied. to.

What do you say to friends like these?!?!?!

What do you say to another friend who RSVP'ed she was coming but just 100% stood you up?

What about the handful of friends who just never responded to the invitation at all, not a word?


What I do say is THANK YOU so much to my girlfriends that came -- I had a blast, I felt the love and am so thrilled that you were able to come & celebrate the big 3-4 with me. I had SO much fun, drank FAR too much and wow, my elbow really hurts from falling off my bed last night. I've been told I was a titch out of control, LOL, but yeah well.... binge drinking at its finest. Ugh, I'm soooo paying for it today.

Off to ponder a few of my friendships... for real. And nap. Yes, I could really go for a nice long nap.

Busy! Busy!

I'm always busy. Here, there, everywhere. Like a bad Dr. Suess book. This weekend is no different.

Last night I had drinks with 3 friends I had not seen since high school graduation. Well, one of them I had since she formerly worked with my husband so I saw her a few times at work functions. The other two, not since graduation day. I've known these girls since kindergarten (one since 2nd grade when she was "THE NEW GIRL" -- haha, sorry Becky!). I didn't know what to expect and I'm sure they didn't either. We were all friendly in high school and totally knew each other but I was not within that circle of friends so its not like we were super tight - not tight enough to stay in contact after graduation.

I had so much fun! We gabbed & gossiped and caught up on things that have happened in the past (gasp!) 16 years. I'm really glad I went. One of the girls had just gotten home from a deployment to the war in which I'm opposed to and it was awesome to see the photos she brought with her from there. A true perspective for a civilian of how different it is there than here. She's proud of what she does and enjoys it and I'm proud of her. I can oppose the war and still be patriotic & supportive as heck of our troops!!!

Anyway, like I said, I had a lot of fun and hope that we can do it again someday. I'm really happy I was asked to be included.

note to self:
do not put coat on before pictures nor hunch your body -
geez woman, you look about 300 lbs in this pic!

I've been told I didn't gush enough about my awesome birthday. So ...

My birthday rocked the casbah.
It may have been the best one yet.
If not the best, it ranks right up there at the top 2.

We went to Ukai for dinner - a Japanese hibachi restaurant that is one of my absolute places to eat. We ate lots of mmmm sushi and all had wonderful meals. The kids loved having the chef cook our food right in front of us but the flaming hibachi scared the crap out of E.


In no particular order here are the goods I received in honor of turning 34:

* 2 reclining camping chairs with footrests that i've wanted forever!!
* a new cake/cupcake carrying case to replace my 70s gold tupperware one that all my friends give me shit over.
* some cash money - its going straight on the credit card for Christmas. that's what i get for having a mid-November birthday. eh.
* a new blow brush for my hair like my sister uses at the salon
* 2 yankee candles - clean linen & sage citrus scents

* the new Post Secrets book
* a gift certificate to the mall
* the new Mammoth Crocs (lined with fleece - they rock!)


* a boatload of eyelash stuff (you'd have to be an eyelash whore to understand...)
* J (6) made me a card and put $5 in it -- I tried to give him back his money but he said Daddy gave him the money so I totally kept it.

and last but hardly not least....

drumroll....

* A PINK LEATHER ENGRAVED FLASK!!!! (I've always wanted one but was shocked that 1) I finally received one - no one ever took me serious that every girl needs her own flask, lol and 2) ITS PINK LEATHER!!!


My 3 nieces stayed the night here last night because of the military ball. When I ran out to have drinks with the girls mentioned above (Garth watched the kids), of course I had to run into their MOTHER while I was out. Oops! I laughed, told her the kids were fine, they were watching a DVD in the car and it was all good, I left the heat on. LOL

Tonite I'm having a LADIES NIGHT out with girlfriends.
I. Can. Not. Wait!!! :)