uropygium.

am i really so different from other people

what is it about me
that makes me feel so different
so very, very different
from everyone around me

all the time
lately
i feel reminded
i don't fit in here

why is it i'm constantly bombarded
with the very strong feelings
i'm damned if i do
damned if i don't

if i open my mouth
i get criticized
too arrogant
too proud
(too fat even!)
to my face
behind my back
i always hear something

i am not arrogant
i am proud
finally
my ass size
is simply
none of your business

my entire life
its always been there
the whispers
"you don't fit in here"
is all i ever heard
despite the words they chose
that day

if i keep my mouth closed
i'm accused of a bad mood
hiding something
being fake

i'm not fake
i just cant win
i'll never understand
something i'd never do

i feel damned
or rather dammed
closed up tight from feeling closed off

why do people tend to dislike me
women
at first glance
but love others
at that same glance

the natural look of my face
not arrogance
nor anything fake

it's a look of concentration
trying to bring focus
to the constant tornado in my head
barrages of thoughts plans ideas anxieties
worries
you'd know that if you knew me

more and more
each week lately
reaffirm my prior position
of being a recluse

i cry a lot
at the anxiety & worry
that i need to go back there
shut in
shut down

people who know me
adore me
people who don't
women
loathe me

after all these years
it gets so old
i should just get used to it
never

what i wish most
the oil of a duck's back.

laying my thoughts out.

I have 10 months left.
I will finish this journey.
Damn it, I'll do it with honors if it kills me.

This change is far harder than I ever imagined.
I am so exhausted all the time.
Stretched thin.
Very thin.

I miss my kids. tremendously.
I miss Garth. horrifically.

I'm blessed to be here.
But stressed too.
I will see this through.
With honors.
Damn it.

rounded out the week nicely.

Just when I think the deluge of school will absolutely envelope & overcome me, I end a week like this one.

Wednesday consisted of 6 hours of classes, an hour in the library in a group study session, an hour at home studying, 2 beers & some much needed laughter with a girlfriend, more studying, a long overdue phone call with Kami, more review, and then falling asleep face down in my school binder (from exhaustion, 2 beers do not lay me out!).

Thursday consisted of 4 hours of classes, a lunchtime study group cramming for our anatomy midterm that followed lunch, the midterm itself, followed by one last hour of class. Immediately following the end of the school day I began the 4.5 hour drive home. This time I got to share the ride with one of my favorite classmates -- laughter for 4.5 hours trumps solitude most of the time for me. Not all of the time, but most!

Two great ways to round out a really long & emotional week -

leaving school with:
Anatomy midterm = 98%

and coming home to:
my favorite five = awesome%

come now, really?

i really need to update this thing.

i really have no time.

i really take a lot of tests and quizzes.

i really could use a vacation;
drinks with umbrellas & warm sand between my toes.

i really could stand to re-lose 20 lbs.

i really miss my old life.

i really am excited about my future though.

i really need to get back to studying now.

is this really my life?!

Perhaps it's just part of the roller coaster of being a girl, or the stress of midterms, or the fact that I'm a full-time student part of the week, a wife & mom of 4 all of the week. I'm an employee, lately a crappy friend, a commuter, a sleep-deprived hormonal perfectionist wreck. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells some days... truly just one tantrum (mine!) away from a breakdown.

But I'm not depressed.
I still hold hope that doesn't come back.
Ever.

I received my 1st midterm back on Thursday. Microbiology.
I studied for this test. I knew this stuff.
I was handed back a scantron slip of paper.
It read 46%.

Typical grading scale means I failed that midterm. By my school's standards a 74% is actually failing. A 46% sent my skin paler than normal, which is pretty damn pale to begin with. There is no way on God's green earth I earned a 46% on that midterm. Was I insane? Did I study the wrong subject? Am I just losing it? Wait. There's got to be a Candid Camera around somewhere. This has to be a joke. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad joke.

The instructor instructed us to see her after class if we had questions regarding our exam. Questions?! She then lectured for a half hour -- to which I never heard a single syllable she uttered. I broke out in a cold sweat. I was figuring out how to tell my husband, my kids and my employer why I had to quit school. Sound dramatic? Yeah, I felt dramatic. Thankfully only my seat partner even knew anything was wrong, in addition to the instructor. She caught my eye & asked if I was ok. I shook my head no. I was definitely not ok.

I lined up at her office, about 6th or 7th in line. One by one students went in & talked to her. One by one students left her office, in tears. Some more hysterical than others. Our careers ride on these grades.

When it was my turn, I closed the door and said, "I told myself I wouldn't cry."

The floodgates opened. I wasn't hysterical but the tears simply wouldn't stop flowing. I've waited 20 years for this. I still pinch myself almost daily that I'm actually here. I study. I take this shit seriously. Probably too seriously says my stress levels. A 46% is simply not ok.

"I don't fail tests", was all I could muster.
For the record, I have failed tests. But this material?
I owned it.

She informed me she hadn't gone over the tests, had only inserted them in the scantron, recorded them and handed back the grades.

I handed her my scantron grade slip. She, too, was surprised by my grade. She asked me what test I had taken, 1 or 2. I replied 1. She thumbed through the stack of test 1's.

My scantron wasn't there.

Imagine the sigh of relief when we both realized my scantron was graded based on test 2's answer code. She was so very sorry, very humbled by the mistake. I was just so grateful the mistake was hers and not mine.

She rescanned my test and asked if a 94% would work better for me.

Indeed it will.
Indeed it will.
Indeed it will.

Received my 1st P-

My blog entries while I'm in school will probably all sing to a similar tune ~ how I'm pulling off this monstrosity of a challenge.

Despite my extreme anxiety over my anatomy class, I managed to pull off a 100% on the 1st part of the quiz and a P- on the 2nd half. The 2nd half has a pass/fail grading system. I laughed when people got P-'s on the another set of quizzes we had. A P-? Is that a sorta-pass? When you then receive a P- yourself, you discover it's really not so silly... you didn't fail, it's AWESOME! Ha!

Today I received another chemistry quiz back - 100%. I also took a restorative art quiz today. I'm pretty sure I aced it.

Tomorrow begins a round of midterms. MIDTERMS, already?! Yup, midterms. Microbiology tomorrow, Chemistry on Monday. Not sure what others are later next week, my brain can only think as far ahead as Monday.

I'm pushing forward feeling confident, yet overwhelmed, and sometimes those feelings alternate hourly.

riding the waves.

just by being a girl means you're sometimes riding up a wave & sometimes you're riding down. to those around us and even to ourselves, the knowledge of when that next big wave will hit is a mystery.

being a mom means you're sometimes (usually) riding someone else's wave plus your own or trying to steer multiple surf boards and waves all at once.

being a student means sometimes you're sometimes steady on the board and sometimes you wipe out flat on your ass.

so now, let's put my accounting skills to the test:
i'm all girl + mom of 4 + full time student = 1 tsumani surfin' chic.

i had an aha moment yesterday when i thought, "i really can do this!"

yet i woke up this morning trying to will my brain to stop worrying about what that teardrop shaped depression superior to my maxilla but inferior to my volmer was.

"i really can do this!", wasn't exactly where my head was.

what in the hell am i doing?!
i really dont know from one day to the next.
hell, one moment to the next sometimes.

but i do know its my filtrum - didn't even have to look it up.
::takes a bow::