It's Fashion Week.

I don't even know when Fashion Week really is, hell I don't even know what's IN fashion anymore. Unless running pants, fur-lined crocs & zip up sweatshirts are in since that's what my Monday - Friday fashion statement is these days. {sigh} I swear I do dress better on the weekends and/or when going out.

Fashion wise, I live vicariously through my daughter. It's pretty pathetic that her wardrobe outright dazzles in comparison to mine these days. Watch out skinny bitches, mama's on the war path to lose weight and when I do, you'd better stand back -- call me Marissa or call me MILF... I will happily answer to either. ;)

So its Fashion Week here at the commune. E has officially moved from one size to the next and I've been shedding her closet of anything size 12 months or smaller. 18 months is on the hightail outta here soon too for most things -- shirts are getting too short and the pants are too tight thanks to her ghetto cloth diapered booty. We are, for the most part, officially wearing size 24 months now. That means, HURRAY!, tags are coming off clothes she's never worn before. Old clothes out, new clothes in. Man this is fun. Sad, but true, but fun all the same. Oh how I get my kicks these days. A far cry from what got my kicks off in college, ain't that the truth.

Diva E says this season its all in the bleach spotted jeans,
hippy-chic shirts, your favorite pair of See Kai Run shoes,
carrying around mama's hairbrush & your Dora dollhouse kitchen chair.
Can't forget the rockin' pink plug: a mouth must-have accessory.
Girlfriends got mad stylin' skillz.

A pair of striped BabyLegs compliment any outfit.
As shown here with her new favorite pink cord dress.
Nothing says fun like throwing wooden fruits & veggies on the floor &
watching your mama scramble to pick them up again & again & again.

Oh, The Childrens Place, oh how I love thee.

Some curse you & say you're too sleaze,

dressing my girl from there

will surely make her a tease.

Your tank tops so cute

& the shrug fits just right

Matching skirt & some BabyLegs

make E look out of sight!

It takes a true fashionista to know what goes and what doesn't.
E helps pick out her hair bows each day.
She's pretty good at picking the right colors too!

Ahhhh, proof positive this is MY daughter.
Who needs genetics when its so obviously clear?!

Starting the day with happy thoughts!

So yesterday was a downer - an all around bad day. I'd like to turn my mood around and am determined to do it with happy thoughts. I sure can't do it by what the scale said this morning. Man I'm thankful I've been dieting, the scale surely reflected that. NOT.

puppies & waterfalls & rainbows & ponies... good thoughts.

Ok, back on track with good thoughts -- I am completely done with my Christmas cards now. I think its still a little early to actually mail them though. We'll be sending out about 75 this year. Not a ton, not a few, just enough. I surely don't think we receive 75 cards each year but that's ok.

I have finished up my canned goodies that Anisa and I canned in October. 10 hours from start to finish and we canned up dozens of apple butters & apple preserves for family, friends, the mail lady, the paper man, & the kids' teachers, this Christmas. Mine are now labeled (Marissa's Momufactured Marmalades!), decoratively topped and ready to roll. I attached a Chicobag onto each one for that added "treehugger" touch.

Chicobags are vibrantly colored reusable grocery bags that fold up into their own little pouch (think izod jackets in the 80's - you know you had one). Toss 1 or 2 in your purse, glove box or diaper bag and you're all set! Save the earth - when you're asked paper or plastic, hand them your Chicobags!!!!! :)

I feel pretty ahead of the game in terms of Christmas - its such a hard time of the year for me. I love love love Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and all of the christian meaning behind them but the rest of the commercial bs & "gimmes" & expectations & all the guilt associated with it, ugh, I despise it. I'm even nixing the idea of Christmas cookies this year. Oh how I'd love to eat my weight in buckeyes (chocolate covered peanut butter balls) but no, my heart is just not in it this year so rather than fake it and go through the motions, I'm just nixing the idea altogether. I actually felt better once I came to that decision. Less is more. Less IS more.

The kids are all well - I should breath a sigh of relief for at this very moment, no one is sick. That's the thing with having a large family; someone is ALWAYS sick. Viruses run through this house like the plague each winter and once we get everyone well, someone has brought something new home to us from one of their three different schools. Right now we're dealing with cranky teething but no one is sick, something to be thankful for.

I start working out with a personal trainer once a week starting next Tuesday. She seems really nice and says she's confident she can help me shed my extra baggage, no problem. Whew, well thats a relief that someone believes in me because I sure am having a hard time with it!

I'm boring today. I'm cuttin' out... maybe I'll add more on later if I come up with something interesting or witty to say. Don't hold your breath. ;)

delete.

i blogged today

and then deleted it.

i have things i want to say

to a friend

to get off my chest.

she hurt me.

weeks later and i'm

still hurting.

i don't even think she

thought about what she

did and said.

not then or since.

i know it'd hurt or embarrass her

to read those words here and know

i was writing about her

for everyone to see.

confronting her with it

seems pointless.

garth even said it probably

wasn't worth saying anything

since she said/did it so cavalier

it probably would fall on deaf ears.

i dont need unnecessary drama

thats for sure.

i'd rather hurt inside

than hurt someone else.

welcome to my torture.

North Pole? South Pole? NO, PoLAND!

Must have been a glitch. A typo gone awry.

Someone from Poland just visited my blog.

I don't know anyone in Poland.

No, I take that back. I met a woman from Poland at MichFest 2004.

She didn't like me very much and couldn't understand why a straight woman would want to spend an entire week with a prodominantly lesbian population at MichFest.

http://www.michfest.com/ - if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

As the forever-curious woman (oh don't say you haven't thought about it, you liars!), but very much married to a man, it made total sense to me to be there, hanging out in the forest, camping, laughing, listening to rockin' music, drinking beer for a week with girlfriends, but no, not to her. My husband was totally down with me going but dang, it bugged this woman to no end I was there. By the way, I was not the only living-straight woman there. Not by a long shot.

For that matter, I couldn't understand why a woman would travel from Poland to Michigan for Michfest. I'd go again, for sure (with a different group of friends next time - I know I'd have a better time), but I don't think I'd be willing to travel from Poland to get here. It's a really fun women's music festival with lots of awesome things to do, see, buy, eat, try, learn, etc but c'mon, it's not that fun. That's a lot of jet lag.

Ask my friend Tiffany why I spent a week at MichFest. It makes total sense to her. And Ellisa and Rachel & .... they understand me since I dang well talk about it enough when drinking... and sometimes even when not drinking. ;)

And if anyone who reads this looks down on me for any of the typing above - eh, I'm just being myself and honest and well, I'll never apologize for that. :)



Someone from Poland just visited my blog. I have arrived, people.
I HAVE ARRIVED! ROFL!! ;)

Oh Autumn, where did you go?!

I guess since my Christmas shopping & Christmas cards are both about 95% complete and it is almost December, I shouldn't still be wondering where autumn went. But dude. WHERE DID AUTUMN GO? Why does autumn have to be the shortest season of them all?!

I'm sitting here with an inch of snow on the ground from the "blizzard" we had yesterday afternoon. It's freakin' freezing outside and in my house, even though the thermostat is set at a steady 70 degrees. Brrrrrr.

Yesterday: one minute I was doing laundry and it was raining. The next time I walked into the laundry room to switch out the load, it was snowing huge big wet snowflakes. And sticking, not melting, as they hit the ground. Some people would be all in awe at its beauty. Me? I let out an audible groan. Snow = YUCK.

You'd think living in Michigan we all love snow up here. We should, since we have snow on the ground for what feels like 9 out of the 12 months each year. If I never saw another stinkin' snowflake again in my life I'd be ok. Truly and seriously I mean it.

Yesterday picking up W from preschool I had my first of the season (MANY more to follow), "oh f&*k" moments on the road. I'm tooling along knowing its slippery and driving about 15-20 mph UNDER the speed limit out of sheer necessity. Then I felt it. Slide. There is a large truck coming in the other lane of the 2-lane road. I'm sliding. I should be praying. But no, I'm saying out loud, "oh f&*k!" over and over. I'm now fishtailing. And then as I'm about to just throw my hands in the air, scream "oh f&*k" for one last time and know I'm about to either hit the truck or a tree either/or/or both, it stops. The sliding stops and I continue proceeding down the road. Welcome to Michigan, folks! UGH!!!

Help me find a new place to live. I've been saying this for about 20 years now. I hate hot. I hate cold. I want to uproot my family and move somewhere where the economy is good, Garth could have a job in his field, the schools rock and where the weather is a perfect 75-78 degrees each day. I'm not looking for tropics. My ideal outfit is a pair of jeans with a long sleeve t-shirt. So far the closest I've been told is to move to Seattle. I don't mind a little rain. Hmmm.

New Bathroom Rug. Check.

Bought new bathroom rug. And not $50!! sweeeeet. check.

It's pretty. 2 sided luxury rug in almost the same size as before. A little smaller but not much and a deep red. Before was bright yellow so we're definitely changes things up.

hmmm.

- must buy new coordinating towels to go with new bathroom rug as this deep red & tropical towel colors isn't working so well.

- new bathroom towels actually coordinate with the decorative tile around the garden tub - they never have since we moved in. so bonus! sweeeeet. check.

hmmm.

- have new rug & new coordinating towels, but now the pictures on the walls don't match.

- buy new pictures. check.

hmmm.

- the old pictures from the master bath would look great in the kids bathroom.

- hang old pictures in new place. check.

hmmm.

- but c'mon, the new pictures don't match the old shower curtain and the kids' bathroom could definitely use a new one.

- scour internet for kids curtain, but not *too* kidsy curtain.

- new shower curtain on order. check.

- comes with decorative hooks too. bonus!

- had to also order the 3-piece accessory pack because now the old pictures in a new place plus the newly ordered shower curtain don't match the accessories currently in there. check.

hmmm.

- that new shower curtain (with decorative hooks!) & 3 pc. accessory pack plus the newly placed old pictures don't match the old towels.

- move coordinating towels from old master bath location to new kids' bath location. that was the cheapest & easiest move yet. check.

hmmm.

- now the kids' bathroom needs a new coordinating rug.

- must wait for shower curtain to arrive to get just the right color.

hmmm.

looks like i'm back to square one, needing a new bathroom rug, just now for a different bathroom.

perhaps i should have just went with the original $50 rug afterall.

check. ;)

Today's the day!

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I always get leary of the phrase, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life."

Want to know why?

It's a great phrase - it's uplifting. It's motivating. It's a declaration of change. It's moving forward. Onward and upward!

It's also the first sentence in the last diary entry of a childhood family friends' mom. She wrote it one day and decided from that day on, things were going to be different. Hours later she was shot point blank in the forehead, standing in the doorway of her own home in a quiet suburbian subdivision just a short bike ride's distance away from my current home. Randomly murdered in robbery gone wrong. One of my first brushes with how odd, ironic and cruel this world we live in can be. It's been decades and that sentence still brings me right back to that day. The day two great & fun friends became motherless.

I surely don't want to have today be my first day of THAT. But today, I'm going to do two things. Today I'm taking back that phrase. I'm letting Mrs. Sonnenberg's memory of that phrase go. She got change. For all I know, it was peaceful as heck for her. I'm not going to continue to question the world or that phrase. Second, I'm declaring today as my first day. My daughter, my last child, is officially 18 months old today. A year and a half have passed since *I* gave birth to my first daughter. Oh what a whirlwind of change she has brought to the dynamics of our family. I have held onto her birth weight and then some on my hips for 18 long months. Today, I'm letting it go.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I won't quit.

I can't quit.

I'm doing this for me.

I'm doing this for my mind.

I'm doing this for my body.

I'm doing this for my health.

I won't quit.

I can't quit.

I will lose 50 pounds.

I CAN lose 50 pounds.

Intake of food = down.
Intake of exercise = up.

For 18 months I've dragged ass about going to the gym. One excuse after another - too tired, someone's sick, too busy, reservations in the infant care room were a pain in the ass. Today E officially no longer needs a reservation. I've got to let go of my reservations too. I AM worth it.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.
R.I.P. Mrs. Sonnenberg. I know you'd be so proud of me.

OCD, Yeah You Know Me!

I'm obsessing. I won't lie. What Santa brings my kids each year is a big deal to me. We don't do crazy for the rest of the gifts and I don't even really like the concept of the overly-commercialized-society-accepted-deceptive-lie of "Santa" but for whatever I lack that I'm trying to make up for with my kids, I do it with Santa. These gifts get the most thought, the most debate, the most money...they come unwrapped, already assembled ready to go and are sitting on display in front of the tree when the children awake on Christmas morning. It's a big deal.

Our oldest, B who is 13, is easy but I can't post here what Santa is bringing him because 1) Santa won't come if he continues this ridiculous rant about him not being real because he learned it on the bus (its ok for me to say Santa's not real and a big fat lie but it is not ok for my kid to say it, it doesn't sit well with me yet -- yes yes, explain it all to me and it still wont make sense), 2) if he ruins it for the other 3 Santa *isn't* coming with his big gift, period, and for this I stand firm and 3) dude. the kid can read, he's THIRTEEN. He uses my computer. I'm not going to have him "accidentally" logging onto my blog through IE and finding out what mythological Santa is bringing him this year. So, B, is you read this, sorry, you have to wait with the rest of the cyber-world to find out what dear 'ol Santa freakin' Claus is bringing ya.

J is 6 and Santa is huge. Like ranked up there with God huge. Do I like this? No! I despise this high-score ranking Santa has taken but he's c'mon now, he's SIX. In due time this Santa fantasy will get tossed and I will overtake this high ranking status in his life. um, right?! Regardless, the child is obsessed with pool. Like scary obsession. Not just the actual game of pool, which he likes to watch on tv, play on the computer and tries to play in sports bars and wants to use quarters to gamble with strangers with... no no. The actual PHYSICS involved in the game of pool. He's talking trajectory (oh man, i dont even know if thats the spelling but to prove I can overcome my OCD tendencies, i'm going to leave the word alone and not spell check it - be proud), kinetic energy, momentum, mass.... I'm not kidding. Ok he doesn't exactly use the correct terminology but when he's talking about the game of pool, that's where his little quantum physics brain is. Scary scary stuff to have a prodigal child I tell ya. Long story long, he's getting a pool table. We're actually rearranging our house to fit the dang thing. But its not some $3000 real one like he & Garth would totally dig, it's going to be more along the $200 fooz-ball table size one. We've been shopping and we want the best bang for our buck for under $300. 7 feet long and has real felt is the best we've found so far. And its sturdy too. Sturdy is nice in a house with 4 kids.

Comedic W, who is 4, is screwed in the birthMONTH department. Having a Dec. 8 birthday thrown in there with all the hustle & bustle of Christmas shopping & holiday parties really screws the little guy. So Garth & I came up with the ingenius idea that we'd give Santa's present to him (the new SmartCycle) for his birthday so he could play with it during the time between his birthday and Christmas since after Christmas all of his birthday presents suddenly seem old-school to him. But that left me in a heck of a quandry. What in the hell is Santa now going to bring him? 'Splaining to him that Santa actually brought him his birthday present and blew the budget makes like no sense to a soon-to-be 5 year old. Heck, I'm not sure it makes much sense to ME. Our 'po 'po credit card. I'm debating on 2 different brands of see saws for Santa to bring. And dang it, I'm going to continue to call whatever we buy him a see saw and not the TEETER TOTTER I've been googling for a week trying to find one and coming up almost completely empty handed. Duh to me on that one. So these SEE SAWS, one is $129 at Sam's. The other is far sweeter in my head and is $215 shipped. Look at the pic and envision my 4 children playing nicely together with no screaming, no yelling, no fighting, no tears (envisioning unrealistic bliss here). It has a 400 lb weight limit on it - heck with that, even *I* could ride it. Think of the thigh workout...

$215:

$129:

The contemplation. The OCD. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I'll figure it out soon. I mean, I have too. I'm physically losing sleep over it.

Oh sweet baby E. Oh how I adore shopping for you. Oh how I am fufilling all that I wanted as a child and never received but you now are and that's even better. Receiving you and shopping for you is a therapy money could never buy. That's so sad how true that previous statement is - yikes. Santa was bringing you a doll house. Just like the one your cousin D has that you love so much. But guess what? J & W have seen it and now the dang Santa cover is blown so you'll have to be happy that just your boring 'ol parents are giving it to you now.... darn, Mom has to re-shop for a Santa gift. Oh darn. Just darn. Shhhhh, I'm fufilling another childhood fantasy on this one. You're receiving MY favorite toy I ever had a child. Grandpa sold it in a garage sale years ago and I remember how crushed I felt. Yeah I was too big for it but it felt like he sold my friend. You, my love, are receiving its replacement. I may actually cry big tears when I see you sitting on it so be prepared, they're happy tears. I feel like I'm introducing you to an old friend.

You know, I actually read my own blog. I read through my own posts and think, "dude, you're a nutjob!" So just know, you're not alone. ;)

I give thanks.

I don't want to not post tomorrow and overlook Thanksgiving so I think I'll just do the topic today instead.

I'm a thankful girl. I have a lot to be thankful for. Should I list them? Nah, that'd be boring, we all are thankful for the same basics year after year (God, husband, kids, family, friends, health, etc). Not that I'm NOT thankful for those things but c'mon it goes without saying, doesn't it? Maybe thats what Thanksgiving is about - SAYING IT. Fine, I'll list them but here are a few of the off-the-beaten-path things I'm thankful for, without taking away from how thankful I am for "the basics" of what I mentioned above:

* I am thankful I have a husband who pushed me and never stopping pushing me back to a dr. to get the meds I needed for a condition I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It has made a world of difference in so many avenues of my life.

* I am thankful for not just the friends I have but what those people have done for me as a person. Not what they've given me as in material things or babysitting my kids or anything, but what they've GIVEN me. I'm a better person because of some of the good things friends have shown me and more importantly I'm a better person today because of some of the seriously shitty things friends have shown or done to me. Sadistic, but true, and I'm thankful for it.

* I am thankful I live in a country that gives me the freedom to be who I want, say what I want, feel what I want, wear what I want, eat what I want.... My current weight shows how thankful I am for that latter one.

* I am thankful for my house thats too big for me to clean in a single day. I spend so much time damning the damn thing and then it hits me how blessed I am and that I need to shut up and be more humbled by it. I love you big, messy house, every damned huge square inch.

* I am thankful that my parents instilled a conscience in me. I evaluate and re-evaluate every move I make and through this I get my own chance to stop, analyze and change direction when I notice I'm veering off course with something (money, my foul mouth, my attitude, alcohol, friendships, etc etc etc...). I should probably be thankful for that same instilled conscience that made my sister & I both perfectionists to a fault....eh, I'm not feeling so thankful over that one. It's actually hell a LOT of the time.

* I am thankful I have good hair. Genetics and the love of food may have given me this ass but dang it, I have good hair.

* I am thankful that when I look around I can see how far I've come. I never want to forget the struggle to get here. I never want to look down on someone who has less because 10 years ago, it was me. I am thankful for what I have, for what I've been through and for what its made me as a person. I sure like myself a lot more today than I did 10 years ago and I am very, very thankful for it.

* I am thankful for unconditional love. Without it, I'd be a very lonely person. I love to give it and am so thankful when I receive it. It is a gift.

* I am thankful for this blog. It has helped me so much this month and I'm sure will for months & years to come. Free therapy... and we all know I like FREE! ;)


Happy Thanksgiving!
If you leave a comment and its anonymous I'm not so thankful that I won't still threaten to kick your ass! :)

The Reasons. The Seasons. The Lifers.

Some say friends come into your life in one of three ways: For a reason, a season or for a lifetime. I struggle with friendships. I always have. I've always wanted back what I put in. I'm most times disappointed.

I have had soooo many people come into my life for a season. Fun while it lasted but then you realize its time to say goodbye. It's usually all drama-filled and sad, mad and then glad.

I've had a few friends come into my life for a reason. While its sad to see them fade away, I always try to remain grateful that their reason opened a door of opportunity for me to improve as a person or perhaps to meet someone through that person that....

Comes into your life for a lifetime.

These friends. Oh these friends. Its something you feel. Its something you are. Its something you can just be. Its so ahhh.

Life hasn't handed me many of these. You know, that's not such a terrible thing. I need to put some more appreciation into that. If I've known you since before I wore my first bra and we still talk on a regular basis, dude, you're a lifer. I actually have three of them: my sister, my Tonia and my Angie. Life picks up immediately where it left off last when I speak to any of these people. I will grow old with these people. I cherish these friendships beyond comprehension of an outsider looking in. I tear up just thinking of these friendships, where we've been, what we've done, what we've experienced together, where we've still yet to go.

My Garfa. My truest lifer of all. You don't procreate and cultivate 4 children with someone and not create lifer status. You don't let them see the good, the bad and the downright ridiculous ugly of you and not know they'll see you on your deathbed. For you, my love, the lifer status is etched in gold right where it belongs. On my heart.

I have newer lifers. If you think of me and know you're a lifer, we're in it for the long haul. If you question it, perhaps we're not. Not being a lifer isn't always such a bad thing - it just means I'm perhaps opening a window for you to meet your own lifer through me.

Karen - I don't see you often enough but I know you don't have to question your status.

My "we roll mad deep yo" girls: What can I say other than WE ROLL MAD DEEP YO. Laughing with you girls vibrates down to my soul and reminds me how good life can be with good friends.

Nadia - you can move across the globe and nothing can stop my mad love for you. Not even eggrolls.

Anisa - I know you are probably questioning it as you question everything -- stop it. You're a lifer. :P

I'll have other lifers.... perhaps they're just not in solid concrete form yet. Being soft mushy moldable clay is nothing to downtrod.

How do you know if someone is going to have lifelong status in your life? Maybe its YOU that questions your own value in a friendship with someone. If someone you know blogs like this, trust me, you're a lifer:

Undervalued Assets
Originally posted October 16, 2007

When I don't understand something, the thought of it stays in this little room in my brain, walking the floor over and over until a door opens and bammo! I get it!

Like when I was registering for my wedding shower and all of the sudden really and truly *got* the concept of delayed reciprocity...something I had studied two years prior in an anthro class but didn't sit right with me. This tribe somewhere or other made these huge gifts to each other...basically giving massive gifts of livestock and western goods to each other. Then they just had to sit and wait until it was their turn to be on the end that gets the gifts. This seemed so bizarre to me- delayed reciprocity: you'll get your crap back eventually, but not from the person you gave it to. Then I got married and *got* it: people give gifts to start you off and someday you will give them gifts to start them off, or your parents gave them gifts to start them off, or grandparents and so on. The end result is that everyone gets a start that they alone couldn't purchase because we as a society have entered into a delayed reciprocity covenant with each other about marriage.

I took accounting for lawyers and got the pleasure of learning all about undervalued assets, which lives in that room in my brain where I put things that don't make sense. Basically there are two ways that an asset can be undervalued: a person can have something that the value of is hidden from them- you have a diamond that you think is glass, you have a picasso on the back of a farmhouse painting. The other possibility is that a person has something of value but for whatever reason refuses to see the value in the item or lacks the desire to get the full value. Therein lay my confusion. How can you have something that you should know is precious and believe it to be of little value? We were presented with examples- real estate, offensive but valuable memorabilia, but I still in my head couldn't believe that someone could have a precious stone in their hands and continue to say "what, this old rock?"

The door has opened. I get it now.

If you ever meet my friend Marissa, know that she is a diamond. If your thought is ever to list her in your inventory as a rock you may wish to consult further with your accountant.

Determination Revisited.

Remember the winds 'o change I smelled brewing a few days ago? Nope, that's not summer sausage, girls!!

When I was 29 I went on a big kick that Garth & I were done having babies and it was time for me to kick my body back into shape -- look more like me and less like the wow-we're-breeders body I was sporting. Oh wait, I still am...

I was determined to be 130 lbs by my 30th birthday.
I'm 5 feet 6 inches tall. 130 is awesome.

Didn't happen. I got sidetracked somewhere along the way and veered off course. WAY off course. Had another baby even though we thought we were done, off course. More babies = even more breeders body. yikes!

So 4 years later, I'm still off course but I've got my handy dandy binoculars out and I'm at least pondering the search for the course I fell from.

I spent this entire year charting my weight - each Monday I wrote down what I weighed and dramatically sighed when it sure as hell didn't seem to be vanishing. I am happy to report that from New Years Day 2007 to today, I am officially 2 pounds lighter. Can I get an entire round of dramatic sighs & applause for that one?!

My determination is feeling renewed. My family life is back on track, I feel like I have my best friend back (hey Garth, that's YOU!) and things seem to be feeling ok for the first time in quite awhile in my head. I really want to be healthy. I really really want to be fit not fat. Anxiety and depression do a doozy on your head in that regard. Some say losing weight is all in your head. Guess what? I agree with them.

New goal for remainder of 2007: Reset brain. Enjoy the holidays. Eat & drink in moderation (my girls night out does not equal drinking in moderation by the way...). Get thee's ass back to the freakin' gym. Why don't I go? What the hell is wrong with me? It's my head. Somebody convince my head that I'm worth it. I'm working on it but wow, its tough.

Goal for 2008: Be 135 at my 35th birthday. Lose this weight that I've been carrying for far too long for far too many emotional reasons. Geez woman, you're going to be 35 next year. That's middle age for the life expectancies of most of my relatives. ONLY drinking in moderation -- I don't drink often and that seems part of the problem, like I've got some making up to do in the getting out of the house & celebrating departments -- binge drinking is not good for me. Why do I do it? I'm not 100% sure but I know its not healthy and having an uncle who died at 39 of cirrhosis of the liver should be the wake-up call I need....if that's not, how about the beer belly I appear to be sporting?! ugh. Moving on -- Keep my marriage right on track where it is now or make it even stronger & better.

I'm sure I'll come up with more goals but I really want to focus on the weight, my marriage and my health - both mental & physical. This is going to be my year, I just feel it!!! :)

Umm yeah. Thanks.

What do you say to a friend that couldn't come to your birthday girls night out because she couldn't get a sitter and another friend who was just blatently non-commital, that she'd check her calendar and get back to you but never did and then you turn around at the bar and in they walk together and give you a straight up "deer in the headlights" look when they see you?

When said friends then say -- still with the deer eyeballs -- that they came there to surprise you?

The kicker? I'd never told them where we were going.

I. DESPISE. being. lied. to.

What do you say to friends like these?!?!?!

What do you say to another friend who RSVP'ed she was coming but just 100% stood you up?

What about the handful of friends who just never responded to the invitation at all, not a word?


What I do say is THANK YOU so much to my girlfriends that came -- I had a blast, I felt the love and am so thrilled that you were able to come & celebrate the big 3-4 with me. I had SO much fun, drank FAR too much and wow, my elbow really hurts from falling off my bed last night. I've been told I was a titch out of control, LOL, but yeah well.... binge drinking at its finest. Ugh, I'm soooo paying for it today.

Off to ponder a few of my friendships... for real. And nap. Yes, I could really go for a nice long nap.

Busy! Busy!

I'm always busy. Here, there, everywhere. Like a bad Dr. Suess book. This weekend is no different.

Last night I had drinks with 3 friends I had not seen since high school graduation. Well, one of them I had since she formerly worked with my husband so I saw her a few times at work functions. The other two, not since graduation day. I've known these girls since kindergarten (one since 2nd grade when she was "THE NEW GIRL" -- haha, sorry Becky!). I didn't know what to expect and I'm sure they didn't either. We were all friendly in high school and totally knew each other but I was not within that circle of friends so its not like we were super tight - not tight enough to stay in contact after graduation.

I had so much fun! We gabbed & gossiped and caught up on things that have happened in the past (gasp!) 16 years. I'm really glad I went. One of the girls had just gotten home from a deployment to the war in which I'm opposed to and it was awesome to see the photos she brought with her from there. A true perspective for a civilian of how different it is there than here. She's proud of what she does and enjoys it and I'm proud of her. I can oppose the war and still be patriotic & supportive as heck of our troops!!!

Anyway, like I said, I had a lot of fun and hope that we can do it again someday. I'm really happy I was asked to be included.

note to self:
do not put coat on before pictures nor hunch your body -
geez woman, you look about 300 lbs in this pic!

I've been told I didn't gush enough about my awesome birthday. So ...

My birthday rocked the casbah.
It may have been the best one yet.
If not the best, it ranks right up there at the top 2.

We went to Ukai for dinner - a Japanese hibachi restaurant that is one of my absolute places to eat. We ate lots of mmmm sushi and all had wonderful meals. The kids loved having the chef cook our food right in front of us but the flaming hibachi scared the crap out of E.


In no particular order here are the goods I received in honor of turning 34:

* 2 reclining camping chairs with footrests that i've wanted forever!!
* a new cake/cupcake carrying case to replace my 70s gold tupperware one that all my friends give me shit over.
* some cash money - its going straight on the credit card for Christmas. that's what i get for having a mid-November birthday. eh.
* a new blow brush for my hair like my sister uses at the salon
* 2 yankee candles - clean linen & sage citrus scents

* the new Post Secrets book
* a gift certificate to the mall
* the new Mammoth Crocs (lined with fleece - they rock!)


* a boatload of eyelash stuff (you'd have to be an eyelash whore to understand...)
* J (6) made me a card and put $5 in it -- I tried to give him back his money but he said Daddy gave him the money so I totally kept it.

and last but hardly not least....

drumroll....

* A PINK LEATHER ENGRAVED FLASK!!!! (I've always wanted one but was shocked that 1) I finally received one - no one ever took me serious that every girl needs her own flask, lol and 2) ITS PINK LEATHER!!!


My 3 nieces stayed the night here last night because of the military ball. When I ran out to have drinks with the girls mentioned above (Garth watched the kids), of course I had to run into their MOTHER while I was out. Oops! I laughed, told her the kids were fine, they were watching a DVD in the car and it was all good, I left the heat on. LOL

Tonite I'm having a LADIES NIGHT out with girlfriends.
I. Can. Not. Wait!!! :)

Sir Isaac Newton: Eat Your Heart Out.

W: Mom, is God a boy?

Me: I like to think that He is.

W: I think He is too.

silence as he stares out the window, pondering.

W: Mama?

Me: Yeah, Wah? (that's a nickname)

W: Does God help us stand up and not fall down?

Me: God has helped me stand up and not fall down LOTS of times!

W: Oh.

silence.

W: I learned it was gravity that held us up.

Me: Well yeah that too but God definitely helps!

W: That's what I told my teacher!

God love the 4 year olds in our life. I know I do. We all need one.

I'm 34 today.

I'm officially in my mid-30's today. I remember absolutely ridiculing my sister when I was 21 and she turned 24. Oh how I'd give anything to go back to that tequila-ridden day. :)

If you read my blog today, comment to me. Wish me a Happy Birthday. something! (ANONYMOUS POSTS don't count!!!)

I need feedback people - its the best therapy there is!!! :)

I'm off to get that haircut I talked about a few posts down. Eeeek!!!!

Come on now, $50 for a bathroom rug is insane.

Why? Why does THE bathroom rug I want have to be $50? Knowing me, I'll end up buying it (sorry Garth) and then I'll get it home and hate it.

The last one found the garbage bin last week. It lived a good long, bacteria-laden, hair-collectin' life. It had officially seen the washer & bleach one too many times.

It was a good day today. I got up, showered, dressed, actually put on makeup, got E up, dressed and we were out the door by 10:30. We drove a half hour to the outlet mall that I love and shopped, shopped, shopped. I got B a gift for Christmas at KBToys for a rock bottom clearance price of .97 -- dude. .97 !!! Why can't I find my dang bathroom rug for NINETY SEVEN CENTS?! I looked around for more of these .97 'ers and as luck would have it, it was the only one left. It was like 95% off. How's that for outlet shopping? It had better work when I put batteries in it or knowing me, on principle alone, I'll spend $6 in gas to return a .97 toy.

At 1pm, I met my dad for a birthday lunch at Ruby Tuesdays. Yummy yummy, in my tummy! We had awesome service -- the waiter wanted me. Ohhhh yeahhhhh, I still got it. He even sang in my ear when he brought my birthday sundae which I promply shared with my Dad & E. I've got a girlish figure to maintain, ya know!

Then I was off to exchange kids, lay the baby down, drop off my shopping bags and head back out to get my eyelashes done. I'm just a housewife but I'm vain enough to wear eyelash extentions. That should count toward something in my I've-Still-Got-It-&-I'm-Still-Hot-Even-Though-I'm-Hours-From-Being-In-My-Mid-30s.

After my eyelashes were done, I hit the Target in my old hood. It wasn't the same though. It's been all re-done and I knew where nothing was. Not half as exciting as I was anticipating but hey, it is where I found the $50 bathroom rug I want.

I think I'm cutting today's blog short. I want to get in my jammies, snuggle down in my bed and read before drifting off. When I awake, I'll be 34. Ack!!

I'm reading Pieces of My Sister's Life by Elizabeth Joy Arnold right now. One word: FRUSTRATING! The sister, Eve, is a total punt. I'm trying to cut down on my use of the word punt with a C so I'll just sub in punt from here on out.... you catch my drift though. Excellent read!!

Farewell my 33rd year..... its been a decent year. Not the best, not the worst, but all in all, you were good to me. :)

ONWARD AND UPWARD!!!!!!

I smell change coming.

I don't know what's coming over me but I can smell some changes coming on. I'm even thinking about cutting my hair. Nothing crazy like the last time but perhaps this Marcia Brady past-my-bra-strap hair is a bit much. It's my protest hair. After I cut my hair off to about 2 inches all over 4 years ago and realized before I left the salon that I'd just made a huge mistake, I decided to protest. I protested and only had my hair trimmed for the past 4 years. Its now pretty dang long and I haven't quite figured out why I'm growing it to this obnoxious length but until I figured it out I didn't want to do anything I'd regret again. I think I'm *almost* ready for a change.

I've given up on trying to sell this house until after the next election so I've decided if I've got to live in it, after 6 years, I guess I'd better start decorating it.

I'm getting new bathroom rugs, hanging new pictures and have an odd hankering to paint the living room, my bedroom and my bathroom.

I want some things on my bedroom wall too. Not sure as to what but I'll know when I find it.

Not a good time to be short on cash when my mind is in this mindframe. ;)

I've got my Christmas cards now 85% complete.

Christmas shopping -- about 75% complete.

My goal - have all Christmas related shopping done by December 1.

I'm going to make it. I can just feel it.

I feel on track right now. My kids have been manageable, the house is in ok shape (enough that I'm not panicking over it), school is going well for everyone, we've got more down time since we're between sports seasons, my new meds rock the casbah, my relationship with Garth..... perhaps I should shut my mouth and quit while I'm ahead. I've always been a pessimist. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and if a shoe was dropping, it was going to be mine. I'm trying hard to turn that attitude around.

This is going to be a great 34th year, I can just feel it. Only 2 more days until my birthDAY and 17 days left of my birthMONTH. So far its been an awesome month. :)

Call Me Clueless.

My sister asked me about 2 weeks ago if I wanted to go Christmas shopping with her. HECK YEAH, you don't have to ask me twice! Do two of my favorite things at the same time?! Spend time with my sister and shop?! Sweet, count me IN!

She makes some comment mid week about not going out in sweats & a ponytail and that we should dress decent and wear make-up, it always makes you feel better when trying on clothes. She had a point but I was clueless as to her motive.

10am she picked me up, we went to Target, then to Olive Garden at 11 for some brunch. Then off to the mall and while there she was like preparing me that we'd be out for awhile but she would have to go home "when Dave starts blowing up my phone that he misses me". Girl, please. I've got you to myself, this is our day and we're shopping.

As we exited the mall we ran into my dad & stepmom. That's weird. What are the chances? We never run into them. Heck, my sister & I rarely get out just the two of us anymore and then to run into my dad & stepmom? We chatted really briefly and then my dad said they had to run. That's weird. My dad is usually so warm and welcoming but I really felt the brush off from him. I remarked to my sister as we left the mall that dad was acting all weird that we ran into him.

Still clueless.

After the mall we hit Kohls and man, was I finding the goods! Of course, this is when Dave calls and tells her they should meet at a movie and I was all bummed - I wanted MY time! I didn't want my fun day to end!! So she starts getting all antsy while I was making my final selections and me, still clueless.

"I got a take a shit" she says on the drive home, "I'm going to have to come in".

Still clueless because well, that's my sister and that's how we talk. ;)

We pull up to the house and nothing out of the ordinary.

I see my friend Rachel's son, Willy, in my front window playing and say, "Oh Rachels in town, she must have stopped by".

Clueless.

We walk in, I'm piled down with bags and then I see streamers. and balloons. and people. Lots & lots of people.

"What the hell? What the hell?", I've been told I repeated many times.

A surprise 34th birthday party for me?

What?

I've never had a surprise party thrown for me.

Wow.

My husband did it. He's cooked right in front of me, he's cleaned in front of me, he invited everyone behind my back. No one's slipped, I had no idea, I'm awake at 2am still processing it all.

Either I've got to start paying attention to my surroundings or yeah, I need to start paying attention to my surroundings. I honestly had no clue. Not an inkling of a clue. Not some twinge of "what's going on?", nothing. Pure, through and through cluelessness.

Suddenly it made sense why my sister wanted me to dress nicely and wear makeup. In hindsight its now as Garth explained it, "all part of the plan". My sister said in no way would I want to have walked into that with running pants & a ponytail so she had to say something. She couldn't have been more right.

I had friends & family drive from near & wide and I was simply in awe that some of them drove 1.5+ hours to get here. Especially when some of them are going to do it all again less than a week later for my planned birthday girls night out this upcoming weekend.


It was so wonderful to have those there that mean so much to me and I knew full well there were others not there that wished they could have been. I truly felt the love and am very grateful for it. I needed it.

Kudos to my Garfa. He really pulled a fast one, I really was completely in the dark.

Garth put a ton of effort into it, it was so obvious, he made all my favorite foods and the house was clean and wow, I'm simply in awe of it all actually. It was an effort I really appreciate and am humbled by.

The party was so fun, it was awesome to have everyone sing to me around the dining room table -- I looked around and there was the love. All for me. For me?! The person who feels so worthless and invisible so much of the time?

What an awesome day. To start it off with Garth & the kids, to go shopping & to lunch with my sister and to end it with Garth, my kids, my sister and my circle of family & friends there to surprise the heck out of me. Like I said, I'm still processing it all. My brain feels like its on overload.

If you were here yesterday, thank you. It meant far more to me than you'll ever know and cliche' as that sounds, it seriously couldn't be more true. For those that couldn't make it, I understand. For those who weren't invited but think you should have been, you better get in good graces with my husband & his email address because Sneaky McSneakster had to find some creative ways to get ahold of some of my friends. I know he intentionally wouldn't have left ANY of my friends out.

Thank you Garth. You made yet another birthMONTH awesome for me. I appreciate it, and you, SO MUCH. {muah}

Birthdays, Bellies, Beer & Debauchery

I am fat. I hate being fat. I don't feel good being fat. I'm all for chicks who are voluptuous and love it. I'm all for not damn near killing yourself to prove something to yourself or somebody else. Super skinny is not pretty to me.

I just want to feel like ME again. I want the outsides to match the insides. I want to look in the mirror and actually recognize myself again.

I need to lose 40 lbs. - at least. I've tried South Beach, I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried Nutrisystem, I've tried cutting down, cutting back, cutting out. I have a gym membership to a prestigious health club. Do I go? Nope! My life and kids and MY ATTITUDE get in the way.

I'm not motivated. I take anti-anxiety medication that makes losing weight and keeping it off harder. Not impossible, just harder. That same medication also makes me not give a shit.

But then I see pictures.

ugh.

There's no denying the pictures.

Sometimes, I'll admit, I look great! My personality shines in my smile and eyes and I see a glimmer of who I really am in pictures.

And other times, all I see is the flabby belly of 4 pregnancies, 3 of which ended in c-sections.

The flabby arms.

Hey, I actually like my J-Lo ass. But my thighs, wow, they could use a thigh master. Or a blow torch to blast away the cellulite. Or something.

My husband apparently still has it going on. Last night we were at a friends 40th birthday bash and the birthday girls friend was on him like white on rice. I'm not a jealous person. It didn't even phase me that this chic was grinding on my husbands crotch. Eh, he's a big boy. Maybe if I'd felt threatened it would concern me. Regardless, it upset my husband far more than it bothered me, we actually had to move away from the party and stand at a little distance. He said she was disrespecting me and the fact that she was doing it straight up right in front of me was flat out not cool. I'm positive he was flattered by the attention, no doubt, but I was far more flattered by the way he removed himself from the situation and handled it drama-free. THAT is attractive. In hind sight, now that I've thought about it a little more, I'm proud of myself that I didn't kick that girl in her teeth. You CAN take a girl out of the south side and teach her a little class. My dad would be so proud.

Crotch grinding on a married man who's wife is standing right there? Not attractive.

Husband who would choose me in my ponytail, pajama clad, stressed out, kids hanging off me, overweight body time & time again over some skinny, cute & flirty chic in a bar? Very attractive.

I rewarded him handsomely when we got home.

So I possibly couldn't have cared less at the time about some chic grinding on my husbands crotch yet I'm completely bothered & obsessed with my flabby gut. That same gut that supplied said husband with his FOUR adoring children, three of which were produced in less than 5 years and the youngest one is only a year old. My priorites are screwed up. Either that or that new anti-anxiety medication is working great!!

On an off-shoot, the party was a lot of fun, I'm so glad we were able to make it. The 80's night music was totally da bomb. I'd forgotten how much I knew & loved all those songs and the old-school videos were so much fun. Wow they were so low tech! Did you know that video killed the radio star?!



I'm really thankful for the friendship Garth & I have with birthday girl & her husband. I really like them both and its not often you find a friends couple where everyone truly likes & cares about each other (somebody's always got to be weird and ruin it). I pray our friendships only continue to grow deeper and last a really long time.

I hope the birthday girl had fun last night -- I know I drank enough for her & I both... hmm, I wonder if that belly I hate is because of BEER and not BABIES... something to ponder.... at least until next week when its MY birthday. ;)

Experimentation & Moms Dirty Little Secrets

Conversation yesterday with 13 year old B.

Me: Hey B, have you ever smoked?

B: :rolls eyes: Duh, you know I haven't.

Me: How would I know you haven't? Do any of your friends smoke?

B: No.

Me: What would you say if xxxx offered you a cigarette behind his house or something?

B: I'd say no.

Me: Would you? :raises eyebrows:

B: Yeah, I don't think smoking is cool. Why are you asking me this?

Me: I was just curious. I know you & your friends may start doing crazy stuff just to see what it's like and while experimentation can be really normal it can also be sort of dangerous.

B: When did you first smoke?

: dead silence :

: crickets chirping :

B: Um, Mom?

Me: (deciding honesty is probably best). The 5th grade, with Angie. Behind my house. With grandpa's cigarettes.

: B's eyes are huge :

B: FIFTH GRADE?!

Me: We got caught. It wasn't fun. We didn't do it again. I just want you to be prepared mentally that this stuff is going to happen someday and probably sooner rather than later and I want you to already know where you stand. Smoking isn't cool and it does kill people. If you have a puff off a cigarette, I won't kill you, but I want you to know that but I will be very, very disappointed if you do it more than once with your friends.

B: Um ok, but no one is smoking that i know of.

Me: Good! Are any of your friends having sex?

B: Mom! We're in the 7th grade! That'd be a no.

Me: Hey you'd be surprised. I was just curious.

B: Let me guess, you had SEX in the 5th grade too?

Me: :laughs: That'd be a big hell no!

B: Mom, if I have sex you'll be the first to know about it, ok?

: laughs and leaves the room :

He tells me everything (sometimes even too much) but somehow I doubt I'll be the FIRST person he tells after having sex the first time. This parenting thing is hard work.

I hafta learn science, Mom.

W: Can we make playdough tomorrow?
Me: Maybe, we'll see.
W: Can we make a volcano.
Me: I don't know, maybe.
W: C'mon Mom, we hafta. That's science and I hafta learn science.

dude. he's 4.

W: Mom, I don't know how to read.
Me: I know you don't right now but you'll learn soon and I'll help ya.
W: Science, reading, math, driving.... I'll never learn it all.

-- insert dramatic sigh here made by W --

W: How'd you do it, Mom? How'd you learn everything?
Me: In school and it took some time. You'll be ok, I promise.
W: Did you know cat starts with a C?
Me: See, you're on your way! Cat does start with a C!
W: One thing down, lots more to go.

W leaves the room.

He. kills. me. ;)

I'm in a listing mood today.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER...

10 things I'd like to do within the next 0-5 years:
* sell this house & build our next.
* become an even more eco-friendly family.
* Make a difference in someones life.
* Go on the Disney cruise & vacation again with our kids now that's there's 4 of them, not 2.
* Become a doula or a mortician.
* Lose 40-50 lbs, get healthy & fit and stay that way.
* Get a breast augmentation, tummy tuck & liposuction.
* Feel good about myself again.
* Volunteer more.
* Run naked through a lavender field.


10 things I want to accomplish today:
* shower
* clean the bathroom
* pick up W from school
* keep plugging away at the laundry
* watch Survivor
* finish up the Christmas cards (yes, FINISH them!)
* clean up the perpetually messy living room
* vaccuum
* spend some time with Garth after the kids are in bed
* pray


10 things I like to do:
* read, sleep, eat. repeat.
* do nice things for others
* travel
* spend time with my family
* laugh with Garth & my kids
* parent naturally & live eco-consciously
* swim
* drink beer with friends
* be with my sister
* shop


10 things I despise:
* homophobes
* doing dishes
* having a dirty house
* bad hair days
* irresponsible people
* judgemental people
* deadbeat parents
* people you can't count on
* clutter
* liars


10 things I like about myself:
* my family
* my hair
* my stellar personality
* my creativity & craftiness
* my desire to help others
* my relationship with God
* my teeth
* my ability to be a good & true friend
* my bargain shopping abilities
* my sense of humor


10 things I don't particularly like about myself:
* my anxiety
* my after-babies body
* my laziness & lack of motivation
* my disorganization
* my short temper & lack of patience
* my never-ending exhaustion
* my inability to cook
* my weight
* my forgetfulness
* my back & leg issue that won't go away.

10 positive traits I think describe me:
* funny
* giving
* generous
* loving
* loyal
* fair
* honest
* competitive
* determined
* responsible

A Vicious Cycle.

Its 10:45 am and I was supposed to be at a playdate over an hour ago. Since its a good friend of mine, she understands and is fine with why I haven't shown up yet.

My daughter is still asleep. I mean snoring still asleep. Like I said her name twice in the doorway and she kept snoring still asleep. It's 10:45 in the morning!!!

Her sleep is so off-kilter and it screws with my days. When she's asleep I go on the assumption that she needs it so I'm quiet around the house, tip-toe'ing around to let her do what her body obviously wants or needs to do.

Here comes the cycle. I'm quiet. There's only so much I can do in this house and remain quiet as a church mouse. I have no problem with laundry, its a pretty quiet task. I can pick up the living room to a certain extent. I can't rustle around dishes, can't vaccuum.... by the time she wakes up, its time to feed her, change her, play with her and then I've lost all motivation to clean, vaccuum... it really isn't a pretty cycle.

Shopping online is pretty quiet. Too bad my computer is 6 years old and dying a slow, agonizing and i-may-throw-it-out-the-window-VERY-soon death.

Today I'm up, showered, diaper bag packed, MY SHOES ARE EVEN ON (!!!). I'm ready to go out the door. Dina's got the coffee on and I'm ready to drink some.

First I gave E until 9am and then I was waking her.

snore. snore.

Then I gave E until 10am and then I was truly going to wake her.

snore snore.

call her name twice only to be met by more snores.

Ok, so now its 10 minutes to 11 and at 11, I AM waking her.

will I?

Some days I pray for her to sleep so I can have some time to myself. Today I want her to wake up. I want to go to Dina's. I want her to play with Sydney. I want to drink some of Dina's coffee, dang it. There's always something about Dina's coffee that is so stankin' good - perhaps its just that I didn't make it.

I even want to vaccuum the living room right now.

Ahhhhh the quandaries of my life. If this is as bad as its going to get today, I'LL TAKE IT!!!!

Napoleon and other Dyanamites.

My 6 year old knows almost the entire Napoleon Dynamite movie by heart. I really don't know if that's actually sad or funny but I will say its pretty dang funny watching him reenact entire scenes. He will recite scenes in full detail, proper facial expressions, the whole bit. Its quite an act to watch. Our oldest (13) says we need to YouTube it, he'd be famous.

Tonite while we were eating dinner, J was doing the dance scene for us. Being a little bit nerdy and a little bit rock & roll himself, J managed to nail the dance scene and strangely looks a lot like Napoleon while doing it. I thought I might choke on my yummy burger (perfectly rare, Garth, way to go, thanks!!!).

It was a good, tame day. I think B & E are both coming down with colds. E was pretty low key and easily entertainable today so that was nice. I managed to get some laundry done, go to the post office, pick up W from school and score a 2 hour nap this afternoon.

It's Nov. 6 ~ 6 days into my birthmonth. I'm still winning the "Be Nice To Garth For One Entire Month" challenge and that feels pretty good. All in all, a good but pretty non-productive day. We all need those once in a while.... or often, or whatever. :)

The Undertaking.

The weirdest thing happened to me this week.

A little backstory:
Those who closely know me know that my goal of becoming a mortician got lost along the way. I haven't completely let the dream die but its reality gets smaller and smaller with each child born and as the years seem to slip away from me.

6+ years ago I met my friends Lisa & Dana on a pregnancy message board for July 2001 moms. Lisa & I had an instant connection when we learned our first born children were so close in age and that we were now both pregnant with our 2nd children. Lisa's oldest daughter is autistic and I had worked with autistic children prior to my oldest sons birth which gave us even more to discuss.

Dana & I hit it off immediately when our stellar, obnoxious & over-the-top outgoing personalities collided & meshed together like a musical medley. Dana's middle child was born with an extremely rare genetic condition called Cardio-Facio-Cutaneous Syndrome, or CFC for short (read more about it here: http://www.cfcsyndrome.org/ ). It was through Dana and falling in love with her daughter Camden in person that I learned more of this rare condition. My pregnancy message board days are no more but these friendships have gone on to become something much more than some "online buddies from some message board" to very true, solid and lifelong relationships that I would miss terribly if they were no longer in my life.

Ok so back to the wierdest thing this week:

Lisa emails me and tells me she stumbled upon a show on PBS that she knew I'd love. It was called The Undertaking and it chronicles several families who are about to and/or who have very recently lost close relatives in a small town of Michigan. A lot of it is told through the eyes of the undertaker, who is also a poet, and gives details of the hows, whys & whats that an undertaker undertakes in dealing with death & dying. Totally the mortuary science that I really get into. Kudos to Lisa in that respect for pointing me in the direction of this film. I would LOVE to do an internship of some kind at the Lynch & Sons funeral home. They appear to be amazing, kind people.

Sadly, after looking into the film further, I learned that Lisa had seen its last viewing scheduled on PBS.

Happily, I learned that I could watch the entire episode plus a few extra segments at PBS online.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/undertaking/

This morning I received an email from Dana regarding the film. She had received an email from one of the women featured in the documentary through the CFC International Foundation. Coincidentally, one of the stories featured is of a 26 month old, Anthony, who has CFC. Rare genetic disorder, remember? How ironic that this film is right up my alley with the mortuary stuff AND it has a child featured in it that has the same RARE genetic disorder as one of my very good friends' children AND this family featured live only about 40 minutes from me?!

The woman in the movie is amazing. She is totally someone I'd want to be friends with. Straight-forward, funny but just simply "real" as she is interviewed multiple times during the dying process and memorial & burial arrangments of her 2 year old son Anthony. Heartbreaking reality at its finest, Nevada (the mom) was documented experiencing this undoubtedly, tremendously tough time with such class, amazing composure & grace and was a true testament to what being a mom is all about. Nevada read Anthony's eulogy herself at his memorial service. It was amazingly written, strongly spoken and heart-warming. Nevada & her husband Anthony, along with each of their fathers were the only pall-bearers of Anthony's casket and they alone lowered him into the ground. Amazing strength and such very, very real people & emotions.

If you have the time, its a totally reality check to watch the documentary via the internet. If you have the cash, its a totally awesome thing to donate to the CFC Foundation. I know I have, and will continue to do so, and it was money well spent.

I crack myself up with my ghetto abilities!

Oh the Christmas cards. Oh MY, the Christmas cards. Yup, they'll be done early this year. The pictures have arrived and look great! The cards, which had already been purchased, plus the pictures, well, probably not the best match together fit-wise. BUT, I like the pictures and I like the cards so together they will be... even if it took some creative imagination to get them to somewhat work together.

Poor W. So short in stature that the photo card frame crops him right out of sight.

SuperMama Christmas Card Maker to the rescue, ghetto style!

I hole punched a place in the picture frame for his little face to stare out of.

I'm dying of laughter as I even type this.

I showed my sister-in-law when she dropped off B this afternoon and we both laughed almost to the point of tears.

She said, "Oh Marissa, how YOU!" and then laughed even harder.

If you're on my Christmas card list, and you receive a card from me, expect it to be a little bit Christmas and a little bit ghetto. But 100% all ME, wishing YOU a Merry Christmas just the same.

So, after you get my Christmas card, feel the love it brings & display it proudly throughout the Christmas season, throw the ghetto card away and keep the awesome pic of my family, ok? Thanks. :)

Getting back to nature.

A few years ago, Garth & I bought a 9.5 acre piece of heaven. It's just enough off the beaten path of city life to be uber-quiet & deer-filled but not far enough that I'll have to pack snacks for the kids for a "ride into town for sundries" or anything.

Garth goes out there ALL the time (and yeah Garth, don't deny it, those aren't deer trails, those are GARTH trails). I go out there only like 2-3 times a year. I love it there but it depresses me that its going to be like forever til we live there so I tend to stay away.

We took a trip there yesterday with the 3 youngest kids, B was staying the weekend with his aunt (not the SIL I don't like BTW, I like this one very much!). It may have been THE perfect fall day. Garth burned some brush and I wandered around with the kids, eating cheezits and taking pictures. I feel so peaceful there, the trees are tall and strong. There are big plans there, you can just feel it. We know where our house will go, where the barn will be with out pet goats, where we'll someday have alpaca grazing, where we'll have a huge garden, an inground swimming pool, etc... oh the plans. Thank you George Bush for keeping my dream on hold with this sucky war-torn economy (I'm already against the next war, by the way).

We were like the Jeffersons "movin' on up" when we bought our huge 5+ bedroom home 6 years ago yet we feel (and sometimes act!) like the Clampetts trying to get out of it now. No one is buying big houses. Who knew when we bought this awesome dream home that someday we'd dream to actually get more back to our roots, more at one with the earth, live far more green than we currently do and ultimately, downsize. Who knew. Just who knew?

This old bench awaits us. I will find a place for this deteriorating thing somewhere on our property when we live there. We found an old horseshoe too. I'm going to put that somewhere in our house or barn for sure.

Teaching them young the art of a good tree hug:

So its Day 4 of my birthmonth and Garth dared me yesterday that I couldn't not give in to my OCD tendencies and go to Michael's for something that could wait until today's 40% off coupon came. It was actually hard! I was more determined to prove him wrong and prove to myself that I could do it than I was to take the trip for the $3 item and I did it!! Garth congratulated me this morning for not caving in to my bizarre idiosyncrasies and dared me to prove him wrong that I couldn't be nice to him for an entire month. I laughed and knew I probably couldn't do it but I guess to prove him wrong, I'm going to try. I like a good challenge!