Auld Lang Syne.

Goodbye 2009.
You've been a roller coaster,
a whirlwind.
I'm thrilled you're over.
Onward and upward.
In an awesome direction this time.

a letter to my editors -

Dear Garth, Mom & Dad,

I somehow just managed to 4.0 another semester of college. I now have a 3.73 GPA. It hasn't always been that way, college grades have never come easy for me -- it takes a lot of 4.0's to raise oneself from a completely unfocused 1.9 GPA. Sometimes it was just plain impossible to envision there would ever actually be a finish line.

Thank you for believing in me, always encouraging me to never give up on my goals & dreams. I couldn't do any of this without all of you in my corner.
Love,
Marissa

Proverbs 3:5,6 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

impatiently patient.

Like the old 'open, open, open' tapping on the glass Mervyn's commercial, I am ever-so-patiently waiting for my semester grades to be posted.

I'm pretty sure the update button must be broken or sumpin' on the website.

I don't know who's more excited about this term's grades - me or my dad.

Fall term '09 is officially

OVER.

I actually, surprisingly, feel some sense of letdown.
What the hell am I going to do with myself now?!

Yes Garth, laundry & cleaning & all the other things that have fallen by the wayside thanks to school. Yes yes, I know honey.

It's finals week.

The end of the term.
It's finally here.
It couldn't have come soon enough for me.

All papers now complete & turned in.
Electronically submitted my last paper 5 minutes ago.
Nothing like waiting 'til the 11th hour.

Two exams remain.
Both tomorrow.
Fingers crossed.

I need a vacation.

rip 'yer hair out busy.

I keep reminding myself I can do this because I AM doing this.

My brain is bursting at its seams. I'm not sure my skull can hold it all. It's the final 2 weeks of school. Lab reports due, a chemistry assignment due, a take home quiz is due as well as four papers this week.

I keep reminding myself I can do this because I AM doing this.

I have one more lab, two more lectures and two final exams. Two finals I have even yet to begin studying for. I haven't had time!

I need this term to be over. My brain, nor morale, can take much more. I cannot believe I took these two overly-informative-for-just-one-term classes in the same semester. I had no choice and as I reflect I'm reminded the next four terms are not only not going to be better, but more challenging.

I keep reminding myself I can do this because I AM doing this.

I keep pushing forward at work, working whenever they ask, even if I have a paper due the next day. I want to be the one they refuse to let get away once mortuary school is complete. I cannot express how much I love my job and the company I work for. I fit in. I've rarely fit in places in my life and I fill a part of my soul there that I've never filled before. It means that much to me.

I keep reminding myself I can do this because I AM doing this.


“You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make.” -Gorden B. Hinkley

Hey Dad...

So I know hearing I received a 59% on Unit 2 in Cellular Biology wasn't your proudest moment...

How does a 93% for Unit 3 sound?

I astound even myself sometimes.

My dad wants me to update my blog. He said there's no way I can just leave him hanging with a 'yay, i failed an exam...' entry.

So Dad, I'm currently at an 85% in Cellular Biology even with that atrocious exam score and have a solid 4.0 in Religion. Happy?

Love,
Your
'I really am smart even though I totally bomb exams sometimes'
favorite daughter

yesssssssss!!!!

A computer calculating error changed my Biology exam II grade from a 56% to a 59%.

Ahhhh, it's the little things.

redeeming.

So it won't improve my Biology grade any but I got my Religion Exam II back and scored a whopping 100%. It was actually 100% + 13 bonus points but he only recorded it as 100%.

I guess I'm NOT as dumb as my Biology Exam II made me feel...

Nothing else crazy to report other than Boy2 is sick (fever, puking, lots of sleepy time). Hoping & praying it doesn't take down the rest of us.

it's ok.

A 56%.

That's what I got on my Unit 2 Biology exam yesterday.

::sigh::


It's pretty much the grade I went in expecting, I really didn't understand this entire unit. During the exam I thought I was actually doing better, feeling ok about the questions. When the computer gave me my automated grade upon hitting 'submit', I sighed. Just as originally expected.

I could have studied longer - but it wouldn't have made much of a difference. I just couldn't comprehend the material. It was like reading an article in Greek and then taking an exam on it - it was still Greek, and I don't speak Greek. I even attended 2 tutoring sessions over it and I.Still.Could.Not.Speak.Greek (or unit 2 of cellular biology in this case).

Thankfully our lowest exam grade is dropped and replaced with an assignment we completed earlier this term. I received an 89% on it so I feel much better knowing that. Let's just hope exams 3 & 4 go better than a 56% !

Something unexpected happened this week though; I didn't over stress regarding this exam. No tears were shed, no cold sore appeared on my lip & I didn't let my anxiety get the better of me. I felt confident I wouldn't do well, knew there really wasn't a whole lot I could do about it and allowed the perfectionist in me to just let it go.

I received a 56% on an EXAM. Yes, it's a bitter pill to swallow.
But, the world kept spinning and moving forward and I'm fine.
I don't have to be perfect all the time, or even try to be.
I'm fine with that. Now that's progress.

blessed.

Happy 15th Birthday to the boy who changed my life.

On his birth day, I received the greatest gift.

The gift of being his Mom.

heard me cackling lately?

my blog is getting boring.
i'm considering shutting 'er down.

i don't have time like i once did to blog.
i wish i did as so much goes on in my days, and brain,
than in years' past.

in summary:
my life is good.

i am in love with my family.
i adore my friends.

my job rocks socks.
a 2nd family i have surely found.

my depression is still Gee-Ohh-Enn-E
gone.
what did i do? i prayed it away.
don't believe me? you don't have to.

fall term is going...
its not going to be another 4.0 term
and you know what? that's ok.

at work i've now buried far too many people
my own age, one that i even knew.
know what i've learned from that?
this earthly life is really, really short --
no time for a dress rehearsal.
this is it. live it up. or don't.
your choice.
i'll never apologize for being the life of the party.
i'll dance like its my last party.
the sad reality is, it just might be.
it's better to live, even with regrets
than to have never lived it up at all.

i find myself laughing a lot lately.
i don't take even one cackle for granted.

transformation.

The following Post Secret summarizes one of the best gifts I've given myself this year:

I feel it through & through ~ transforming me into a better, happier, even more outgoing (as if that's possible!), nicer person. I can't describe how heavy that burden of self-consciousness felt or how freeing it was to genuinely let it go.

amazing.

what a weekend i've had so far. simply amazing!! in so many facets. i've had so much fun. laughing, crying, hugging, appreciating. laughing at funny things & often some deeply pathetic shit too.

to my tight creep peep girls, i love you long time. madly, deeply & truly real. my life is enriched by your presence.

cheers! ::clink::

2 year olds shouldn't die.

Last night I worked a visitation for a 2 year old that died of leukemia. 2 year olds shouldn't die.

Her casket was just as ornate as a full size one, just scaled down so small. I'd seen infant caskets and they are different; small, simple, cloth covered boxes that 1 person can carry. This casket struck me in how solid it was, yet small, but it's still going to take 4 people to pall bear it vs. the normal 6-8 for an adult.

She looked absolutely beautiful. Perfect. Sleeping. Her hands still had the trademark infant dimples across her knuckles. I always feel sad when my children lose them, it's the truly last mark of infancy that remains. I immediately reached out and touched her beautiful little hands. I just had to.

What a reminder of how short life really can be. 'This isn't a dress rehearsal', Michelle told me just yesterday. This is it, the only shot you get to do it right, wrong or otherwise.

This weekend I'll be helping celebrate another life that was unfortunately cut far too short, a life that has touched so many: http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/ I hope this fundraiser stretches far & wide and is a huge success, giving the foundation the ability to help others who face such tragedy. May God bless both these families.

though i fear...

“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We're afraid.”

“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We will fall!”

“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.

And they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire, 1880-1918
French Poet, Philosopher

...

I am woman.

Hear me roar.

I am woman.

I am exhausted.

no more negative nelly.

For every positive about myself, I usually pair it with a negative.

I have pretty blue eyes... but I have big thighs.
I am a good friend... but I have jiggly arms.
I have awesome hair... but I have an ugly nose.

See a trend here? Do you do this too?
I've lived my whole life doing this, torturing myself essentially, but since this is the year I deemed the year of fixing what wasn't working for me, I'm trying to break free from the mold.

I'm feeling needy. I am learning to admit this, to myself & outloud to Garth, when the feeling hits. I feel insecure; about myself, about school, about my decisions regarding school, about my marriage. I desperately need reassurance & I hate the way that feels.

I'm trying to remain positive and leave no room for negative.
It's harder than it appears.

Psalm 118:24 says,

"This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."

Today I woke up next to my husband & I smiled.

Today I sent my oldest son to high school.

Today I sent my middle son to 3rd grade.

Today I sent my youngest son to 1st grade.

Today I sent my baby to her 1st day of daycare.

Today we are all healthy, our physical needs all met.
(does secretly wishing for a ruby ring constitute a need?!)

Today I will study & feel blessed I am able to attend school.

Today I will work & feel blessed I have a great job.

Today I see my life differently;
my family, my friends, my needs & most importantly,
my marriage
than I did just a year ago.

Today I am not depressed.

Today I see my blessings, and even my problems,
and I rejoice in them.

Thank you Lord, for this day.

i'm in.

i was accepted to mortuary school.

i should be elated.

i am.

BUT...

a class i'd already taken,
eons & eons ago,
back when i really didn't give 2 shits about college,
came back to haunt me.

i hadn't done well enough in it to transfer the credit.
an equivalent class no longer exists at my college.

i have to take a higher level class,
an overkill if-you-will,
just to make up this credit.

this class is going to test me.

not knowing i needed it beforehand,
i scrambled.
signing up today,
on the very last day possible to do so,
puts me almost 2 weeks behind already.

this class, a biology class...
this ain't your basic biology 101 class.
this one involves straight up chemistry.
i've never taken chemistry.

i'm taking chemistry in mortuary school.
NEXT.TERM.
see the problem here?

patience, prayers, practice.
one day at a time.
one assignment at a time.
one test at a time.
i won't ace this class.
but i WILL pass it.
damn it.

oh, did i say i got into mortuary school?
i've waited half my life to be able to say that.
{sigh}

no turning back now.

My application to school was sent off into the cosmos yesterday. I hope the cosmos carries it around, splashing it with pixie dust & meteor juice, delivering it safely onto the Registrar's desk very soon.

Barring something I totally missed, I'm honest when I say I'll be shocked as shit if I don't get accepted. Still, I'll still be on pins & needles until I have that official acceptance or denial letter in my hands.

Just in case, I hope meteor juice has magical lucky powers.

answered prayers.

When people ask me what happened
I say I'm really not sure
I know I wept & asked God
how much more I'd endure

I asked Him if He felt the urge
To let my anger go
To show me there's a better path
A different way to grow.

I begged I prayed I asked again
Depression, God, why me?
The pain the sorrow all the tears
Why burden this on thee?

For years the hole just grew
so deep and dark and big
I had no idea how to get out
So I just learned how to dig.

One night I prayed real hard
My dreams, so very bad
I awoke confused & with a start
but GONE was the sadness I'd had.

Its never come back
I try to explain
I finally feel hope
never once I'll complain.

I love this man Garth
but I'd lost my way
I thank my God
each & every day...

Thank you God
for bringing him back
for second chances &
forgiving all that I lack

I vow to you both
to never forget
Unconditional love
& 2nd chances you get.

So what happened to me?
I don't really know
but I'm convinced of His light
& now letting it show.
--Marissa--

it's that time again.

School starts Monday. This term I have just one class & I'm so excited that its my very last prerequisite to fulfil state requirements.




Shamelessly, I'm really proud of myself & my life right now. I didn't know I actually had it in me to get my life on a better track, be better, be happier, "fix" things & follow through with all of this. Without doubt, I'm a work in progress but I thank God (& Garth) each day for walking me beside me.

And here I am, filling out the paperwork for Mortuary School.

Onward & upward.

6 is my favorite number.

Sent to me today from Garth:

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong
~ Sheelagh Lennon ~

my achilles heel healed.

I thought babies would be my achilles heel to this profession.

I've now seen 3 babies at our funeral home. While incredibly sad, I never felt a connection to them -- they were somebodies baby, they were undoubtedly loved, but they weren't my baby if that makes sense. Those 3 babies definitely brought more emotion than someone in their 90's who lived a long, full life though. However, I still felt a sense of disconnect. My boss says its ok to feel a respectful disconnect with the deceased, its a normal protection mechanism, as long as you stay connected with the living whom you are serving.

I've now seen my 1st homicide victim. She brought me to the achilles heel, the absolute can-i-really-do-this moment of questioning myself. I've been deeply affected by this woman's cut too short life. I won't let myself get too emotionally involved, I just can't, but I've spent a lot of time thinking of this woman, who was close to my own age, what her last moments must have been like and her freshly pedicured toenails. I know, I know... toenails?! Incredibly odd that toenails got to me but I can't help but wonder if she had any inkling it would be her last pedicure. Surely she didn't. That makes me so incredibly sad.

I've also now seen my 1st autopsied body as well. Woah. Thankfully I was completely overcome with fascination & awe, not nausea. It was a lot to take in though that's for sure.

I recently received both my letters of recommendation for mortuary school. My two bosses had such wonderful things to say about me -- though one of my bosses joked that his letter is chock full of lies. I work with the most fun people, seriously. A lot of people can't claim they love their job. I love my job.

My mortuary school application goes in next week when my transcripts, including my summer class, will be ready. I'm excited, nervous, anxious... but mostly feeling really excited.

Not only can I really do this, I am really doing this.

TWO POINT OH

I maintained the same weight, within a 3 lb. range for well over a year. A feat I have never accomplished before during my adult life, and having done it after a 55 lb. weight loss was nothing short of frickin' fantastically amazingly wonderful.

And then?
I gained 15 lbs. in the past 3 months.

no. No. NO. NO!!!!
I can pinpoint the reasons but I don't have to like them.

This morning I biked 5 miles, walked for 1.
A healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch.
I've decided 29 lbs. are going to come off this frame.
Back to my original weight loss goal & then some.

Back in the saddle for Weight Loss Project 2.0
Watch me shrink. Again.

nerds unite.

I'm now officially just 1 class away from mortuary school. My summer term class is now complete.

I received my final paper back. I received 150 points out of 150 points possible. How the hell I did that I'm not entirely sure.

Test scores, other than the final, have been posted. I took 19 tests during the term. Overall score? 98%.

The final exam late last week was 250 questions, worth 250 points toward my final grade. I figured out yesterday I could miss more than 70 questions of the 250 and I'll still be 4.0'ing the class. Missing 70+ questions ain't gonna happen.

I'd really like to end this class with a 99%. I'm excited that I hold a strong chance at it. A far cry from the 1.9 GPA I was pulling in college right out of high school, huh Mom?!

I love doing well. I love doing what I love. It feels really good.

**UPDATE**
I received my final grade Wednesday morning - 4.0!! I didn't receive a final % but it had to be in the upper 90's as I received a 96% on my final exam. Woohoo!

'lil Jacko turns 8.

Better late than never is this post.

In mid-July we celebrated Jackson's 8th birthday. It was a great day filled with fun, sun, friends, miniature golf & arcade games... and one awesome ice cream cake that Daddy made. I think if you view the pictures you'll see the gift that really made the day too. Big thanks to the grandparents and Aunt Dee & Uncle Dave for helping make Rock Band happen.

Happy Birthday Boy2, Mama loves you so much that it hurts.

gone too soon.

Yesterday I witnessed my 3rd baby at work.

So tiny.
So very, very tiny.
He was fully formed, so perfect.

I could have held his entire body with just one hand.

I was told he actually lived for a few minutes.
But now he is still.

He was an absolutely beautiful little person.

The first 2 babies I've seen were somehow easier than this one. I don't know how or why... but this one was harder. He was taken far too early from not only his parents, but the womb he grew in.

I'm overcoming the mental hurdles I know I need to tackle but there are days, like yesterday, that are the real tests to those who can succeed in this business and those who simply cannot.

I'm still in it, even if I get choked up once in awhile.

busy busy busy

We've been busy. So very, very busy.

School - I'm at a solid 97% halfway through the summer term.

The house outside is looking awesome - new mulch, trees trimmed, bushes whacked (some got new haircuts, others lost their lives altogether), garden growing & new plants around the flagpole where the bushes once resided. I did a lot of this yard work myself which is shocking to not only onlookers but to myself as well. The weather has been mild & very tolerable and I very well may have been outside more in the past few weeks than I was last summer altogether. I'm pretty sure Garth wonders whats gotten into me as I'm quite the 'indoor air-conditioning' type of gal but since even I don't know the answer, we're just running with it.


We need to keep working on decluttering the inside of our house - the rooms we've done look miraculous. Our 4 kids do a doozy on our house and G & I aren't exactly meticulous 'lil peeps ourselves.

The kids are busy with sports, camps, friends, the sprinkler, fighting, bickering, fireworks lightin' (Garth went a little overboard with our fireworks purchase this year by just a titch) & a side dish of a little more arguing, quarreling & whining thrown in for good measure.


G is busy with work, I work when the kids' camps driving schedules allow. I wish it was more often but what can ya do? I did get offered a 4 day per week semi-set schedule helping with visitations in addition to my regular position. I joke that one day I'll own the place. The reality is I don't want to own the place. Just work there. Long term. I pray the right position opens up for me at this company once I'm done with school and if it isn't to be there, that it will be somewhere as friendly, flexible and awesome.

G & I took a fun weekend trip and toured my new school. AWESOME. SCARY. EXCITING.
Admittedly it's going to be a tough year (academically, emotionally, physically) but worth it. Having Garth's unwavering support through this is unexplainable, heart-warming amazing. I am at a loss for words as to how grateful I feel for that.

My baby boy got his braces on, finally.

Do I dare say it?
I'm happy.

Busy as hell but happy. Happier than I've been in a really, really long time, if not ever. I'm so thankful God showed me the way and that this time I listened rather than once again assuming I selfishly knew best. I've been greatly humbled, I've been loved even when I was loveless, I've been saved. My depression has been lifted, I feel hope again in not only my marriage but in my family, in my life, in my future. My head feels clearer than its ever felt despite having more swirling around in there than ever. I feel peace. I feel content. I feel loved. I feel gratitude. I feel alive.

record keeping.

I just got my grades from 5 of the 8 tests I've taken so far for my class. Of a possible 150 points I've earned 145. Not too shabby but to know me is to know I'm peeved that I missed the 5 points I did.

I turned in today the one paper due for this course ~ that's actually due a month from today. Knowing its done & out of the way is a huge relief.

I'm cruising along, hoping the next few terms come as easy as this one class has to me.

I'm not holding my breath.

goodness.

I had no idea.

A job I love.

School.

4 kids
home for the summer.

Laundry,
dishes,
meals,
entertainment,
refereeing.


Oral surgery completed, summer camps galore, a few short trips planned, doctors appointments, orthodontist appointments, school clothes shopping. Birthday parties, sports tournaments, and 3 chapter tests per week. A paper due, Fathers Day and still working on The Love Dare. School transcripts, letters of recommendation and application processes.

The bathrooms are dirty, the floors shouldn't be eaten off from. I can't find my favorite tank top and 2 stores are currently out of my favorite conditioner. I desperately need a massage, a manicure & a pedicure.

I've never been busier.
In a lot of ways I've never been more stressed.

I've probably never been happier.
Or hopeful.
Or blessed.

Or tired.

reality bites, but not always.

Reality Check = a chance to regroup, reprioritize & reroute. I said that to a friend of mine yesterday. We all need reality checks once in awhile. They are true blessings in disguise.

While I wish the past few months (years) never happened to my husband & I, I also take the opportunity to feel blessed that it did. Something truly had to give and in the time apart I was able to receive the reality check I so desperately needed. A real knock upside the head of who I was, who I wasn't vs. who I wanted to be. I was given the blessing of a chance to regroup, reprioritize and reroute my life ~ off the path of anger, resentment & the never-ending blame game.

I truly now see life differently. I'm not a different person, I'm still just oh-so-flawed me, but I do have a different outlook, different goals and most importantly, different expectations of both myself and others.

I realized yesterday I am falling in love with my husband all over again. I'd like to think he sees how unconditional my love has been and feels it too. I'm in this til the end.

a good day.

Today is Thursday. Not any significant Thursday, just a Thursday. Yet I woke up today and told myself (out loud even),

"today will be a good day".

Today was a good day.
I'm going to wake up and tell myself that (out loud even) every day.