Survival 101: Snowcessities

Currently we're in a "state of emergency".

I can actually hear sirens and wait, what was that? A bomb shelter/warning alert I hear going off in the distance as I type this? Seriously, I just did! This is some crazy shit. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, there's a hella snowstorm going on out there!

I'm at school, away from my family (who are safe, thank goodness) and hunkered down with essential survivalist supplies: cold beer & great friends. Now where should one hang out during the great Snowcapalypse of '11? Don't think too hard, don't make it harder on yourself than it has to be. Ahhh, there you go, you guessed it. The local funeral home. Great news folks, we're all gonna die!!! I'm a planner ~ can't say *I* wasn't prepared.

As we watched the snow fall in bucketfuls last night, we strolled through the casket selection room and I picked out the casket I wanted. Eli pointed out the urn he wanted if he had to be cremated, though that's not the method of disposition he wants, but just in case. You know, because the Snowtorious B.I.G. is definitely upon us and this thing is gonna be epic (per the news advising the old, the young, the healthy, the feeble and even the animals to stay inside & off the roads -- silly news anchor, animals can't drive!).

The news had THE GREAT BLIZZARD OF '11 flashing across the tv screen all day & night. It was kind of funny, a little bit scary, a lot of crazy and well, I'm in the right place should it all go down badly... in the meantime, pass me another beer while we wait this historical moment out, wudya?

home stretch.

One month from today I will leave this place and head back home to live full time, beginning my new life as a funeral director.

I am so excited.
I am so nervous.

I will miss this place.
And the people who reshaped my life.
(however, i surely won't miss everyone...
there's been some bitches up in this place!)

I'm looking forward to my future.
I'm thrilled to be able to say that
and truly, truly mean it.

Zzzzzzz.

Garth says I, hands down, sleep far more than any person he's ever known. Is that a compliment?

Sleep has always been my friend. I love sleep. I LOVE naps.

I have sleep apnea, diagnosed in my late 20's though undoubtedly with me my entire life. I dragged myself through my teens and early 20's, always tired, medically sleep deprived.

I snore. Like nobodies business. I've been fat, I've been thin, it's not weight related. I just snore. I could have a surgical procedure thay may or may not help. I've never wanted to try it but snoring has embarrassed me more than I ever care to admit.

I sleep with a dreaded c*pap machine most some nights. It helps incredibly, though not perfectly, but I loathe its cumbersome mask and tubing. I feel so unsexy and embarrassed tethered to this humming machine. I don't even like wearing it when I'm alone. It's just completely uncool.

In complete contrast to being such the lover of sleep, I'm actually quite the morning person. I am wide awake early in the morning, too cheerful for most but raring to go. This unfortunately lasts only about 2 hours and then I'm ready for a 2-hour nap. Since most days I am unable to take a nap, I live on caffeine, usually black coffee. I don't think I could function without it. It is truly my drug of choice.

I also dream during all this sleep. Vivid, action packed, bizarre dreams. I remember most in great detail though the details become fuzzier as the day progresses.

Lately, there's been a change. If left undisturbed, I will sleep until at least noon. Today I slept until almost 1pm. I went to bed at 11pm! Is that normal?! I'm taking it as a sign of how exhausted I am. This past year is hitting a pinnacle for me even though it's actually almost over. I'm hitting the physical, mental, and emotional wall of everything in life coming down on me at once.

How do I handle it?
I sleep.

Here's to one crazy year.

Here's to an equally crazy or even scarier year ahead.

And I said to myself,
"Self, goodbye 2010, hello 2011.
Best of luck to you... you're gonna need it."

wrapping it up with a bow.

I really need to post about something other than school, I realize. If only I had something in my life that absorbed anywhere near the amount of time or energy! I'm catching my blog up to speed and then moving on to spend the holiday with my family and forget about school for the upcoming week. Only 8 weeks of school til graduation!!!!

Transcripts for 3rd quarter are in:

Anatomy: 109%
Chemistry: 96%
Embalming: 86%
Funeral Directing: 94%
Mortuary Law: 98%
Microbiology: 106%
Psychology: 109%
Restorative Art: 94%
Accounting: 93%
Pathology: 99%
Communications: 106%
History of Funeral Service: 78%
(I find this class about pyramids & Greeks & other incredibly boring topics so ::yawn:: that I barely pay attention & it shows)

3rd quarter GPA: 97.82%

My lab grades (Restorative Art, Embalming & Anatomy) are all cumulative and won't show up until my 4th quarter transcripts. The above classes of the same names are for lecture.

Cumulative GPA: 98.42%
----------------------------------------------------------

Last projects of 3rd quarter Restorative Art lab.
I'm now working on an entire skull.

hard to read but that's a 96%:

75%

that's how much I've accomplished.
I'm officially 75% through mortuary school.

I have yet to get my 3rd quarter transcripts but by my calculations, I'm still holding strong at a solid 97/98% overall GPA. Not too shabby by most peoples standards but not worthy of the 1st place keyholder status any longer.

I'm ok with it.
It's been a ridiculous strain.
FOR MONTHS.
I've actually lost sleep over, "If you don't finish 1st, you're last."
Utterly.F*cking.Ridiculous.

I know how hard I've worked,
how many times I wanted to quit...
but didn't.

The pressure I've felt the past 9 months over "finishing first" is gone. Not everyone can do it and apparently I'm one of them. The relief, not regret, I feel from this ephiphany is humbling...
yet liberating as shit.

The reality is, at graduation,
the only difference between their degree and mine
will be our names.

If by some strange twist of fate I earn that top spot, there will never be a moment I look at my fellow top students and forget how hard it was for every one of us to jockey our positions near the top or how frickin' ridiculous the stress over it really was.

Only I will own this degree.
Only I will know what it truly took to earn it and
I'm proud of myself.

It's about damn time I figured that out.
I'm running out of prescription pills to handle that insanity anyway.

One Thousand.

That's how many thoughts run through my head momentarily, hourly, daily.

My kids.
Garth.
Garth with the kids.
Their resilience amazes me.

My marriage.
makes me nervous. anxious. terrified.
This time apart has been hard on us both.

Every week there is also
Funeral Directing, Mortuary Law, Chemistry.
Anatomy, Psychology, Pathology, Embalming.
Microbiology, Restorative Art, Public Speaking.
Funeral History, Restorative Art lab.
Accounting, ugh, Accounting.

Quizzes, tests, midterms, papers, finals.

Once a week Embalming Lab at the county morgue.

Money. Tuition. Christmas.
A roommate, an apartment, rent, utilities.
A 4 hour weekly commute, gas prices.
Guilt.

I don't have an apprenticeship for next year yet.

There are no Saturdays out to cut loose.
I don't have time for my friends anymore.
It saddens me to no end.

I run on fumes daily
My brain never shuts off
I don't know how I'm doing this
Yet it feels like I've been doing it forever
I honestly don't remember my life before this
For the most part, I don't want to.

I want school to come to an end
It's truly unimaginable, no real words to describe
how mentally and physically exhausting.

I don't want school to come to an end
The future frightens me.
------------------------


Time out for a quick bragging moment:
The girl who doesn't have an artistic bone in my body -- shit, I don't even know how to decorate my home -- received the 2nd highest grade in my Restorative Art Lab twice now! An average class grade on these are about an 88.

Currently working on a set of lips.

so so busy

Short update -- Midterms, with one more left to go:

Organic Chemistry: 96%
Microbiology: 98%

I have no idea how I'm doing it this term. I'm studying a lot less, I've lost my mojo, my brain is in 1000 places other than school... but I'm still hanging in there & cramming when necessary.

4.5 months left to go 'til graduation.

Dear Dad,

I know you ask me to update my blog more often so you can keep up with what I'm doing but the past few months I've been busier than I thought it's humanly possible to be. 14 classes this term is seriously stretching my limits. We started our morgue practicum down at the county morgue and wow, I sure chose a *small* county, eh? I've seen the cooler full... that's 300+ bodies. I don't think you can imagine the aroma. You can try but you'll be wrong. It's worse than that. I was pretty nervous about going there and being graded on our work. Once again I'm surprising myself though. I'm actually quite good at it. I guess determination and passion really do come through in things you put your heart & soul into. Never thought I'd find my niche in life but I have. That thrills me.

Both little boys are in the midst of their soccer season so Saturdays & Sundays at home have been quickly occupied with games in frigid or rainy weather. I'm convinced the kick off of the season signals God to bring on ridiculous weather for parents who are obligated to sit on the sidelines, continuing to yell encouraging words regardless of their desire to be sitting in a warm car instead (oh wait, maybe that's just me... my bad).

I am still working at the funeral home but not often. Two to three times a month at most. I wasn't given a definitive but was told last week it's not likely I'll be serving my apprenticeship there as they simply aren't busy enough for the budget to allow it. I'm not taking it personal, they insisted I not, it's no secret I've been an asset to their company. While I do still feel the sting of rejection I'm really focusing on it being a sign there are bigger & better things out there for me. Now I have to set off finding it (which feels like a major pain in the butt!).

The kids are doing great, Garth & I are doing fine... or at least hanging in there. This whole year is a helluva challenge but I can feel the home stretch and can't wait to say I steadfastly finished this race.

B will be 16 in just over a week. Can you think back 16 years ago and ever imagine the life I'm living today? Yeah, me neither. ;)

Love ya!
Marissa

** PS - you & mom really need to get on the texting bandwagon. man that'd make my life easier. please please please think about it. c'mon, all the cool kids/parents are doing it. :)

Neglected.

This blog is becoming neglected.

My 3 week break from school is over. Today starts the second half of school. I'm halfway through this program. I can't believe it. It's gone so fast yet I feel like I've been here forever.

I'm glad to be back but I slept horrible last night. It took me almost the entire 3 weeks to become acclimated back to home and my full time roles there but sleeping here in my little compartment reminded me again how very much this isn't home.

Away I go with this divided life again but it's now the homeward stretch.