The 1st half of December in review.

My dad just called to make sure I was ok. I told him I was fine and asked why. Because I haven't blogged in almost a week, something surely must be wrong he thought. All is fine & I'm very much alive.

Here is our 2008 rendition of My Kids, Our Tree, Their Wonder and a few others of things that have been happening around here:


Jackson lost a front tooth. The one next to it is barely hanging on as well. I'm going to rip that thing out before Christmas, mark my words.


Everly has discovered her inner dancer. She spins & twirls all over the house lately. I really need to get her enrolled in a dance class soon.


Brenden is happy today is a snow day and his winter break got an additional day added to it. He also had a really fun time making Christmas cookies last week. We all did.


Wilson celebrated his 6th birthday, having a party with his friends at our local gym that included an hour of gym time, an hour of swimming & an hour of party room/food/cake. He loved it.

There's always an upside.

As I wade through the sludge of my own personal hell of self-pity, self-discovery, self-worth, self-loathing...

I get hit this afternoon with the reminder that my life is still really good, despite my brain often torturing me by running in the only speed it knows; overdrive.

I could be a widow.

I could be alone.

I could be cold, with no home or heat.

I could be hungry, with no resources for food.

I could be friendless.

I could be like this woman.
I took a quiet moment with God, thanking Him that my brain isn't that screwed up.

vague is en vogue.

A new year, a new me. That was my 2008 resolution. I succeeded. I wanted a new me. I got it. Physically speaking.

2009 is reluctantly going to have to be another 'new me' resolution. This time I'm going to have to work on the inside. You can beautify the outside but when the inner core is tarnished, it finds a way to radiate outward.

I've lost my way.

I stumble forward on auto-pilot.
Ignoring, looking away, to the point of numbness.
Usually I like numb.
A downside, numb is exhausting.

Do I dare venture to analyze what screams so ugly?

Do I forgive? Do I forget?
I can, I do and then I can't & I don't.
I am my own worst enemy.

Do I push forward? Dare to dream? Make dreams, reality?
And then what?
Do I even remember how to dream?

Some days I'm ok.
Some days I'm just listless.
Some days I'm incredibly anxious.
Some days things are ok.
Some days I'm ok.

Is the grass ever greener?
I'm afraid of losing what may be quite lush green,
just seen through dulled eyes.
I'm simply just afraid.
Can I just dig deeper into the earth with what I already have?
What method will bear the most fruit & nourish the most people?

Do I try to fix what feels so broken?
What if the one thing that is broken most ... is me?

A simple band-aid can't fix this.
Besides, I'm allergic to band-aids.

'tis the season.

My kids, our tree, their wonder, Christmas 2007:
The holidays.
The parties.
The candle light church services.

The twinkling lights.
The joy of the season.
The REASON for the season.

The stress.
The shopping.
The credit card bills.

The gifts.
The toys.
The "I wants" & the "gimmes".

The jockeying of schedules. Oh the schedules. Some weekdays, like today, I have nothing on the agenda. A whole lotta nada. Other than the constant flow of laundry, I feel like I should be doing something. This downtime feels odd.

Our weekends of late? Crammed packed with parties, get-togethers, festivities, work related & mostly not. A lot of laughter, a lot of fun, a lot of calories, a lot of alcohol & even more exhaustion.

People in town. People out of town. Schedules. Schedules. Schedules. The in-laws & the out-laws (that's what I call my ex-in-law family, in jest & good nature).

Christmas Eve plans, Christmas Day plans, New Years Eve plans... plans, plans, plans.

Secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, I'm already planning our Christmas tree's last day of display.

I love the holidays, I really do. I immensely enjoy the reason for the season. I enjoy shopping for the most part. I love the parties.

I also love when the entire month of December is over...

Happy Birthday Wilson.

6 years. Where have they gone, small boy? 6 years ago at this very moment I was panting, contracting & moaning, wondering aloud just how long it would be until you made your way out of my exhausted body and into this crazy world. Just before midnight my life was, once again, forever changed. A boy! My 3rd son.

Wilson, you have been a myriad of challenges and possibly you alone have given me more than half the gray hairs I now sport. Yet you have also provided me with genuine laughter, pure joy and I could not possibly be more proud of the person you continue to grow into. I wouldn't trade you for all the riches of the world ~ the life lessons you have taught me have not only been empowering, rewarding & invaluable to me as a parent, but as a person as well. I thank you.

You, my little Castaway volleyball man, you hold a really special place right in the center of my heart. I was blessed by God when He handpicked you to be my son, I am so grateful He chose me to be your mom. What a gift He gave ME on YOUR birthday!

Happy 6th Birthday, my sweet little Wilby. I love you so much that it hurts. What hurts? My heart, honey, my heart...

All my love,
Mom

discovering faith in myself.

Like the Nike motto: I really need to Just Do It. I really need to get back in school and just take the knocks as they come. It's going to be a pain in the ass, the commute will downright suck, the classes (even the prerequisites) are going to challenge me greatly but I really need to do it. My degree I have now is a degree albeit a virtually useless one. I never pursued my real dream because it seemed so difficult to obtain. Now I kick myself. It sure would have been easier 4 kids & a couple husbands ago to do this. But on the flip side, perhaps having a little life experience under my belt will help with my commitment to seeing it through to the very end. Either way, putting my mid-30's ass back in a classroom with much younger peers intimidates me. That said, I remember those older students when I was in college. They were the ones most focused. Far more focused than I was, that's for sure. I wanted to score my next beer, they wanted to score high on the exam and actually learn something.

I've been dragging my feet thinking I'd wait until Everly is in school for me to go back to school. First grade at least. I think I picked that time frame because it felt more convenient having all the kids in school full time and more importantly, it felt far off in the future. No point accomplishing today what I can put off 'til tomorrow. I think I've lived by that motto for far too long. I really need to get on the stick and do this sooner than Everly being in first grade.

I need to do this for me. Part of my psyche knows I HAVE to do this for me. And then there's a part of me that doesn't believe I can actually do it, follow through and graduate. What if its too hard? What if I simply can't do it? How will I feel if I get up the gumption to start this and then fail? I've got something to prove; to myself, but first I have to find the faith in myself to even go talk to an academic counselor.

I dreamt last night I was back at Grand Valley. I didn't even recognize the campus, it'd changed so much in the 15+ years since I was there last. My dream dorm room was far sweeter than my real dorm room had been. My class schedule consisted of anatomy, trigonometry, calculus, physics and chemistry. Can someone even take all those classes in one semester? I think I'd die. No, I know I'd die. Or fail.

What am I actually waiting for? I think I'm waiting for the fear to subside. Right now, it's the only thing holding me back.

thanksgiving 2008

The difference a year makes.

I set out a year ago to make some changes within myself.

I stand today a changed person. I don't even recognize that person I was before. I'm still getting used to, and continue shaping into, the person I am today. The changes go far beyond body image.

I like the new me very much more than the old me, both inside & out. My weight loss goals have not yet been met but I am so close. I no longer mentally beat myself up over it though.

This is my new life, and I'm living it.

Nov. 2007

Nov. 2008

December stress is among us.

Christmas cards. Not enough Christmas card pictures ordered. Had to reorder. Also didn't buy enough stamps. ARGH!!! I try so hard to make things simple, being prepared ahead of time to no avail...

Credit cards. Expensive bras. Need new clothes. Have to take advantage of holiday doorbuster sales because I need these things. Credit card bill, not so nice. I did finally find a black bra & a strapless bra (neither easy to find in my size) & ordered them online. Let's pray they fit or back they go like many bras before them.

Garth cleaned the kitchen for Thanksgiving moving my pills into our bedroom. Out of sight, out of mind. I realized today why my head was spinning, my moods were roller coasting and it wasn't PMS. I'd just went 3 days without taking any of my pills. Not good for those around me.

Christmas decorations. I want to ditch 'em this year. I don't want to drag out their dusty ass bins and pretend I like this clutter. I don't. I can be festive without it. I'd probably be MORE festive without it. Alas, the kids want it. Memories, Garth says. Since Mommy-guilt dictates, we will have Christmas decorations. It's probably easier than sitting through family therapy later over it.

Snow. We've been dumped on with snow. Piles of snow outside makes me go from showering & putting on clean jammies to the next day showering & putting on clean jammies. I haven't left my house in 3 days and even though I want to go spend my Kohl's cash, I don't want to dig out my car to do it.

Laundry. Dare I say at this very moment in time, this very fleeting, brief moment in time, my laundry is caught up?! SHUT UP!! It won't last. Probably not even another hour.

My new camera. Rocks. That is all.

My fireplace. We've lived in this house for 7 years and I've had my living room gas fireplace going more in this past week than the entire past 7 years combined. No lie.

My bedroom. The new bedding is here, I love it. I really like the wall hanging too. Paint, paint, paint. This house needs paint. The walls as high as the kids can reach in this house are gross. It's amazing the depreciation your kids can do to a house.

Naps. I haven't had one in awhile. I think today just might be the day to change that. Zzzzzzzzz.