One Thousand.

That's how many thoughts run through my head momentarily, hourly, daily.

My kids.
Garth.
Garth with the kids.
Their resilience amazes me.

My marriage.
makes me nervous. anxious. terrified.
This time apart has been hard on us both.

Every week there is also
Funeral Directing, Mortuary Law, Chemistry.
Anatomy, Psychology, Pathology, Embalming.
Microbiology, Restorative Art, Public Speaking.
Funeral History, Restorative Art lab.
Accounting, ugh, Accounting.

Quizzes, tests, midterms, papers, finals.

Once a week Embalming Lab at the county morgue.

Money. Tuition. Christmas.
A roommate, an apartment, rent, utilities.
A 4 hour weekly commute, gas prices.
Guilt.

I don't have an apprenticeship for next year yet.

There are no Saturdays out to cut loose.
I don't have time for my friends anymore.
It saddens me to no end.

I run on fumes daily
My brain never shuts off
I don't know how I'm doing this
Yet it feels like I've been doing it forever
I honestly don't remember my life before this
For the most part, I don't want to.

I want school to come to an end
It's truly unimaginable, no real words to describe
how mentally and physically exhausting.

I don't want school to come to an end
The future frightens me.
------------------------


Time out for a quick bragging moment:
The girl who doesn't have an artistic bone in my body -- shit, I don't even know how to decorate my home -- received the 2nd highest grade in my Restorative Art Lab twice now! An average class grade on these are about an 88.

Currently working on a set of lips.

so so busy

Short update -- Midterms, with one more left to go:

Organic Chemistry: 96%
Microbiology: 98%

I have no idea how I'm doing it this term. I'm studying a lot less, I've lost my mojo, my brain is in 1000 places other than school... but I'm still hanging in there & cramming when necessary.

4.5 months left to go 'til graduation.

Dear Dad,

I know you ask me to update my blog more often so you can keep up with what I'm doing but the past few months I've been busier than I thought it's humanly possible to be. 14 classes this term is seriously stretching my limits. We started our morgue practicum down at the county morgue and wow, I sure chose a *small* county, eh? I've seen the cooler full... that's 300+ bodies. I don't think you can imagine the aroma. You can try but you'll be wrong. It's worse than that. I was pretty nervous about going there and being graded on our work. Once again I'm surprising myself though. I'm actually quite good at it. I guess determination and passion really do come through in things you put your heart & soul into. Never thought I'd find my niche in life but I have. That thrills me.

Both little boys are in the midst of their soccer season so Saturdays & Sundays at home have been quickly occupied with games in frigid or rainy weather. I'm convinced the kick off of the season signals God to bring on ridiculous weather for parents who are obligated to sit on the sidelines, continuing to yell encouraging words regardless of their desire to be sitting in a warm car instead (oh wait, maybe that's just me... my bad).

I am still working at the funeral home but not often. Two to three times a month at most. I wasn't given a definitive but was told last week it's not likely I'll be serving my apprenticeship there as they simply aren't busy enough for the budget to allow it. I'm not taking it personal, they insisted I not, it's no secret I've been an asset to their company. While I do still feel the sting of rejection I'm really focusing on it being a sign there are bigger & better things out there for me. Now I have to set off finding it (which feels like a major pain in the butt!).

The kids are doing great, Garth & I are doing fine... or at least hanging in there. This whole year is a helluva challenge but I can feel the home stretch and can't wait to say I steadfastly finished this race.

B will be 16 in just over a week. Can you think back 16 years ago and ever imagine the life I'm living today? Yeah, me neither. ;)

Love ya!
Marissa

** PS - you & mom really need to get on the texting bandwagon. man that'd make my life easier. please please please think about it. c'mon, all the cool kids/parents are doing it. :)

Neglected.

This blog is becoming neglected.

My 3 week break from school is over. Today starts the second half of school. I'm halfway through this program. I can't believe it. It's gone so fast yet I feel like I've been here forever.

I'm glad to be back but I slept horrible last night. It took me almost the entire 3 weeks to become acclimated back to home and my full time roles there but sleeping here in my little compartment reminded me again how very much this isn't home.

Away I go with this divided life again but it's now the homeward stretch.

honey, i'm coming home.

Finals are over. Mortuary School is officially half over. I don't know whether to laugh, cry or hunker down in a fetal position and rock back & forth. I'm leaving this morning and going HOME for 3 WEEKS, my 1st break since March.

I lowered my GPA this term. Since it stood at 100.35% last term it was pretty much inevitable. I'm below 100% now. Barely. But it still stings a little. I've been giving this my all, know I've done my best and couldn't do more or try much harder than I have been. If my very best falls short of perfection so be it (but it still stings a little). Being a perfectionist isn't fun. People who don't suffer from this monstrosity of an affliction will never understand the stress & pressure it causes. At times it's all consuming yet always self-deprecating. Allowing myself pride comes at a high cost and is often just too expensive for me to enjoy.

School is hard. So is this experience. This is single-handedly the craziest thing I've ever set out to do. It's painful yet rewarding. It's stressful yet a blast. It's challenging yet empowering. I still pinch myself sometimes while sitting in the classroom that I am where I actually am, sitting in a classroom IN MORTUARY SCHOOL, finally fulfilling my dream. At other times I sit on my bed in my small, quiet compartment (its too little to be called an apartment) and wonder WTF am I doing here, away from my family, away from my life, away from my comfort zone, studying subjects that sometimes feel are being taught to me in another language.

If this is what life is all about, I'm living it fully. But wow, what a freakin' roller coaster ride it is.

----------------

(Above 100 = some professors will assign extra credit & only a fool wouldn't do it all)

Anatomy: 110% (earned max possible points!)
Chemistry: 102%
Embalming: 85% (last term was a 97% ::sigh::)
Business Law: 87%
Microbiology: 106%
Psychology: 102%
Restorative Art: 93%
Pathology: 98%
Public Speaking: 101%
Funeral Arrangements: 90%
Ethics: 100%
Funeral Home Management: 92%

...and so it begins...

Finals, Round II.
Twelve classes, Eleven finals.

My Ethics class didn't have a final.
Got my grade for the class yesterday.
100.
I think that means I'm proficiently ethical.

Speech Communications (Public Speaking) -
the final was this past Wednesday.
I know I got one wrong but believe I rocked it out otherwise.

Ten more finals to go. Two per day, M-F.

Three weeks of break to follow.
I need a break.
Perhaps even more than three weeks worth.
I need a brain reset button.

Almost halfway to home plate.

the calm before the storm.

i'm home for one last weekend of semi-peace before the next 2 hell weeks begin. it's review week & then finals... 11 of them this term.

i have some homework to complete this weekend, more than i wish i had. other plans include:

nothing.

that's right. nothing. i want to just sit still and not think. to enjoy home and forget about school (impossible). i want to watch W throw goldfish across the room at J (what he's doing as i type this) and have life be that simple for the next 3 days.

my lives, both of them (i truly feel like i live 2 very distinctly different lives right now) are insane. i still can't believe all that i do each week. i also can't believe it's almost half way over. crazy.

wish me luck on finals, i feel like this term i really need it.

rip stick = ripped arm.

These are the times being away really, really sucks.
Listening to him over the phone was a Mama's version of hell.
Fractured both his radius & ulna.
We go to the ortho tomorrow for the full cast.
He hopes he can get purple.
I'll be there.

Edit:
He got purple.
I was there.

2nd Quarter MIDTERMS.

Thankfully, I only had 3 classes with midterms & they are OVER.

ANATOMY: 96%
MICROBIOLOGY: 100%
CHEMISTRY: 98%

By looks alone, it would appear these exams were easy. If only it were so! We were told quite a few of us did really well but the flip side was quite a decent proportion of the class failed them all. But I, oh I, ROCKED THEM.

Signed,
Boastfully Proud as Shit of Myself

what am i here for?

I've been asked what exactly we do in Mortuary school.

In a nutshell, I'm learning how to properly, legally, ethically & professionally:

* do body removals/transfers from hospitals, nursing & private homes, often in the middle of the night
* meet with families at their worst times & make funeral arrangements with families, often mediating discord between family members
* work with doctors, hospitals, coroners, medical examiners, police, clergy, cemeteries, registrar offices, social security, insurance companies, attorneys, florists, airlines, military branches, fraternal organizations, musicians
* gather information from families & doctors to complete and register death certificates
* coordinate cemetery plots, opening of graves and inurnments & interments
* pre-need funeral arrangements (one of the best gifts you can give your survivors!)
* collect necessary documents to establish next of kin, responsible persons, military benefits, burial permits and county assistance for burial
* arrange funeral services with churches & clergy
* help family's choose caskets, urns, vaults, crypts, plots, niches, headstones
* coordinate funeral & memorial services - religious, military, fraternal, traditional, non-traditional, personalized, flowers, music, pall bearers, memorial folders, prayer cards, scriptures, memorial contributions
* coordinate proper transportation for services; limousines, hearse, family cars
* gather information for death notices & obituaries and submit them to newspapers
* collect clothing for & dress the deceased
* arrange with airlines for incoming or outgoing human remains; retrieve & deliver
* work with casket companies
* restore deceased bodies for proper viewing through use of thanatochemistry to denature proteins, destroy bacteria, lower risk of public health issues & slow the decomposition process
* recreate to natural form any part of the deceased body that was traumatized due to accident or disease before or at death with restorative art techniques (that are crazy complicated!)
* coordinate appointments with, deliver bodies & retrieve cremains from the crematory
* learn the business side of funeral home ownership; maintaining necessary insurance, human resources, obtaining financing, livery, marketing, advertising, public relations, small business management
* small group & public speaking with confidence, establishing rapport & trust with families, members of the community and surrounding businesses
etc., etc., etc...


...and you thought I was learning to embalm.