A new year, a new me. That was my 2008 resolution. I succeeded. I wanted a new me. I got it. Physically speaking.
2009 is reluctantly going to have to be another 'new me' resolution. This time I'm going to have to work on the inside. You can beautify the outside but when the inner core is tarnished, it finds a way to radiate outward.
I've lost my way.
I stumble forward on auto-pilot.
Ignoring, looking away, to the point of numbness.
Usually I like numb.
A downside, numb is exhausting.
Do I dare venture to analyze what screams so ugly?
Do I forgive? Do I forget?
I can, I do and then I can't & I don't.
I am my own worst enemy.
Do I push forward? Dare to dream? Make dreams, reality?
And then what?
Do I even remember how to dream?
Some days I'm ok.
Some days I'm just listless.
Some days I'm incredibly anxious.
Some days things are ok.
Some days I'm ok.
Is the grass ever greener?
I'm afraid of losing what may be quite lush green,
just seen through dulled eyes.
I'm simply just afraid.
Can I just dig deeper into the earth with what I already have?
What method will bear the most fruit & nourish the most people?
Do I try to fix what feels so broken?
What if the one thing that is broken most ... is me?
A simple band-aid can't fix this.
Besides, I'm allergic to band-aids.
2 comments:
Oh babe. You know my situation. You know I've been there. And you know I've started to come out the other side.
I'm hear to listen. To help. And to just be a friend.
I know you can make this change and transformation. This will be harder than the outside in more raw ways. but I know you can do it. I love you.
I have felt this way, too, for what seems like ages now. I hope you find your way.
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