determined to win this war.

Battles. I'm not alone in having them. Sometimes it feels that way but I know I'm not. When I'm feeling utterly alone and then receive messages like this from my friend Barb, it reminds me.

"It will all be worth it. You have the support of those that matter, and the rest can just jump off a cliff - it's not about them."

We all need those reminders. I'm so grateful I have people in my life urging me toward goodness. I pray I'm that kind of person to others. Please forgive me if I haven't been lately the kind of friend I long & strive to be.

I digress --

In my life, I've battled some bad situations, bad choices, bad consequences -- some brought on by myself and others I have had to come to grips with that I couldn't have changed -- not if I'd been better, behaved better, wanted better. I was put here to live through them and learn from them.

I'm a work in progress and I've definitely carried a really big chip on my shoulder that has only continued to grow as the years have gone by. 2009 was the year I decided I would chisel away at that chip, one small fragment at a time.

It's slowly working but it sure isn't much fun. It's hard work mentally but I know the payoff will be huge. I'm banking on it.

A big chip: my ex-husband. I thought that entire mess was in the past, put on a shelf, a different lifetime ago. Oh how I've wished & pretended for years that was true. My reality? I've carried resentment, anger, guilt, disgust and bitterness toward & for that relationship. Carrying that many emotions is both physically & mentally exhausting.

Last month I ran into him. It doesn't happen often but when it does I usually turn on my heel, walking running away with no desire to face it, him, the past.

Without even thinking about it, I didn't turn away this time. I walked forward. A look of disbelief crossed his face, then a smile. We exchanged a few seconds of pleasantries and, again without forethought, I blurted out words I would later wonder where I found.

"I forgive you. I've walked around with a huge chip on my shoulder, hating you. I'm letting it go. My anger hurt me, not you. I want you to know I truly forgive you and I'm moving forward now."

Surprised even me.
Shocked the shit out of him and he thanked me. Later he emailed me, thanking me again. I'm sure those words were a relief to him but far beyond him, they provided ME with a gift. The gift of forgiveness.

Since that day I've felt an enormous sense of peace over a life experience that nearly destroyed me. I suppose I needed to say the words aloud, maybe not even to him. I am grateful I got the chance to say them directly to his face though.

Those words, those emotions, that forgiveness - empowered me.

And truly thrust me forward.

I will never look back. I don't need to.
I forgave him.

I forgave ME.