maternal bonding, guilt and me.

Temple Grandin, a new HBO movie. If you have access to HBO, please watch it one of the majillion times it will be on this month. You won't regret it.

Temple Grandin. <-- click the link to read more about her & this fabulous movie.

Temple Grandin is based on a real story of a woman with autism and all that she deals with, is put through, overcomes and achieves. She truly is amazing.

Side note: some characters/people need to be bitch slapped. I feel the incredible urge to declare that on her behalf.

Diagnosed with autism at age 3, also known as infantile schizophrenia at the time (1950), Temple's mother was told it was due to a lack of maternal bonding. It was her fault. Garth and I both physically dropped our jaws during that scene. How asinine and cruel. It's no wonder that's about that same time period when women started popping presciption pills like candy.

The movie was eye-opening and really made me think. I'm inspired by people like Temple Grandin.

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Since seeing Temple Grandin I've felt further heightened anxiety. I'm leaving for school in three weeks. While I know I won't come home and find my own 3 year old autistic, I feel this new sense of, "will she be mad at me? will it ever be the same? am i ruining this fantastically close bond i have with my daughter?"

A mother's guilt runs deep. It's who we are. It's what we do. Guilt. It's what we feel.

I know I'm not leaving. I'll see her almost as many days per month as I won't for the next year. The time really will go by quickly. The boys understand. She says she does but I know she doesn't. She can't.

This morning she climbed into my lap and covered my face in kisses. "You my best fwend! I just love you soooo much!" as she squeezed my cheeks together. I never want that bond between us to change.

I'm agonizing over it being my fault if it does.