self worth. come back to me.

last night, i had a light bulb moment.

i was honest-to-God struck at how "duhhhhhhhhh" it felt.

i stepped on the scale and had lost a pound over it.

my stress & burden & anxiety & hatred (yes, hatred) & sadness & blah blah blah that i've felt for almost 9 years weighed ONE POUND.

all these years I was so "victimized" by my SIL not liking me.
I was so so so SO very hurt by it.

i've always felt she never took the bother to get to know me and made a snap judgement immediatly after meeting me that she's carried all these years against me. and man, did it hurt. i'm honestly not used to that. i'm a freakin' likeable girl! ;)

suddenly last night, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

for the first time in almost 9 years, I spoke to my SIL. yeah yeah we'd exchange superficial nicities throughout the years but they were fake as shit. for my falling-apart-over-it MILs sake, not her own, she wanted to make peace.

gee ... umm ... thanks?

i did get in that she doesn't know me. if she's looking down on me for things i did in my early & mid 20's, shit *I* look down on myself for a lot of them. I'm in my mid-30's now!! I've evolved, grown, matured, LEARNED, lived life and since then, MADE MORE MISTAKES!! I asked her if she even knew what political party I campaign for. ;)

obviously finding it necessary, she said AGAIN yesterday she didn't like me and we'd never be friends.

dude. true or not, thats F&*king MEAN to say to another person.

she said yesterday that she honestly didn't care if she'd repeatedly hurt my feelings over the years and that she'd never apologize because she wasn't sorry she'd said them.

dude. true or not, thats F&*king MEAN to say to another person.

she fully blames the people who repeated them to me, not the mouth they originated from.

let's all take a moment, pause and then close your gaping mouths.

all these years, i was hurt and she was totally ok with my hurt, in fact, she was actually annoyed by it, felt no need to explain herself and though crushed by it, I played along.

WTF was i thinking?

my moment?

WHY THE HELL DO I CARE IF SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME?!

WHY THE HELL AM I SO HUNG UP ON HER NOT WANTING TO BE MY FRIEND?

SHE'S NOT SOMEONE *I* WANT TO BEFRIEND!


self-worth come back to me... its been awhile but i'm still here.


duh to me.

oh f&*king duh to me.

my attitude has changed.

i can make peace. I WANT TO MAKE PEACE. i can be civil.

not for MILs sake.

not for SILs sake.

not for my husbands sake.

FOR MY SAKE.

she didn't like the 2 women in Garth's life before me. it wouldn't have mattered what i came into her life offering, she was SEEKING & LOOKING for PERMISSION not to like me!!!!

duh Marissa. oh f&*king duh. @@

i'm slow to the punch line - its been almost 9 years and its just now hitting me.

i need some omega 3's for brain power i think.

At her first opportunity to dislike me, she grabbed it and ran.

IT'S NOT ME!!!

IT'S HER!!!

I called my mom, rehashed it all and asked her why all these years I've cared. She said its because I treat others as I'd like to be treated and not everyone subscribes to that thought unfortunately.

dude. i feel sorry for people who missed the boat on that one. what an ugly way to live.

She said she was not only proud of me for finally standing up for myself and not letting SIL knock me around anymore verbally or emotionally but get this:

she was proud of me for rolling with the punches.

she was proud of me for keeping my mouth shut all these years, knowing how hard it was to do so, but doing out of respect for my husband, his family and for myself.

she was proud of me. period.

having made some "stellar" life-changing choices in my early 20's, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to feeling proud of myself, or hearing that others are proud of me.

she is proud of the mother i've ALWAYS been.
she is proud of the person i am.
she is proud of the type of friend i am.
she is proud of the values i hold dear.
she is proud of how i treat other people.
my mother is proud of me.
period.

yes i know i'm rambling but i have to get it all out and be done with it so i can put it in a pretty box in my head and tie it up TIGHTLY with a bow and put it VERY HIGH up on a mental shelf....

the conversation with my SIL made me realize i dont WANT to be this woman's friend, i would have NEVER measured up to her and biggest & best of all, that thats not on ME, thats on HER.

I am almost laughing at my stupidity over being hurt that she didn't like me.

Fact be known, I DON'T LIKE HER! She sure as shit has never given me anything to work with either.

must get brain in proper working order.
(mentally putting that on my to-do list, right at the top)

GOD put me on the path of struggles so i could one day handle phone calls like yesterday and have the proper words to dish right back to my SIL without ever once raising my voice. Best of all God has given me the ability TO FORGIVE HER FOR HER TRANSGRESSIONS even if she's not sorry, and to mentally keep moving forward.

EVERYONE is put in your path for a reason -- perhaps SILs SOLE reason for being in my life is so I could painfully see first-hand how NOT to treat people. EVER. that is reason enough for me.

my mother is proud of me.
that means more to me than any of this novel typed above could ever express or any hurt SIL could EVER inflict upon me.

at the end of the conversation, SIL & I loosely made peace. that felt good. i'll never conquer the woman nor get through to her NOR be able to reach her up on that very high horse and you know what?

THAT'S OK!

I AM SO DONE WITH THAT CHAPTER OF MY LIFE & IT FEELS AWESOME!

Delusional bitch be damned, I've seen the light!!! :D