dreams. sleep. exhuastion.

I have THE most bizarre dreams. Last night was no exception. Lies, deceit, conflict, yelling, a sister I didn't know I had (thanks Dad). Many mornings I awake soaking wet from sweat, having tossed & turned and spent a lot of the night more active than I was the day prior. Sleep for me is exhausting.

Perhaps that's why I spend so much time doing it. I sleep more than any other person I know and it's not because I want to, its because I am truly & deeply exhausted more often than I'm not.


Twice in the past few weeks I've been awoken in the morning right when I'm in the middle of some intense, dramatic dream that I hadn't quite found resolution to yet. I find myself jarred awake, suddenly supposedly ready to begin my morning getting kids ready for school while trying to keep the household quiet enough to let the toddler get more of the much needed additional sleep she needs. Her moods are definitely tied to her sleep, much like her mama. When I am jerked awake mid-dream by either a child, a husband or that annoying alarm clock, my body/mind is not quite ready and I'm forced to go through the motions of the morning on auto-pilot, feeling dazed, confused, like my brain is still balancing somewhere between that dream and the reality of my day beginning. My mood? Not so positive.

I've had sleep studies. Three of them. I have sleep apnea. I wear an alien c-pap machine that I loathe. My dreams are the most vivid when I wear it, perhaps I'm getting deeper sleep or perhaps the aliens that invented the c-pap machine are coming down to study me. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea late in my 20's but it's been determined that chances are good I've suffered from it my entire life. My embarrassing, cumbersome, loathed c-pap has most definitely helped but even with it, I'm so incredibly tired.

Exercise? Yup, do it. It doesn't help my sleep. Cut out caffeine altogether? Tried it. More than once. Doesn't work and wow, does that make me crabby. Too much sleep, you ask? How is that possible? I stay awake until my eyes can barely stand it any longer and sometimes it's only 7pm.

I'm so tired of always being so very tired. Truthfully though I really can't imagine it any other way. Sadly it's all I've ever known.