Dear friend:
I pride myself on being a good friend. I make mistakes, I say things out of turn, I'm crass, I've pissed people off. Undoubtedly, people either love me or loathe me. It's just something I've had to come to accept.
But you. You've been my 'best' friend almost as long as I've known how to be a friend, 25 years now. But does having a friendship for a lifetime actually mean a lifetime of friendship? I'm beginning to think maybe it doesn't. If this is the 'best' that it gets, I think I should give up on friendships altogether.
For some reason, you've always found it ok to just push me aside when you want to. I get your voicemail when I call. I send emails that get no response. But, when you're ready, I always come running back, much like a panting tail-wagging puppy when you deem our friendship should suddenly get back on track.
When my life is good, I want you there. When my life is bad, I want you there.
When your life is good, I want to be there. When your life is bad, I want to be there.
When I got a divorce, you were nowhere to be found for months on end because during my hardship you had a new relationship. You couldn't be bogged down with my need, so you simply disappeared.
Pain.
Realizations.
But still I came back when you asked me to.
Is it me? Am I lacking somewhere in the friendship department that is a turnoff? Do I expect too much? Is that why you toss me aside? If it is me, could you clue me in sometime on what character flaw it is that I carry? I want to work on whatever it is that I do, or don't do, so that I NEVER do it again to someone else, or you, or anyone. I'm not a stalker, I've never pushed myself on you. But shit, having been friends with you for most of my life, you'd think we could say anything to one another. And have. But only when you wanted to.
Three years ago you disappeared for more than a year and a half. For weeks & months of not getting in contact with you via voicemail nor email, I called your mom just to make sure you were still alive. I didn't call to hunt you down. I called her because I genuinely care about you. You were alive, just ignoring me. Oh the pain in finding out I was pregnant but had already given up getting in contact with you. The bittersweet feelings of then discovering I was having my first daughter and my 'best' friend was too busy to care.
You called right before my baby was due. My news was ok but that wasn't why you called. You called because you'd gotten engaged. Nothing in my life warranted a response from you. But something exciting happening in yours that you were busting at the seams to share.
I came back again. I helped throw you a bachelorette party, attended your shower, stood up in your wedding. A part of your life again.
And then. Gone again.
Back.
Gone yet again.
Now I get an email. You want back in. I respond with honesty. "This hurts".
I don't need you everyday, we're grown ups now with lives of our own. I don't need much. Maybe a friend? I gave up on the 'best' part a long time ago. It was a painful title to let go of but I did.
You knew I had surgery in June. If you read my blog, which I believe that you do, you'd also know I've clearly been depressed over the summer. Where were you? Where are you?! You said your life has been hard, you've been busy, working on your marriage. Why wouldn't you let me be there for you? We used to talk about everything. You say I'm a great listener. I' think I'm missing something here.
My response email to you got me what?
It's now been a week and it got me what I expected. Nothing.
No response.
This hurts. again. and again. and again. The pain is almost my own fault at this point.
I am not a panting tail-wagging puppy. I'm also not a beaten dog. I'm not a victim. I'm not a whiner. I'm not a begger. I'm just a person who's known you forever. I'm just a friend who tries to be there for you through the good and bad. I'm also just a girl who's hurting inside and wondering what I need to say for you to "get it". Friendships are 2-way streets. This 1-way avenue feels like its got a dead end. I so wish it were a cul-de-sac so we could turn this around. Maybe its time to throw in the towel to the alternative I've tried to deny myself of for so long. It may be time to just "get over it". And you.
That plan feels so painful.
But then again, honestly, so does this friendship. :*(
~Marissa
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12 comments:
M. I know. ((Hugs)) I wish I could say something for this friend to realize what she has in you. She obviously doesn't know what a great thing it is to have a Marissa in her life. That not everyone can be a Marissa. And that's a GREAT thing. I hope that she comes around and values you.
But if she doesn't, please realize it's not with you. You are a good friend. Beyond good, you are caring and self-sacrificing. If she can't see that, you may just be better off without this friendship in your life.
I love you, sugarbush. *kisses*
I also have a "friend" like that and I've pretty much had to come to the realization that she will never appreciate me or care about me the way I cared about her. I've been hurt so many times that I'm kind of numb to her now. It's sad becaouse our children go to the same school and church and we see each other quite frequently, but she has just become an aquaintance to me instead of the friend I once knew. Honestly, it's better. Sounds like it might be the better option for you as well. I'm sorry for the pain this "friendship" has caused you. I do know though that you've got some people in your life that think you're pretty rockin' and appreciate everything that is "you". So, no worries, my love. *Hugs & Smooches*
I have the same "friend". Actually I have 2 of them. I don't know what keep me going back and why? All I can say is keep your head up and remember it's not you it's them.
You are a great friend and many others will say the same. ((hugs))
grat letter, I wish I had it in me to send the same... I have a friend, just like that. most of the time when I call, I get vm. Sometiems I get to talk. She never cals me, but when I call she says oh I was going to call you today.....why could I just of waited one more day to see if it was true. Your a great friend.
truely she is missing out, on great times.
She clearly isn't worthy of you. It's time for a break up and having to close that chapter of your life.
I'm sorry you have a friend that is a huge fool to loose YOU.
Sometimes you have to break-up with girlfriends. It is not an easy thing to do and frequently there is not as much closure for us in these types of situations as there are in romantic relationships. It hurts and drains a person similarly, though. You're wise to recognize she is an unhealthy part of your life and you need to walk away. Sounds like you have some other excellent friends who know how wonderful you are - and there are some creeps out here in the interwebs that have taken a shine to you, too!
Love that we met - and always enjoy your observations.... you've got great energy, Marissa - give it to people who give back.
I'm a firm believer that even though we love something with all of our hearts, sometimes it's best to let it go, rather than have it dragging us down.
Keep your chin up ~
oh marissa...sorry you're going through this pain. sometimes i guess it is better to let go, though it's not easy.
we can't replace this person. no one can, but your creepy friends are here & we all love you!!
ali
it totally sucks ass when this happens. i hate it when the ugly side of a friend makes its presence known. when they can be so selfish with their needs, but don't give anything back in return. when they can't handle real life, but their world only circles around them.
here for you if you need to chat. you know where to find me...
I agree with Christa - she isn't worth your time. I am so sorry. I've been through this and it fucking sucks. Big hug.
Wow! What a powerful, well-written letter. Please realize that you have so much to offer and your friend is the one who is missing out.
I've been through this too. My best friend through junior high, high school and most of college was a one-way friend for the most part. She had a tough childhood and I understood that she couldn't always give back. But when we grew up and I mentioned to her once how much it hurt me that *I* did all of the heavy lifting in our friendship, she dumped me. All I asked was for her to take some ownership in our friendship too. But she couldn't do that. I heard from her one or two more times and then never again.
I still feel sad and I miss her so much. Yes, I needed to break up with her and end the pain of always being the friend giving rather than giving, but I tell you what-it still hurts, a LOT, even 6 years later. :( I miss you, Beth!!!
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