Today I hit the elusive 159. My goal weight? Nope!
I remember being 159, that's why its a big deal. I remember being 159 and feeling like that was the weight where I started to lose control. I was emotionally out of control, my eating was out of control, I was depressed, I was overwhelmed and I just threw up my hands and gave up.
I was always 136-141. Not 135-140, no no. I was always one to be just a little different than the norm. MY norm was 136-141.... and at that weight you'd still hear me complaining of how fat I was. Little did I know then that just a few years & a few babies later, I'd be well over 200 lbs. @@
Anyway, I remember that scale at 159. Standing in the bathroom at our former home, feeling deflated, depressed and simply out of control with so many avenues of my life. I was on the threshold of being 160 and fearful I'd tip to it, knowing I wasn't willing to make the changes necessary to not hit that 160 big girl status. Oh did I hit it. And kept on hitting it. And kept on hitting those french fries, pizza, pasta & cheeseburgers too.
I was determined these past few months to get to that 159 mark and see it differently this time. Rather than being my "losing control" moment, this time its my official "regaining control" moment. I'm not where I want to be, that's for sure, but I know I'm back in control. I made that scale move during the duration of the winter from 190 to 159. I amaze myself, really.
Having never in my life lost 10 lbs. before on purpose makes me sheepishly grin knowing I took back control over that damn depression that at times consumes me and FINALLY worked it in MY favor. The dr. always said that exercise would help. I didn't believe him. You know what? It didn't help my depression. I still suffer from it, and anxiety too. But what it DID do was help me fight back. Going to the gym each morning gives me an empowering reason to get out of bed - something I never wanted to do for years. I wanted to stay in my bed. I wanted to wallow in self pity. I definitely still have my moments but incredibly I now feel guilty if I don't go to the gym. No one holds me accountable but me...but to know me is to know I'm my worst critic. Who needs an enemy when you have my mind constantly knocking me around?!
Regardless, I'm declaring TODAY, MAY 2, 2008 the day I hit it. I hit that 159 mark. I made it back to that moment on the scale that I will forever remember. I'm NOT out of control anymore - I'm more in control of every aspect of my life RIGHT NOW than I've EVER been. That feels so incredibly wonderful - far more wonderful than anyone who's never been in my brain could possibly understand.
To appreciate, acknowledge & keep pushing past that 159, I took a new class at the gym this morning. It kicked my butt. It made me sweat. It made me feel AWESOME!
I vow that once my weight is between 136-141, I will never, ever, tell myself I'm fat EVER again. I swear.
Marissa....girl, you ROCK. ;)
5 comments:
Congratulations, Marissa. You've earned every bit of your loss. :)
You do rock. again. and again. and again. I've loved every rockin' moment of your journey and I know there are many more to come. Thank you for
sharing them with me.
WTG!
We have so much in common with the way we act and think, I *DO* know just how you feel. Those on the outside don't "get" it.
You are awesome!
My "back in control" moment will be once I hit 169, only 18lbs to go!
You rock the block and back again! I just wish that I could have your motivation! I have said it once and I will say it again! I am so proud of you!
Congratulations! Keep up the good work. You're inspiring. :)
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