Your firsts, your lasts.

With your 1st baby, you are overjoyed by all the "firsts". Their first smile, their first tooth, their first taste of baby food, their first steps...the world is theirs for the taking and oh, its just so exciting as a new mom. The next few children's worth of "firsts" are equally wonderful but truth be told, not as exciting as your first baby's "firsts". There's just something about those genuine & true "firsts" with your first child. Its like they are both of your "firsts".

And then comes that last baby. I no longer feel that same excitement about "firsts" as I once did. I still squeal with delight as each milestone is hit but inside me I cringe. I dread those "firsts" because in reality, they are MY "lasts". Its so genuinely bittersweet -- the only word that truly describes it for me. E's first steps were joyous but they were also my last baby's first steps, if that makes any sense. It means I'm being forced to move past each step of mothering a baby FOREVER, never to again relive these moments with the next born. There won't be a next born.

Today I was given such a gift. It was a "first", it was a "last" but oh, was it ever the best.

Pulling out of the driveway E was looking at me in the rear view mirror and yelled, per usual, "MAMA!" When I say yell, I mean yell, it's far too loud for the close confines of our car. She likes it when I look at her in the mirror and ask quizzically, "Yes?". She usually giggles and then yells "MAMA!" again so I can repeat my same answer over & over & over again until one of us gets tired of the game, which usually is me. This morning instead of being met with giggles after my eyebrow raised answer of, "Yes?", I was met with, "I lub you".

10 days shy of her 2nd birthday and I got that first unsolicited "I love you" from my last baby. It was the first time she said it to me, ever, and the last time I'll ever get that "first" again.

Lord, please etch this memory on my heart. Please let me never forget this moment between myself & my only daughter, my last baby, for as long as I live.

E, I lub you too. More than you could possibly ever imagine.