want syrup with that waffle?

i'm waffling.

my dilemma is so incredibly small compared to so many others.

that only adds to the shallow vanity of it all.

i recognize.

i feel incredibly blessed that this is my biggest life dilemma right now.

it hasn't always been this way, that's for sure.

i inquired about losing my deposit if i back out of my 2nd surgery.

the answer is that i won't.

"i'm waffling", i explained.

they understand waffling she said. it's very normal.

while shopping, i tried on bras today.

my freshly lifted lovelies are a 34DD.

without the implants.

trust me when i say that sounds far bigger than they appear.

kind of like the warning on the sideview mirror on my car.

i'm not looking for too much added size, mostly a shapelier shape.

not sure if shapelier is a word.

spell check says it is.

you know that tell-tale sign that a woman has had breast implants?

those high perky ultra-round boobies that defy gravitational pull?

i want those.

my dr. assures me that look is not natural.

i told him i don't care.

he laughed and said he hears that often.

to do or not to do.

vanity over reality?

obsession of perfection?

roundly moundly beautiful or is just ok really ok?

waffle. waffle. waffle.

if only this could be my only problem all the time.

i am blessed.

beyond blessed.

waffle.

why, oh why, oh why?!

I did put sunscreen on my face and neck. 3 hours later I could feel my legs had probably had enough. The tops of my legs from sitting in the chair felt tight and were turning pink.

What was I thinking not putting sunscreen everywhere?! I'm pasty white, having spent a very good majority of this summer indoors. We finally had a day of great weather and I decided I needed a little sun.

My arms & chest are burned but look far worse than they feel.

The tops of my thighs? They feel far worse than they look and they look pretty bad at that.

My knees are swollen to the point that I'm afraid the skin could split. I iced & aloe'd them last night and was hoping today they'd be much better. Wrong-o!

At least the kids had fun at the pool. And wore sunscreen.

Sometimes I amaze myself with my stupidity. :/

On an upside, I'm at a -52.2 lb. weight loss now.

oh, to be a 5 year old boy.

"Mom, if I was a monkey I'd scratch my butt all day long. I'm serious."

the crazy 'daze' of summer.

Summer is in full swing. We have play practice twice a week, drop-in lacrosse each week, lacrosse camp coming up, and to fill the in-between time, we have a new trampoline with a safety net for umm, safety. Our yard looks like either some very spoiled children live here or we've started a circus. Most days it feels like one, the other or both.

Another July weekend is upon us and I couldn't believe it this morning when I looked at my calendar and realized we have nothing on it for the entire weekend. With next weekend being so busy I'm ecstatic we have nothing planned. Don't know what we'll end up doing but whatever it is will be unstructured, unplanned and impromptu. I love it. Those weekends are too few and too far in between for us.

Although I still get mighty stiff if I do any one thing for too long -- sit too long, lay too long, walk too long...each day I do feel slightly better than the one before. I'm still swollen & bruised but the bruises are definitely lightening. Nice swaths of yellow cascading across my trunk (I used the word swath just for Garth). The swelling is something only time can heal. It could be another month or up to 6. My belly is flat, very flat, but still swollen too, hard to explain. My boobs are getting smaller. I guess that's probably due to swelling too. ::sigh::

This summer I've been amazed watching my garden grow. Most of our plants out there started out as seeds, planted in the spring in little containers. My corn is almost as tall as my tallest child already. My 2 sunflower plants threaten to shade my entire garden with their incredible height. The cucumbers are spreading like wild fire. The carrots, eh, not sure there will actually be anything to harvest. J's pea plant is steadily producing peas every few days. I'm not convinced the watermelon plant is going to produce a watermelon at all. We're going to have tomatoes and peppers coming out of our ying yangs. The plants I put in pots, not doing so well at all, what a waste.

Off to sip some coffee and watch Backyardigans with the kids.

Happy Friday!

with bug eyes i saw...

I know the scale can go up & down. Up up up one day and then jump down and then back up again. A true scale-hog knows this.

My sister & I don't celebrate numbers like 130, 140, 150... we celebrate numbers like 129, 139, 149. Those 9's mean we've made it into the next lower number bracket and we love it.

Today, I hit a 9.

I have lost 51 lbs. since this time last year.

Today, I weigh 8 lbs. more than I did when I got married.

I had to call Garth and tell him. He was so happy for me. :)

I did something bad this morning....

Garth initially hid the bathroom scale, for at least 1 month, per my dr's request. I had no idea where it was. I was ok with it.

Then Garth unearthed the hidden scale so B could weigh himself for his lacrosse camp forms.

And then, Garth didn't take the time to hide the scale again. He just put it up on the shelf in our closet.

Silly man.

I saw it there this morning, 2 weeks to the day after my surgery, and its pull overcame me.

Yes I had to use the step stool and reach higher over my head than I had thus far since surgery, but I just needed to see what it said.

Maybe my weight would be higher than what I went into surgery - I was told most likely it would be. I still have quite a bit of swelling, bruising and water retention.

Whatever the weight was, I just needed to know.

With shocked-as-hell eyes I looked down to a number I had not seen in at least 7+ years.

I am closer to my goal than I could have ever imagined.

I am 1.4 lbs from an overall 50 lb. weight loss.

I simply can't believe it.

Yay!!




Yes, a few lbs. of that was shed unconventionally, I have no problem admitting that. For anyone who casts a downward eye toward me regarding that, I have just 2 words.... Don't Hate.

4 days of updates.

Not too often do I go 3 days without updating my blog. Some of my other blogging friends should take note and update their blogs more often as well. ;)

Friday, the 4th of July: Was pleasantly surprised to hear Garth comment that taking care of the kids 24/7 is exhausting. I was ok with his discovery as I felt a bit validated for the times they get under my skin and annoy the crap out of me after a particularly unruly long day.

Late afternoon: W got stung by a bee right under his eye. Not fun. I'd probably have cried as hard as he did had it happened to me. Bees sure seem to love that kid.

Around 7pm we went to our townships festivities. There are (free!) games for the kids to play, bounce houses to bounce in, popsicles to eat, American flags to wave and stickers & tattoos galore. It's always a fun time for them. This year I stayed in my folding chair, reading a book, while Garth took them around to the fun. I just couldn't stand up for that long of a time. It was relaxing reading my book though, so I can hardly complain.

At nightfall we watched the fireworks. There were some huge, great ones. Another good 4th of July bites the dust.

Saturday & Sunday: Was pleasantly surprised to hear Garth comment that our laundry is never-ending & exhausting. I was ok with this discovery as I felt validated that my regular bemoaning of this task is actually not just in my head. It really is never-ending with just 1 washer & dryer. I can't wait to someday get the 2nd set. I don't know how even bigger families get by with just 1 set. I don't mind laundry, I just feel like it's never caught up, which sometimes feels very overwhelming.

In the early afternoon, I caved to the mini-pleading of my friend Tiffany and joined her on a 24-hour trip out of the house to go shopping at a very large outlet center about an hour from my house. I hadn't been there in many years and it has grown a lot since then. I had so much fun. Shopping, laughing, eating, shopping, shopping, shopping. We were really productive finding what she was looking for and that felt good. I didn't buy a ton but I did score some great deals. My favorites were the three 50% off bathing suits (different sizes) that I got for E, the "soft pants" deal I found for W (he will only wear "soft" pants, no jeans, no jean shorts...ahh, sensory issues, i love you) and the size SIX chocolate brown cargo capri pants for me at the Gap, 40% off.

Since there was basically no way in hell I could keep up with a shopping trip of this caliber without one, we rented a wheelchair. Tiffany is my hero for all of the pushing & maneuvering she did for me, even though she says (jokingly!) that I'm a hard ass handicapper to handle. "Wheeee, I'm flying!"

I will blog soon about the joys, and most certainly the downfalls, of riding in a wheelchair for 2 days of shopping. My eyes have been opened to many, many things and the experience was enlightening to say the least. We need to be better people toward those who are wheelchair bound, or unable to achieve routine-to-us tasks. Our world certainly does NOT cater to them and wow, for the most part, help them either. I left the experience feeling pretty overall sad... and determined to be a better steward toward those who may not ask for, but would appreciate, a helping hand once in awhile.

This morning: I had a dr's appointment where I had all of my remaining bandages & stitches removed. My dr. said I'm doing excellent and he's very pleased with my results so far. We talked at length about my upcoming surgery: to do it, to not do it, to possibly postpone it. I have a lot to think about but ultimately I won't be comfortable with any decision made unless its my decision.

On a similar surgical note, I sneezed yesterday for the first time since my surgery. Sweeeeet Mother, owww!!! Since then I've kept on sneezing, probably at least 10-12 times now. Owwww!! I hope the feeling passes... and soon!

A few minutes ago E approached me and proceeded to tell me that she's not a baby. She pointed herself in the chest and said, "I big girl" quite clearly. I asked, "You're a big girl? No more baby?" and she answered, "Yup I big girl, no baby". That's perhaps the first 6 word sentence to ever come out of her mouth. I told her that she is a big girl, my big girl and that I love her. She said, "Lub you too mama" and then scampered off to play. I love that girl.

I'm freeeeee!

I was de-tubed this morning. YAY!!

It was about the grossest 3 seconds of my life, having 12 inches of silicone tubing ripped from my body, feeling every single millimeter of it but oh, was it worth it. I feel soooo free!!

I figured they'd have to put a stitch in it to close the wound, or at least apply some steri-strips to it but no, just a gauze pad taped over the it. What?! I have an open, gaping hole in my abdomen?! Yup. It will heal from the inside out and scab over, creating little to no scar. Gross.

Next week the bandage tape comes off, any remaining stitches will be removed and then a few days later I go in for what sounds like a horrific ordeal. A subdermal silhouette massage done by some piece of machinery. The nurse said it'd hurt but be worth it for optimum, smooth skin results. Ow. She assured me I wouldn't be ripped in half like a broken popsicle stick, but that is what I fear.

I'm currently weaning off the pain meds and feeling pretty good. I still move slow, still feel really stiff in the mornings and getting out of bed on my own is not my idea of a good time yet. Garth still has to massage me with a pastry roller, hard, each day to keep fluid moving and regenerate nerve endings. It hurts, it sucks but I suppose it will all be worth it. I didn't come this far to puss out on anything, that's for sure. Someday soon I hope to be standing upright but I'm not there quite yet.

On a positive note, the boys had eye appointments this morning. J's still blind as a bat but he doesn't need new lenses. B & W still have fine eye sight. Great news, they haven't been afflicted with Garth or my bad eyes quite yet. I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of time though.

Happy 4th of July Eve! :)

blah.

I'm bored.

My sister always says that only boring people get bored.

I guess I'm officially boring.

I shuffle around the house, still hunched, not being able to do much other than shuffle.

I go from my bed to the recliner, to the bathroom, to the kitchen, back to the recliner or bed. Sometimes I walk outside to the mailbox or around back to check out my garden. Corn & sunflowers - rockin'. Carrots, watermelon - not so much. Tomatoes, peppers - good. J's little pea plant - awesome. Basil - why did I even plant that?

I can't do a whole lot with the kids and the fast, erratic movements of the littlest ones raises my anxiety when I'm up walking. The vision of falling and ripping stitches frightens me greatly.

I'm about 85% upright these days. Not as hunched over as I was but surely not standing upright yet. I'll never take standing upright for granted again. I don't know how people who are permanently hunched over, for whatever reason, do it. It's simply killing my lower back... which is all stitched together too. Double whammy.

I've read magazines. I've watched tv. I drink my water, take my pain pills, read the newspaper. But the one thing I try really hard not to do, and have been quite successful at it, is complain. Garth was mimicking me this morning, for humor, and he sucks. His hunched over, "ow ow ow", "could you bring me this... that...", shuffling ass wasn't all that funny. Ok, he was but it would have been a lot more funny had he been making fun of someone other than me.

Rachel is coming over to see me later today. I hope she doesn't mind just sitting around, that's about all I'm up for these days. I miss my friends. A night out drinking a little beer sounds heavenly. It's going to be awhile.

I want to go to Children's Place and use my $10 Perks coupon. I want to go out to eat. I want to get out of this freakin' house...but not shuffle around in public. I don't think I could do that.

My doctor said there is a true phenomenon of "plastic surgery depression". I thought he was joking. He said its a low point people get to when they are incapacitated with recovery, look & feel bloated & swollen and wonder why in the hell they did this to themselves. He said its more common to experience it than not. I'm not depressed. Just bored stiff.

I don't know what I want to do but I sure want to do something.

1 week.

One week ago at this very moment I was in a hospital gown, hair bonnet, surgical booties and scared out of my mind. Garth tried to remain calm, playing on his blackberry, but every once in awhile I'd look over and see on his face that he was quite nervous too.

I tried to be patient waiting for the doctor to come in and draw all over my naked body with a sharpie marker. I looked like a road map when he was finished. He showed me where my belly button would be repositioned and what areas he would liposuction. He said he would do his best to straighten out my crooked lower back tattoo but now I see that apparently wasn't possible as its as crooked as ever, if not more so. I guess I'd rather have my skin straight & even, more than a straight tattoo. A detailed & beautiful, yet slightly crooked, tattoo sort of fits my personality better anyway.

A nurse finally came for me and said it was time to go. I kissed & hugged Garth goodbye and said I'd see him soon. I entered the operating room and was scrubbed from head to toe and then laid down on the table draped in sterile blue cloths. Nervous as can be but playing it cool I laid there thinking there was no escaping it now, I was actually here and doing this. Years in the making, months of working hard, budgets reconfigured, it was finally time to actually go through with what years ago I thought was only a distant fantasy.

After five, yes FIVE, failed IV attempts, the anesthetist asked me if I just wanted to be put under and she'd get the IV after I was out. Well why did I go through all that to begin with?! PUT ME OUT! She said the anesthesia smells bad, burns a little and the medicine she would have put in my IV would have made me groggy enough not to realize it. I told her I've probably smelled worse and to just put me out. My arms and hands were burning from those IV blowouts and I was ready.

The mask was placed over my face and yuck, that "medicine" smelled awful and burned my throat. I took a few deep breaths and thought it wasn't working. I was wide awake. Just as my mind began to wonder if it would ever make me feel sleepy, I woke up in the recovery room. Six hours had passed but it felt like the snap of two fingers to me. No dreams, no tossing or turning, just one minute it was 10:30 and the next minute it was 5 o'clock. Weird.

Oww, the pain. Not incredible pain just a constant aching, pulling pain. Pain medicine = good. With just one eye open, I looked down to see what my boobs looked like and for those who know me well, they don't find this at all shocking. :) Happy to see them still there, I laid my head back down and immediately asked for Garth in a raspy, sore throat voice. Having a tube down your throat for an entire afternoon will do that to you I guess.

Garth was quickly by my side offering his hand to hold. His presence made everything better as it usually does when I'm distressed... unless its him causing me the distress. You know, like when he takes PICTURES of me in the recovery room with his phone! Grrrr.


Within an hour or so, I was in a wheelchair on my way home. Driving out of the surgical center I commented groggily to Garth that I could not believe anyone considered this out-patient surgery!

Settled in bed, Garth took care of me like no nurse at any hospital ever has. My medicine was dosed every four hours, even in the middle of the night. Water was held to my mouth when needed and ice bags were replaced when necessary. I was helped in & out of bed and my drainage tube was emptied when full. I'm not positive I could have done that task for someone else but with the nausea I was feeling I am so grateful Garth managed it, blood clots & all. Ewww.

It's been a week of recovery - and even more a week of discovery. Discovery in the very real unconditional love between Garth and myself. A deeper discovery in the true meaning of marriage. Garth has been my rock and taken care of me more than I fear I would do if the roles were reversed. That gives me a real dose of reality I need to reflect further upon, take note of and learn from.

Thank you, Garth. For your help, your support, your care. For not complaining, for just doing what needs to be done and doing it with love and patience. Thank you for making this surgery possible for me because, without a doubt, it wouldn't have been possible without you. You rock my world and I love you, unconditionally.