Sir Isaac Newton: Eat Your Heart Out.

W: Mom, is God a boy?

Me: I like to think that He is.

W: I think He is too.

silence as he stares out the window, pondering.

W: Mama?

Me: Yeah, Wah? (that's a nickname)

W: Does God help us stand up and not fall down?

Me: God has helped me stand up and not fall down LOTS of times!

W: Oh.

silence.

W: I learned it was gravity that held us up.

Me: Well yeah that too but God definitely helps!

W: That's what I told my teacher!

God love the 4 year olds in our life. I know I do. We all need one.

I'm 34 today.

I'm officially in my mid-30's today. I remember absolutely ridiculing my sister when I was 21 and she turned 24. Oh how I'd give anything to go back to that tequila-ridden day. :)

If you read my blog today, comment to me. Wish me a Happy Birthday. something! (ANONYMOUS POSTS don't count!!!)

I need feedback people - its the best therapy there is!!! :)

I'm off to get that haircut I talked about a few posts down. Eeeek!!!!

Come on now, $50 for a bathroom rug is insane.

Why? Why does THE bathroom rug I want have to be $50? Knowing me, I'll end up buying it (sorry Garth) and then I'll get it home and hate it.

The last one found the garbage bin last week. It lived a good long, bacteria-laden, hair-collectin' life. It had officially seen the washer & bleach one too many times.

It was a good day today. I got up, showered, dressed, actually put on makeup, got E up, dressed and we were out the door by 10:30. We drove a half hour to the outlet mall that I love and shopped, shopped, shopped. I got B a gift for Christmas at KBToys for a rock bottom clearance price of .97 -- dude. .97 !!! Why can't I find my dang bathroom rug for NINETY SEVEN CENTS?! I looked around for more of these .97 'ers and as luck would have it, it was the only one left. It was like 95% off. How's that for outlet shopping? It had better work when I put batteries in it or knowing me, on principle alone, I'll spend $6 in gas to return a .97 toy.

At 1pm, I met my dad for a birthday lunch at Ruby Tuesdays. Yummy yummy, in my tummy! We had awesome service -- the waiter wanted me. Ohhhh yeahhhhh, I still got it. He even sang in my ear when he brought my birthday sundae which I promply shared with my Dad & E. I've got a girlish figure to maintain, ya know!

Then I was off to exchange kids, lay the baby down, drop off my shopping bags and head back out to get my eyelashes done. I'm just a housewife but I'm vain enough to wear eyelash extentions. That should count toward something in my I've-Still-Got-It-&-I'm-Still-Hot-Even-Though-I'm-Hours-From-Being-In-My-Mid-30s.

After my eyelashes were done, I hit the Target in my old hood. It wasn't the same though. It's been all re-done and I knew where nothing was. Not half as exciting as I was anticipating but hey, it is where I found the $50 bathroom rug I want.

I think I'm cutting today's blog short. I want to get in my jammies, snuggle down in my bed and read before drifting off. When I awake, I'll be 34. Ack!!

I'm reading Pieces of My Sister's Life by Elizabeth Joy Arnold right now. One word: FRUSTRATING! The sister, Eve, is a total punt. I'm trying to cut down on my use of the word punt with a C so I'll just sub in punt from here on out.... you catch my drift though. Excellent read!!

Farewell my 33rd year..... its been a decent year. Not the best, not the worst, but all in all, you were good to me. :)

ONWARD AND UPWARD!!!!!!

I smell change coming.

I don't know what's coming over me but I can smell some changes coming on. I'm even thinking about cutting my hair. Nothing crazy like the last time but perhaps this Marcia Brady past-my-bra-strap hair is a bit much. It's my protest hair. After I cut my hair off to about 2 inches all over 4 years ago and realized before I left the salon that I'd just made a huge mistake, I decided to protest. I protested and only had my hair trimmed for the past 4 years. Its now pretty dang long and I haven't quite figured out why I'm growing it to this obnoxious length but until I figured it out I didn't want to do anything I'd regret again. I think I'm *almost* ready for a change.

I've given up on trying to sell this house until after the next election so I've decided if I've got to live in it, after 6 years, I guess I'd better start decorating it.

I'm getting new bathroom rugs, hanging new pictures and have an odd hankering to paint the living room, my bedroom and my bathroom.

I want some things on my bedroom wall too. Not sure as to what but I'll know when I find it.

Not a good time to be short on cash when my mind is in this mindframe. ;)

I've got my Christmas cards now 85% complete.

Christmas shopping -- about 75% complete.

My goal - have all Christmas related shopping done by December 1.

I'm going to make it. I can just feel it.

I feel on track right now. My kids have been manageable, the house is in ok shape (enough that I'm not panicking over it), school is going well for everyone, we've got more down time since we're between sports seasons, my new meds rock the casbah, my relationship with Garth..... perhaps I should shut my mouth and quit while I'm ahead. I've always been a pessimist. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and if a shoe was dropping, it was going to be mine. I'm trying hard to turn that attitude around.

This is going to be a great 34th year, I can just feel it. Only 2 more days until my birthDAY and 17 days left of my birthMONTH. So far its been an awesome month. :)

Call Me Clueless.

My sister asked me about 2 weeks ago if I wanted to go Christmas shopping with her. HECK YEAH, you don't have to ask me twice! Do two of my favorite things at the same time?! Spend time with my sister and shop?! Sweet, count me IN!

She makes some comment mid week about not going out in sweats & a ponytail and that we should dress decent and wear make-up, it always makes you feel better when trying on clothes. She had a point but I was clueless as to her motive.

10am she picked me up, we went to Target, then to Olive Garden at 11 for some brunch. Then off to the mall and while there she was like preparing me that we'd be out for awhile but she would have to go home "when Dave starts blowing up my phone that he misses me". Girl, please. I've got you to myself, this is our day and we're shopping.

As we exited the mall we ran into my dad & stepmom. That's weird. What are the chances? We never run into them. Heck, my sister & I rarely get out just the two of us anymore and then to run into my dad & stepmom? We chatted really briefly and then my dad said they had to run. That's weird. My dad is usually so warm and welcoming but I really felt the brush off from him. I remarked to my sister as we left the mall that dad was acting all weird that we ran into him.

Still clueless.

After the mall we hit Kohls and man, was I finding the goods! Of course, this is when Dave calls and tells her they should meet at a movie and I was all bummed - I wanted MY time! I didn't want my fun day to end!! So she starts getting all antsy while I was making my final selections and me, still clueless.

"I got a take a shit" she says on the drive home, "I'm going to have to come in".

Still clueless because well, that's my sister and that's how we talk. ;)

We pull up to the house and nothing out of the ordinary.

I see my friend Rachel's son, Willy, in my front window playing and say, "Oh Rachels in town, she must have stopped by".

Clueless.

We walk in, I'm piled down with bags and then I see streamers. and balloons. and people. Lots & lots of people.

"What the hell? What the hell?", I've been told I repeated many times.

A surprise 34th birthday party for me?

What?

I've never had a surprise party thrown for me.

Wow.

My husband did it. He's cooked right in front of me, he's cleaned in front of me, he invited everyone behind my back. No one's slipped, I had no idea, I'm awake at 2am still processing it all.

Either I've got to start paying attention to my surroundings or yeah, I need to start paying attention to my surroundings. I honestly had no clue. Not an inkling of a clue. Not some twinge of "what's going on?", nothing. Pure, through and through cluelessness.

Suddenly it made sense why my sister wanted me to dress nicely and wear makeup. In hindsight its now as Garth explained it, "all part of the plan". My sister said in no way would I want to have walked into that with running pants & a ponytail so she had to say something. She couldn't have been more right.

I had friends & family drive from near & wide and I was simply in awe that some of them drove 1.5+ hours to get here. Especially when some of them are going to do it all again less than a week later for my planned birthday girls night out this upcoming weekend.


It was so wonderful to have those there that mean so much to me and I knew full well there were others not there that wished they could have been. I truly felt the love and am very grateful for it. I needed it.

Kudos to my Garfa. He really pulled a fast one, I really was completely in the dark.

Garth put a ton of effort into it, it was so obvious, he made all my favorite foods and the house was clean and wow, I'm simply in awe of it all actually. It was an effort I really appreciate and am humbled by.

The party was so fun, it was awesome to have everyone sing to me around the dining room table -- I looked around and there was the love. All for me. For me?! The person who feels so worthless and invisible so much of the time?

What an awesome day. To start it off with Garth & the kids, to go shopping & to lunch with my sister and to end it with Garth, my kids, my sister and my circle of family & friends there to surprise the heck out of me. Like I said, I'm still processing it all. My brain feels like its on overload.

If you were here yesterday, thank you. It meant far more to me than you'll ever know and cliche' as that sounds, it seriously couldn't be more true. For those that couldn't make it, I understand. For those who weren't invited but think you should have been, you better get in good graces with my husband & his email address because Sneaky McSneakster had to find some creative ways to get ahold of some of my friends. I know he intentionally wouldn't have left ANY of my friends out.

Thank you Garth. You made yet another birthMONTH awesome for me. I appreciate it, and you, SO MUCH. {muah}

Birthdays, Bellies, Beer & Debauchery

I am fat. I hate being fat. I don't feel good being fat. I'm all for chicks who are voluptuous and love it. I'm all for not damn near killing yourself to prove something to yourself or somebody else. Super skinny is not pretty to me.

I just want to feel like ME again. I want the outsides to match the insides. I want to look in the mirror and actually recognize myself again.

I need to lose 40 lbs. - at least. I've tried South Beach, I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried Nutrisystem, I've tried cutting down, cutting back, cutting out. I have a gym membership to a prestigious health club. Do I go? Nope! My life and kids and MY ATTITUDE get in the way.

I'm not motivated. I take anti-anxiety medication that makes losing weight and keeping it off harder. Not impossible, just harder. That same medication also makes me not give a shit.

But then I see pictures.

ugh.

There's no denying the pictures.

Sometimes, I'll admit, I look great! My personality shines in my smile and eyes and I see a glimmer of who I really am in pictures.

And other times, all I see is the flabby belly of 4 pregnancies, 3 of which ended in c-sections.

The flabby arms.

Hey, I actually like my J-Lo ass. But my thighs, wow, they could use a thigh master. Or a blow torch to blast away the cellulite. Or something.

My husband apparently still has it going on. Last night we were at a friends 40th birthday bash and the birthday girls friend was on him like white on rice. I'm not a jealous person. It didn't even phase me that this chic was grinding on my husbands crotch. Eh, he's a big boy. Maybe if I'd felt threatened it would concern me. Regardless, it upset my husband far more than it bothered me, we actually had to move away from the party and stand at a little distance. He said she was disrespecting me and the fact that she was doing it straight up right in front of me was flat out not cool. I'm positive he was flattered by the attention, no doubt, but I was far more flattered by the way he removed himself from the situation and handled it drama-free. THAT is attractive. In hind sight, now that I've thought about it a little more, I'm proud of myself that I didn't kick that girl in her teeth. You CAN take a girl out of the south side and teach her a little class. My dad would be so proud.

Crotch grinding on a married man who's wife is standing right there? Not attractive.

Husband who would choose me in my ponytail, pajama clad, stressed out, kids hanging off me, overweight body time & time again over some skinny, cute & flirty chic in a bar? Very attractive.

I rewarded him handsomely when we got home.

So I possibly couldn't have cared less at the time about some chic grinding on my husbands crotch yet I'm completely bothered & obsessed with my flabby gut. That same gut that supplied said husband with his FOUR adoring children, three of which were produced in less than 5 years and the youngest one is only a year old. My priorites are screwed up. Either that or that new anti-anxiety medication is working great!!

On an off-shoot, the party was a lot of fun, I'm so glad we were able to make it. The 80's night music was totally da bomb. I'd forgotten how much I knew & loved all those songs and the old-school videos were so much fun. Wow they were so low tech! Did you know that video killed the radio star?!



I'm really thankful for the friendship Garth & I have with birthday girl & her husband. I really like them both and its not often you find a friends couple where everyone truly likes & cares about each other (somebody's always got to be weird and ruin it). I pray our friendships only continue to grow deeper and last a really long time.

I hope the birthday girl had fun last night -- I know I drank enough for her & I both... hmm, I wonder if that belly I hate is because of BEER and not BABIES... something to ponder.... at least until next week when its MY birthday. ;)

Experimentation & Moms Dirty Little Secrets

Conversation yesterday with 13 year old B.

Me: Hey B, have you ever smoked?

B: :rolls eyes: Duh, you know I haven't.

Me: How would I know you haven't? Do any of your friends smoke?

B: No.

Me: What would you say if xxxx offered you a cigarette behind his house or something?

B: I'd say no.

Me: Would you? :raises eyebrows:

B: Yeah, I don't think smoking is cool. Why are you asking me this?

Me: I was just curious. I know you & your friends may start doing crazy stuff just to see what it's like and while experimentation can be really normal it can also be sort of dangerous.

B: When did you first smoke?

: dead silence :

: crickets chirping :

B: Um, Mom?

Me: (deciding honesty is probably best). The 5th grade, with Angie. Behind my house. With grandpa's cigarettes.

: B's eyes are huge :

B: FIFTH GRADE?!

Me: We got caught. It wasn't fun. We didn't do it again. I just want you to be prepared mentally that this stuff is going to happen someday and probably sooner rather than later and I want you to already know where you stand. Smoking isn't cool and it does kill people. If you have a puff off a cigarette, I won't kill you, but I want you to know that but I will be very, very disappointed if you do it more than once with your friends.

B: Um ok, but no one is smoking that i know of.

Me: Good! Are any of your friends having sex?

B: Mom! We're in the 7th grade! That'd be a no.

Me: Hey you'd be surprised. I was just curious.

B: Let me guess, you had SEX in the 5th grade too?

Me: :laughs: That'd be a big hell no!

B: Mom, if I have sex you'll be the first to know about it, ok?

: laughs and leaves the room :

He tells me everything (sometimes even too much) but somehow I doubt I'll be the FIRST person he tells after having sex the first time. This parenting thing is hard work.

I hafta learn science, Mom.

W: Can we make playdough tomorrow?
Me: Maybe, we'll see.
W: Can we make a volcano.
Me: I don't know, maybe.
W: C'mon Mom, we hafta. That's science and I hafta learn science.

dude. he's 4.

W: Mom, I don't know how to read.
Me: I know you don't right now but you'll learn soon and I'll help ya.
W: Science, reading, math, driving.... I'll never learn it all.

-- insert dramatic sigh here made by W --

W: How'd you do it, Mom? How'd you learn everything?
Me: In school and it took some time. You'll be ok, I promise.
W: Did you know cat starts with a C?
Me: See, you're on your way! Cat does start with a C!
W: One thing down, lots more to go.

W leaves the room.

He. kills. me. ;)

I'm in a listing mood today.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER...

10 things I'd like to do within the next 0-5 years:
* sell this house & build our next.
* become an even more eco-friendly family.
* Make a difference in someones life.
* Go on the Disney cruise & vacation again with our kids now that's there's 4 of them, not 2.
* Become a doula or a mortician.
* Lose 40-50 lbs, get healthy & fit and stay that way.
* Get a breast augmentation, tummy tuck & liposuction.
* Feel good about myself again.
* Volunteer more.
* Run naked through a lavender field.


10 things I want to accomplish today:
* shower
* clean the bathroom
* pick up W from school
* keep plugging away at the laundry
* watch Survivor
* finish up the Christmas cards (yes, FINISH them!)
* clean up the perpetually messy living room
* vaccuum
* spend some time with Garth after the kids are in bed
* pray


10 things I like to do:
* read, sleep, eat. repeat.
* do nice things for others
* travel
* spend time with my family
* laugh with Garth & my kids
* parent naturally & live eco-consciously
* swim
* drink beer with friends
* be with my sister
* shop


10 things I despise:
* homophobes
* doing dishes
* having a dirty house
* bad hair days
* irresponsible people
* judgemental people
* deadbeat parents
* people you can't count on
* clutter
* liars


10 things I like about myself:
* my family
* my hair
* my stellar personality
* my creativity & craftiness
* my desire to help others
* my relationship with God
* my teeth
* my ability to be a good & true friend
* my bargain shopping abilities
* my sense of humor


10 things I don't particularly like about myself:
* my anxiety
* my after-babies body
* my laziness & lack of motivation
* my disorganization
* my short temper & lack of patience
* my never-ending exhaustion
* my inability to cook
* my weight
* my forgetfulness
* my back & leg issue that won't go away.

10 positive traits I think describe me:
* funny
* giving
* generous
* loving
* loyal
* fair
* honest
* competitive
* determined
* responsible

A Vicious Cycle.

Its 10:45 am and I was supposed to be at a playdate over an hour ago. Since its a good friend of mine, she understands and is fine with why I haven't shown up yet.

My daughter is still asleep. I mean snoring still asleep. Like I said her name twice in the doorway and she kept snoring still asleep. It's 10:45 in the morning!!!

Her sleep is so off-kilter and it screws with my days. When she's asleep I go on the assumption that she needs it so I'm quiet around the house, tip-toe'ing around to let her do what her body obviously wants or needs to do.

Here comes the cycle. I'm quiet. There's only so much I can do in this house and remain quiet as a church mouse. I have no problem with laundry, its a pretty quiet task. I can pick up the living room to a certain extent. I can't rustle around dishes, can't vaccuum.... by the time she wakes up, its time to feed her, change her, play with her and then I've lost all motivation to clean, vaccuum... it really isn't a pretty cycle.

Shopping online is pretty quiet. Too bad my computer is 6 years old and dying a slow, agonizing and i-may-throw-it-out-the-window-VERY-soon death.

Today I'm up, showered, diaper bag packed, MY SHOES ARE EVEN ON (!!!). I'm ready to go out the door. Dina's got the coffee on and I'm ready to drink some.

First I gave E until 9am and then I was waking her.

snore. snore.

Then I gave E until 10am and then I was truly going to wake her.

snore snore.

call her name twice only to be met by more snores.

Ok, so now its 10 minutes to 11 and at 11, I AM waking her.

will I?

Some days I pray for her to sleep so I can have some time to myself. Today I want her to wake up. I want to go to Dina's. I want her to play with Sydney. I want to drink some of Dina's coffee, dang it. There's always something about Dina's coffee that is so stankin' good - perhaps its just that I didn't make it.

I even want to vaccuum the living room right now.

Ahhhhh the quandaries of my life. If this is as bad as its going to get today, I'LL TAKE IT!!!!