no turning back now.

My application to school was sent off into the cosmos yesterday. I hope the cosmos carries it around, splashing it with pixie dust & meteor juice, delivering it safely onto the Registrar's desk very soon.

Barring something I totally missed, I'm honest when I say I'll be shocked as shit if I don't get accepted. Still, I'll still be on pins & needles until I have that official acceptance or denial letter in my hands.

Just in case, I hope meteor juice has magical lucky powers.

answered prayers.

When people ask me what happened
I say I'm really not sure
I know I wept & asked God
how much more I'd endure

I asked Him if He felt the urge
To let my anger go
To show me there's a better path
A different way to grow.

I begged I prayed I asked again
Depression, God, why me?
The pain the sorrow all the tears
Why burden this on thee?

For years the hole just grew
so deep and dark and big
I had no idea how to get out
So I just learned how to dig.

One night I prayed real hard
My dreams, so very bad
I awoke confused & with a start
but GONE was the sadness I'd had.

Its never come back
I try to explain
I finally feel hope
never once I'll complain.

I love this man Garth
but I'd lost my way
I thank my God
each & every day...

Thank you God
for bringing him back
for second chances &
forgiving all that I lack

I vow to you both
to never forget
Unconditional love
& 2nd chances you get.

So what happened to me?
I don't really know
but I'm convinced of His light
& now letting it show.
--Marissa--

it's that time again.

School starts Monday. This term I have just one class & I'm so excited that its my very last prerequisite to fulfil state requirements.




Shamelessly, I'm really proud of myself & my life right now. I didn't know I actually had it in me to get my life on a better track, be better, be happier, "fix" things & follow through with all of this. Without doubt, I'm a work in progress but I thank God (& Garth) each day for walking me beside me.

And here I am, filling out the paperwork for Mortuary School.

Onward & upward.

6 is my favorite number.

Sent to me today from Garth:

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong
~ Sheelagh Lennon ~

my achilles heel healed.

I thought babies would be my achilles heel to this profession.

I've now seen 3 babies at our funeral home. While incredibly sad, I never felt a connection to them -- they were somebodies baby, they were undoubtedly loved, but they weren't my baby if that makes sense. Those 3 babies definitely brought more emotion than someone in their 90's who lived a long, full life though. However, I still felt a sense of disconnect. My boss says its ok to feel a respectful disconnect with the deceased, its a normal protection mechanism, as long as you stay connected with the living whom you are serving.

I've now seen my 1st homicide victim. She brought me to the achilles heel, the absolute can-i-really-do-this moment of questioning myself. I've been deeply affected by this woman's cut too short life. I won't let myself get too emotionally involved, I just can't, but I've spent a lot of time thinking of this woman, who was close to my own age, what her last moments must have been like and her freshly pedicured toenails. I know, I know... toenails?! Incredibly odd that toenails got to me but I can't help but wonder if she had any inkling it would be her last pedicure. Surely she didn't. That makes me so incredibly sad.

I've also now seen my 1st autopsied body as well. Woah. Thankfully I was completely overcome with fascination & awe, not nausea. It was a lot to take in though that's for sure.

I recently received both my letters of recommendation for mortuary school. My two bosses had such wonderful things to say about me -- though one of my bosses joked that his letter is chock full of lies. I work with the most fun people, seriously. A lot of people can't claim they love their job. I love my job.

My mortuary school application goes in next week when my transcripts, including my summer class, will be ready. I'm excited, nervous, anxious... but mostly feeling really excited.

Not only can I really do this, I am really doing this.

TWO POINT OH

I maintained the same weight, within a 3 lb. range for well over a year. A feat I have never accomplished before during my adult life, and having done it after a 55 lb. weight loss was nothing short of frickin' fantastically amazingly wonderful.

And then?
I gained 15 lbs. in the past 3 months.

no. No. NO. NO!!!!
I can pinpoint the reasons but I don't have to like them.

This morning I biked 5 miles, walked for 1.
A healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch.
I've decided 29 lbs. are going to come off this frame.
Back to my original weight loss goal & then some.

Back in the saddle for Weight Loss Project 2.0
Watch me shrink. Again.

nerds unite.

I'm now officially just 1 class away from mortuary school. My summer term class is now complete.

I received my final paper back. I received 150 points out of 150 points possible. How the hell I did that I'm not entirely sure.

Test scores, other than the final, have been posted. I took 19 tests during the term. Overall score? 98%.

The final exam late last week was 250 questions, worth 250 points toward my final grade. I figured out yesterday I could miss more than 70 questions of the 250 and I'll still be 4.0'ing the class. Missing 70+ questions ain't gonna happen.

I'd really like to end this class with a 99%. I'm excited that I hold a strong chance at it. A far cry from the 1.9 GPA I was pulling in college right out of high school, huh Mom?!

I love doing well. I love doing what I love. It feels really good.

**UPDATE**
I received my final grade Wednesday morning - 4.0!! I didn't receive a final % but it had to be in the upper 90's as I received a 96% on my final exam. Woohoo!

'lil Jacko turns 8.

Better late than never is this post.

In mid-July we celebrated Jackson's 8th birthday. It was a great day filled with fun, sun, friends, miniature golf & arcade games... and one awesome ice cream cake that Daddy made. I think if you view the pictures you'll see the gift that really made the day too. Big thanks to the grandparents and Aunt Dee & Uncle Dave for helping make Rock Band happen.

Happy Birthday Boy2, Mama loves you so much that it hurts.

gone too soon.

Yesterday I witnessed my 3rd baby at work.

So tiny.
So very, very tiny.
He was fully formed, so perfect.

I could have held his entire body with just one hand.

I was told he actually lived for a few minutes.
But now he is still.

He was an absolutely beautiful little person.

The first 2 babies I've seen were somehow easier than this one. I don't know how or why... but this one was harder. He was taken far too early from not only his parents, but the womb he grew in.

I'm overcoming the mental hurdles I know I need to tackle but there are days, like yesterday, that are the real tests to those who can succeed in this business and those who simply cannot.

I'm still in it, even if I get choked up once in awhile.

busy busy busy

We've been busy. So very, very busy.

School - I'm at a solid 97% halfway through the summer term.

The house outside is looking awesome - new mulch, trees trimmed, bushes whacked (some got new haircuts, others lost their lives altogether), garden growing & new plants around the flagpole where the bushes once resided. I did a lot of this yard work myself which is shocking to not only onlookers but to myself as well. The weather has been mild & very tolerable and I very well may have been outside more in the past few weeks than I was last summer altogether. I'm pretty sure Garth wonders whats gotten into me as I'm quite the 'indoor air-conditioning' type of gal but since even I don't know the answer, we're just running with it.


We need to keep working on decluttering the inside of our house - the rooms we've done look miraculous. Our 4 kids do a doozy on our house and G & I aren't exactly meticulous 'lil peeps ourselves.

The kids are busy with sports, camps, friends, the sprinkler, fighting, bickering, fireworks lightin' (Garth went a little overboard with our fireworks purchase this year by just a titch) & a side dish of a little more arguing, quarreling & whining thrown in for good measure.


G is busy with work, I work when the kids' camps driving schedules allow. I wish it was more often but what can ya do? I did get offered a 4 day per week semi-set schedule helping with visitations in addition to my regular position. I joke that one day I'll own the place. The reality is I don't want to own the place. Just work there. Long term. I pray the right position opens up for me at this company once I'm done with school and if it isn't to be there, that it will be somewhere as friendly, flexible and awesome.

G & I took a fun weekend trip and toured my new school. AWESOME. SCARY. EXCITING.
Admittedly it's going to be a tough year (academically, emotionally, physically) but worth it. Having Garth's unwavering support through this is unexplainable, heart-warming amazing. I am at a loss for words as to how grateful I feel for that.

My baby boy got his braces on, finally.

Do I dare say it?
I'm happy.

Busy as hell but happy. Happier than I've been in a really, really long time, if not ever. I'm so thankful God showed me the way and that this time I listened rather than once again assuming I selfishly knew best. I've been greatly humbled, I've been loved even when I was loveless, I've been saved. My depression has been lifted, I feel hope again in not only my marriage but in my family, in my life, in my future. My head feels clearer than its ever felt despite having more swirling around in there than ever. I feel peace. I feel content. I feel loved. I feel gratitude. I feel alive.