Dear Diary,

So yesterday I was up 2 lbs over last weeks weigh in. Today, 3 lbs. How in the hell will I ever get to the end of the road if I keep backsliding toward the beginning?! Yeah yeah, so its "that time of the month", I'd swear after the past two days I should be down like 7 lbs. -- ok, I'm done being gross. My morale is sort of low. I'm still chugging my water and making good food choices but dang it, my attitude is pretty pissy today, I won't lie.

My husband reads my blog. We talk about my entries sometimes and I always ask him why he doesn't leave me a comment, at least telling me he was here. Even though he knows he's 'allowed' to read my blog (heck, I don't care if he goes through my purse, he doesn't, but I'm just not that interesting or secretive), he feels like he's invading my space, reading my diary, or similar. So on that note:

Dear Diary --
I'm really struggling with this diet thing. I want to succeed at this so badly but the results are forever two steps forward, big leap back. The worst part is that in the back of my head, I truly don't believe in myself AT ALL, nor my ability to see this through to the end.

I'm so grateful my husband supports my hiring of a personal trainer once a week and doesn't bitch about the extra $260 on our gym bill each month. That trainer really has kept me going. Without her, I know I would have thrown in the towel by now. Each week she gets me refocused and ready to tackle the next week ahead. She inspires me to eat better and move more and the exercises she's taught me will benefit me for decades to come. She believes in me and says I'm making awesome progress. I always laugh and tell her she's paid to tell me that. Even in my I'd-soooo-rather-be-spending-$65-a-week-on-smaller-clothes-for-myself mind I know she is money very well spent.

I decided I need some rewards to work toward. I've set goals, none are too outrageous - I pray they help keep me on the right path and best of all -- motivate me to NEVER EVER, EVER GIVE UP ON MYSELF:

PERSONAL REWARDS:
20 lb loss - a massage, facial & pedicure
25 lb loss - all new work out clothes & sports bras (that fit!)
40 lb loss - a North Face jacket, i've always wanted a North Face jacket
50 lb loss - tummy tuck & breast augmentation
55 lb loss - i want to climb a rock wall, straight to the top!!

Ok so maybe the 50 lb. loss reward will be expensive. But oh diary, I really want to see that reward. I originally thought I'd see it by June. The reality now is I'm just hoping to see it by my birthday in November. I had no idea this was going to be *as* hard as its been.

I keep plugging away, I really do. I don't cheat. I've had meals that I could have avoided and portions that could have been a little smaller, but overall, I'm pretty dang proud of myself for hanging in there for the past 77 days straight. I've drank more water in the past 77 days than I probably drank in the entire year of 2006.

Mentally this is exhausting. Physically this is exhausting. My moods are all over the place sometimes. I hate that part. Ultimately, when my body is lean, my arms & legs strong, my breasts round, firm & filled with saline, my tummy so taunt you could bounce quarters off it and I've added probably an additional 20 years to my lifespan, it will all be worth it.

Right?!