Post Secret is a website where people mail in their deepest secrets on a postcard. Claim it, own it and set it free. Each Sunday the website is updated with new secrets. Sometimes the mailed in secrets will pop up on the website, sometimes they'll pop up in a post secret book and sometimes they'll just find themselves in the hands of someone else who will hold your secret for you.
I won't say when or where but I submitted a post secret. Lo and behold there on the post secret website it one day did appear. Whoa. Talk about taking reality to a new level. There was my secret for the world to see. I got it off my chest and set it free. Its now for the world to have, its no longer mine. I felt like a lead brick was lifted off my chest when I saw it there. I honestly felt like my life moved forward that day.
I've suffered from anxiety my entire life. After having children I got the distinct pleasure of also throwing a little depression into the mix. Right now is one of my downs and I'm doing my best to push forward, keep it together and fix it. No one should have to live this way. It's just not fair, it's seriously no fun and my biggest desire in life is to have my brain just STOP the roller coaster (an even larger desire than for being skinny again, my breast augmentation and tummy tuck and if you've ever listened to me talk for 5 minutes you know about my desire for those...). I wish my brain would just stop running a mile a minute, stop keeping me awake at night worrying about the stupidest things known to man, stop sending my life into a complete and utter and embarrasing tailspin because I can't find one of my daughters $40 shoes, stop and smell the roses once in awhile and realize that my life does have dozens & dozens of roses in it. I just wish it would stop. It's truly a roller coaster and I beg God daily to please just let me off.
This morning I woke up and was thinking about my post secret and reminded myself that when I saw it online, it was time to let it go. I wish I could do this with whatever the heck is going on in my brain. The crying is getting old, it ruins my mascara daily. The bouts of pure panic are physically & mentally exhausting. The highs are high & the lows are low and wow, does that ever sound cliche'. I do know its not bi-polar disorder because I've exhausted my research online and with several doctors trying to figure out if it was. It's not. I almost wish it was so I could just put a name to my issue and resolve it.
Ok, I've rambled. I'm usually going to chat about my kids here. For the most part I'm a fun-loving gal who loves God, her husband, her kids, her family and her friends (and yup, pretty much in that particular order). Today this was on my brain and it was time to just STOP, own it and set it free. Wish me luck.
** Oh yeah, and today begins my birthMONTH. **
Most people get a birthDAY.
I'm so vain I started celebrating my birthMONTH about 20 years ago.
It stuck.
So Happy BirthMONTH Marissa, you go girl.
Most people get a birthDAY.
I'm so vain I started celebrating my birthMONTH about 20 years ago.
It stuck.
So Happy BirthMONTH Marissa, you go girl.
2 comments:
I'm sorry to read that you're having such a tough time emotionally lately. I can really relate. I have gone through some really dark, dark places lately and it's so hard to know where to put all that...unhappiness and fear. I hope you are feeling better soon. For me, it cycles. Right now I am in a better place, but I know it can hit me again in a flash. I did start taking megadoses of fish oil, maybe that is what is helping? Anyhow, just wanted you to know I can relate-I don't get the highs, just the lows, but boy, can I relate to those. (((((((Hugs))))) GF.
Thanks Lis -- My highs aren't really all that high... probably just close to what 'normal' people feel on a daily basis. It just feels high because its far away from the low, ya know?
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